311. HOW TO MAKE A MAN LOVE YOU

(The Single Woman Series – Batch 5)

If you conduct a random search through the internet for relationship advice, you will find a plethora of advice geared particularly at women, on how to make a man interested in you, how to catch a man, how to attract a man, how to make a man pursue you, how to keep a man, how to make a man propose and ultimately, how to make a man love you.

This is particularly true of YouTube. Every Tom, Dick and Harry so-to-speak, seems to have a formula today on how to make a relationship work and how to go riding off into the sunset with that perfect man you’ve caught, living happily ever after.

There are however, tales and there are fairy tales. Unfortunately, most of these so-called ‘relationship gurus’ have not a clue of what they speak. Most of them are not Christians and therefore, don’t base their advice on the Word of God, which is reliable but on their own feelings, intuition, intelligence and opinions. As a result, much of what they say is falsehood and lacks substance.

Admittedly, when I was much younger, I spent time reading many of these Articles and watching some of the videos, hoping to apply the things that they spoke of, in my own life. However, as I grew in the knowledge and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, I realized how empty, foolish and counterproductive such advice was. For, it was not founded in God’s Word (which is true) and therefore, like many vulnerable woman around the globe, I was being fed lies.

I therefore tuned out entirely from that nonsense and fixed my gaze exclusively upon God’s Word as revealed in his Bible and my whole perspective on life and love relationships changed! I can testify that God’s Word is truly able to take the simple and make them wise, as the pages of the Bible are full of wisdom for every sphere of life.

On the whole though, no one can deny, that when it comes to relationships, loving someone and being loved in return is very high on the agenda of the average woman. I say average because there are some women that claim not to be interested in relationships and that don’t find the idea of love, romance, weddings, marriage and family life to be appealing. Such women are however, few and exceptions to the general rule.

Maybe it is how we were wired by the Creator but the average woman (although not all), dream of finding Mr. Right, being swept off her feet, wooed/courted, falling in love, having a lovely wedding and being in a mutually satisfying and sustainable love relationship with a man that treats her like a queen.

Nothing is wrong in having such a desire, especially if you are a royal daughter of God. I have had such a desire for many years, moreso than I’ve ever desired any other earthly thing or accomplishment and still do.

As women, I believe that God created us (among our other functions), to be nurturers. We therefore have that loving tendency and even if we are high up the Corporate ladder, influential in business and successful in industry, we still crave opportunities to dote over a guy, to have children and to enjoy family life and homemaking. For most women, this is what brings the highest level of earthly satisfaction.

On the downside though, some women want this dream so very badly, that they have taken their desire to the level of obsession. They seemingly operate by the mantra ‘Get a man or die trying’ and therefore, devote countless hours and energy, pursuing love and a relationship, as if nothing else in life mattered.

Such women concoct all kinds of strategies, schemes and deploy all sorts of plans, calculated to get that man or any man and they pursue after this goal relentlessly.

The thing is though, love cannot be pursued. The more you run after it and try to force it to turn your way, the more it eludes your grasp. Nevertheless, given that in contemporary society, the number of women far outweigh the number of available men, some women, panicked at the idea of remaining single, of not ever being found by Mr Right and never having that family life that they have always envisioned, have thrown all their dignity to the wind and gone the way of desperation.

Indeed, although it is not always the case, many of the problems that women face today, be it envy on the part of other women, conflicts, bickering, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, insecurity, anger, resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, malice, fear, anxiety, worry, stress, depression, feelings of purposelessness, dissatisfaction in life and discontentment, stem from some issue to do with a man in their lives or a man that used to be in their lives or who they wish was in their lives. In short, most problems that women encounter, have to do with matters of the heart and within a relationship context.

This is one of the reasons why Proverbs 4:23 warns us to, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”

When it comes to matters of the heart, many women have practically bent over backwards throughout the ages and done everything within their power that they could think of, to attract and keep a particular man or men in general but yet, many of them have still failed miserably, despite their best efforts.

Some have learned the hard way, that no matter what you do, how sweet your personality, how you look or what you have in life, you CANNOT make a man love you. Love refuses to be coerced, manipulated, tricked, pressured or guided in any particular direction. As the saying goes: The heart wants what the heart wants (even if it seems irrational) and if a man does not love you today, there is nothing that you could do under the sun, to make him fall in love with you tomorrow. This does not mean that it is impossible for him to love you tomorrow or that he never will. It just means that you can’t do anything to influence the way he feels. Simply put: It is outside of your control.

This may be difficult to hear but it is the truth. No matter what a woman does, how she presents herself, how she looks, how she speaks or how a man may be physically attracted to her, she cannot make him love her. She can do nothing in her power to capture his heart and she can’t rely on anything that she has physically or monetarily, as providing her with an advantage in this regard.

Celebrities in Hollywood are a prime example of this. In the world of fame, some of the most beautiful women with the best bodies (by society’s standards), have the most failed relationships. For many of them, despite their looks (which many other women envy), their physique or their publicized sexual prowess, the men in their lives still left them, dissatisfied, discontent and seeking what they considered to be greener pastures elsewhere.

What was the reason for this? How is it that a woman could fail to charm a man’s heart into submission by the beauty of her face or the shapeliness of her physique or her popularity or how good she is reputed to be in bed? Why is it that even when a woman is naturally very pretty and does her best to keep herself attractive-looking, that a man may still be discontented, bored, unhappy and therefore either remain in the relationship with resentment, cheat or up and leave?

The answer, as stated before, is simple: If a man loves a woman, he loves her (whether she is deserving of it or not) and if he does not love a woman, he does not love her (whether she is deserving of it or not). He may ‘lust’ a woman but this does not equate to ‘love.’ (SEE ARTICLE 145 on the difference between the two.)

No man ever said to a woman yet, you are deserving of my heart and deserving of my love, so I will give it to you. It does not work that way. Falling in love with someone does not work that way. If he is a good man, he may treat her civilly and kindly (as I’m sure that Jacob did Leah and Elkanah did Peninnah in the Bible), however, not even kind treatment translates into or equates to romantic, heartfelt love.

In the Bible, when one looks at the personality of Rachel and some of the things that she did (like stealing her father’s idols and carrying it with her, then lying to him about it, idolizing having a child to the point of wanting to die if she did not conceive and not dealing with Leah her sister fairly), one may have concluded that she was not worthy of Jacob’s love and that Leah seemed more honourable a woman than her. Whether this was the case or not, the Bible makes it clear that Jacob loved Rachel (his wife) but not Leah, his second wife. The same was true of Elkanah. The Bible states only that he loved Hannah, no such mention being made of his other wife Peninnah.

Interestingly, both Jacob and Elkanah loved Rachel and Hannah respectively, although for quite some time, both women were unable to conceive. Them being barren was considered a shameful thing or a reproach back then and it was sure to be painful but it did not make Elkanah and Jacob love them any less. These men had hearts that were fixed on these women respectively and nothing, not even barrenness, could make them stop loving them.

Ironically, although Leah and Peninnah bore them children and having children back then was a big deal and a great honour, this did not endear these women to them in any way. They still failed to hold their hearts.

WHAT DEUTERONOMY 21 REVEALS

The fact that a woman cannot make a man love her or possess any attribute that is so wonderful and so impressive or achieve some feat that is so great, that it is bound to make him love her is clearly illustrated in the Old Testament book of Deuteronomy Chapter 21.

To put this scripture in context, as the children of Israel drew closer to the time that God would have them possess the land he had promised them, Moses instructed them on different statutes and judgments that they were to obey, as given by the Lord.

In this regard, in verses 10-15, Moses told them:

• “When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the Lord thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive, And seest among the captives A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, and HAST A DESIRE UNTO HER, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt GO IN UNTO HER, and be her husband, and SHE SHALL BE THY WIFE. And it shall be, IF THOU HAVE NO DELIGHT IN HER, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.

• If a man have two WIVES, one BELOVED, and another HATED, and THEY HAVE BORN HIM CHILDREN, both the beloved and the hated; and if the firstborn son be hers that was hated: Then it shall be, when he maketh his sons to inherit that which he hath, that he may not make the son of the beloved firstborn before the son of the hated, which is indeed the firstborn. But he shall acknowledge the son of the hated for the firstborn, by giving him a double portion of all that he hath: for he is the beginning of his strength; the right of the firstborn is his.”

In the above scripture, the woman that a man was in love with and had therefore given his heart wholeheartedly to was called ‘beloved’ and the woman that he was not in love with was called ‘hated’.

Also, it is important to note that, even where a woman (who was among the people from a nation taken captive) was so beautiful that it caught the attention of her captor, appealed to his fleshly desires and made him want to be with her sexually, even if he eventually married her for that purpose so that she gained the title of ‘wife’ and had sex with her, he could still end up losing interest in her and get to the place of having “…NO DELIGHT IN HER”, despite the fact that she was still beautiful to look at.

In other words, allowance was made for situations where a man found a woman who was a captive to be beautiful, was attracted to her and desired to sleep with her, to make her his wife first and then to fulfill his fleshly desires by sleeping with her. Yet, although she was beautiful, he found her attractive, desired to be with her sexually, got married to her, made her his wife and had sex with her, the scripture still made provision for situations where, after all of that and despite all of that, he reached a point where he had no delight in her.

This provides mind-blowing insight by reinforcing a list of truths about love and relationships. Let’s examine them:

FIRSTLY – BEING BEAUTIFUL and having a man ADMIRE YOUR LOOKS will not make him love you.

Some women believe that if they have really good looks, that this is to their advantage and that the man they are interested in will be so mesmerized, that he is sure to fall in love them. However, this is not necessarily the case. You can be drop dead gorgeous and a man still not be in love with you.

Men can appreciate beauty in a woman (and they usually do) without giving their heart to her. Some women spend countless hours fixing their face, their bodies, dieting, exercising, wearing clothes to catch the attention of men and sporting lovely hairstyles, in the belief that all of this effort will make a man love them. However, truth be told, ensuring that you’re looking your best, that your face is perfectly made-up and your hair perfectly coiffed, may attract a man’s attention but it will not in anyway make him love you. This leads to my second point.

SECONDLY – A man BEING PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU and DESIRING TO BE WITH YOU SEXUALLY, does not mean that he loves you and will not make him love you.

Some women think that if a man finds them attractive and wants to be with them physically, that it must mean that he is in love with them. However, as hard as it is to hear, women need to know that men are capable of desiring a purely sexual experience with a woman, without allowing her to make any inroad into their heart. That is, a man can be intensely attracted to a woman physically and desire to be with her sexually, without being in love with her. It is called lust, not love.

THIRDLY – A man HAVING SEX WITH YOU does not mean that he loves you and will not make him love you.

Many women have learned this the hard way. For, they erroneously believed that if they slept with a man, it would somehow create or strengthen their connection and make his heart strings grow fonder for them. However, many of them have had a rude awakening. After giving men their bodies in the hope of love and commitment, they still did not secure his heart and in many cases, he grew bored, no longer viewed them as a challenge, exited the scene and left them to pick up the broken pieces of their lives;

FOURTHLY – A man AGREEING TO MARRY YOU and even following through with it by MARRYING YOU, does not mean that he loves you.

The scripture above makes it clear that it is possible to have the coveted title of ‘wife’ and still be hated (meaning not loved). It is possible to be a ‘wife’ and your husband still refuse to give you his heart in marriage and to have no delight in you.

Men are strange creatures and they marry for all sorts of reasons, including even to get back at another woman that has broken their heart. I have heard of at least two stories, where a man, about to walk down the aisle, contacted an ex and told her that it could have been her or that it should have been her at the aisle on that day. This to me is clear evidence that those men did not love the women they were about to marry.

I have even had the misfortune of receiving such a phone call from a man that I was never interested in and who I had never entertained romantically. His first wife had died from a terminal illness and he was desirous of remarrying again. Us never being close, I was surprised when he contacted me one day, informing me that he was getting married. I was happy that he had found someone and so congratulated him, only to hear him shockingly say that, had I been interested, he could have been marrying me instead.

I found his words to be shockingly disturbing and felt sorry for the lady he was about to get married to, as to my mind, this was a very dishonourable move to make, while engaged and on the verge of getting married. It however confirmed to my mind, that men do strange things and sometimes, they marry for reasons other than love. I know that he wasn’t in love with me as he had never been given the opportunity to get to really know me or pursue me but his words revealed chillingly, that he wasn’t in love with the woman he was about to marry either.

Among the long list of reasons (other than love) why a man may marry a woman are for example because all his friends are doing it and he is being increasingly pressured to follow suit or because he wants to start a family and is mindful that he is getting down in age or because he can see how a woman can serve as a trophy wife to show off her beauty to others or he sees some other way by which he can benefit, financially, in terms of popularity or otherwise from being aligned to a particular woman.

Yes some men marry because they genuinely love a woman (thankfully) but it is a fact that many marry for other selfish reasons that have nothing to do with love. Having a ring on your finger therefore and him taking you down the aisle is no great feat. You cannot assume by these actions, that he loves you. Sometimes he doesn’t and deep down, most women know when the man they are engaged to or have even married, are not in love with them.

FIFTHLY -You BEARING A MAN’S CHILD will not endear you to him or make him love you.

I know of many situations where, after a woman gave birth to a man’s child, he left her, sometimes because the pregnancy distorted some of her features, caused her to gain weight and other issues which became more pronounced throughout the pregnancy. In those situations, instead of childbirth endearing the man to the woman who had birthed his child, it resulted in him becoming more estranged from her.

Leah in the Bible mistakenly thought that her having Jacob’s children, would make him love her. Sadly, after giving birth on different occasions, she made statements that revealed that she thought she could buy her husband’s love (which she longed for), through the fact that she had borne him sons.

In Genesis 29:32, when she gave birth to her first child, it reads:

“And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the Lord hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.”

It was clear though that this did not endear Jacob to her, as, after giving birth to her second son, the Bible states, “And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, “Because the Lord hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon.“

When she gave birth to her third son (and Rachel still had not borne any), Leah was convinced that this time, she would surely get that emotionally intimate connection that she longed for with her husband Jacob. Verse 34 states, “And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi.”

However, Jacob’s heart remained loyal to Rachel. It was so full of devotion to her that he had none left in it to give to Leah, nor did he desire to do so.

Peninnah knew better than to think that bearing her husband Elkanah children, would make him love her. This was most likely the reason that she harassed and provoked Hannah, when she was barren. Imagine, she (Peninnah), had borne Elkanah children and yet, his heart was still with Hannah! This of course was bound to lead to jealousy on the part of Peninnah and so she took vengeance on Hannah by ridiculing her barren state.

ADDITIONAL NOTE – BEING A DOORMAT or a MAN PLEASER will not make him love you.

In addition to the five (5) points raised above, some women think that if they are kind and sweet and attend to a man’s every need, that he will reward such devotion by giving them his heart. However, in many such cases, the man still does not love them. If anything, the man exploits their kindness and loses respect for them because they don’t seem to have any for themselves, allow him to do whatever he pleases and to even get away with bad behaviour and flimsy excuses. Since it is impossible for a man to love you if he does not even respect you, they do all that they do and give all that they can to that man but he does not return their love.

Even if by nature, you are the sweetest, most caring person there is therefore and shower a man with endless kindness, this does not guarantee that he will love you. Even in such a situation, he can lose interest in you and move on to something or someone he considers to be more of a challenge.

Men hate boredom and if you make everything easy for him and run to him at his slightest call and do do everything for him and pamper him rotten, he may like being treated like a king in his pride but he will soon grow bored of you and long for something different. Men are hunters by nature and love to pursue whatever they consider worthy of pursuing. If you deprive him of the opportunity of working to get your attention and working to prove himself to you, by being too nice to him, to the point of being a doormat, he will resent this, even if he keeps this resentment bottled up inside and all your kind and selfless deeds will not make him love you.

The lesson is clear: You cannot manipulate a man into loving you, coercing him into loving you or do anything to make him love you. Even when you are deserving of such love (or consider yourself to be), this does not guarantee that he will reward you with the love you seek. Even if you are highly valuable and have much worth, this does not mean that he will see it and even if he does, it does not mean that he will fall in love with you.

As said before, the heart wants what the heart wants and sometimes, no matter who you are, what you do or how well meaning you may be, even if you love a man to bits and would do almost anything for him, sometimes, that man still does not requite it.

GIVEN THAT AS WOMEN, WE CANNOT MAKE A MAN LOVE US, WHAT ARE WE TO DO?

Well FIRSTLY, given that as women, most of us want a loving relationship with a man and to build a family in a loving environment and given that we cannot cajole love or paint a man’s heart how we want it, this is something that we must surrender to the Lord.

We must not pursue after men. For, if we are daughters of the King, when it comes to love relationships, our strength is to sit still. We can take our petition for a love relationship and marriage to the Lord but let him have HIS way to work things out as he sees fit, in his own time and in accordance with his own will.

Given that we can’t make a man love us, we can certainly pray to God that in his mercy, he would send into our lives a man after his own heart, worthy of our hand in marriage, who he will give a heart to love us and fervently. For, while we cannot influence a man’s heart, God is able to do so and while we should not ask him to make a particular someone love us, we can ask him to send us someone that is right for us and to prepare his heart in such a way, that he will see our value and love us.

God wants his sons to love his daughters. His Word states:

• “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”

Given that God wants his daughters in marriages where they are loved and that he is able to provide men for them that will love them and fervently, if his desire is for us to marry and in submission to his will and timing, we ask him to provide for us, he will grant us this request and I have no doubt that he has done it for countless others.

Instead of chasing love therefore or trying shamelessly to capture the heart of a man (who, truth be told, may not even be deserving), in trust, we must leave it all in the hands of our Lord, knowing that he is the best matchmaker and that he writes the best love stories.

In the Bible, he wrote one for Rebekah, when Abraham’s servant sought his perfect will as to a wife for Isaac. After the Lord orchestrated things and put them together, the scripture states “And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her…” (Genesis 24:67)

Yes, genuine love is usually the outcome of whatever God builds, so we must allow him to build a love story for us with the man of HIS choice, if marriage is his will for us. What he did for Rebekah, he can do for any of his daughters. For, his power has not waned.

SECONDLY, while praying and hoping in the Lord for him to send the right one into our lives and someone who will love us, we must use our time as singles to draw closer to the Him and to learn more and more about Him, by reading and meditating upon the truths contained in his Word. We must also use our time to go out and do his work, reaching lost souls with the message of salvation and utilizing our gifts (if we are Christians), to edify our fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord.

The Word of God gives every assurance that, when we seek God’s business first, he takes care of us. Matthew 6:33 states, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”

THIRDLY and finally, we must be ever mindful of and meditate upon the superiority and excellence of God’s love for us. It is a love which no earthly love from any man could ever compare. Of a truth, no man will ever love us to the extent that God loves us, in all of our lifetime.

Even if we gain weight and start to grey or lose our looks or suffer some mishap in life, God’s love for us remains potent. If we are his children, he is ever at our side. His love is a committed love. He never gets tired of us, loses interest in us and never leaves or forsakes those who are his.

God’s love for his children is so great and unconditional, that he has let us know that nothing can separate us from it. In Romans 8:35-39 for example, it declares:

• “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Unlike some men that lose interest in a woman as she ages, God told his children in the Old Testament (and the principle applies as well today, to his Church), “…even to your old age I am he; and even to hoar hairs will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you.” (Isaiah 46:4)

The scriptures tell us that God loved us before we even loved him (1 John 4:19) and undeservedly so. He loved us so much as human beings, that he sent his only begotten Son (Jesus) into the world, to die as a substitute (in our place) for our sins. John 3:16 states, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

In doing so, all that believe in their heart that God rose Jesus back up from the dead on the third day (as the Bible testifies) and confess with their mouth that he is Lord, get their sins forgiven upon repentance and are granted access to an eternal inheritance in the presence of the Lord, whereby they are passed from awful condemnation to glorious life.

The Word of God states of God’s free gift to us, motivated by his love:

• ^“For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him. For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:10-13)

In John 5:24, Jesus, the Son of God himself, provided the assurance that, “Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.”

(Written on 16th and 17th March, 2022)

Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be interesting, informative, edifying or beneficial, you may also be interested in reading the following:

• Note 20 – ‘Equation For Relationship Success’
• Note 38 – ‘Praying – How To Get A Yes From God’
• Note 83 – ‘How To Experience The Extraordinary Life’
• Note 94 – ‘How To Be Blessed’
• Note 96 – ‘Are You A Christian? Here’s How To Experience The ‘Good’ Life’
• Note 137 – ‘Who To Marry?’
• Note 266 – ‘What Is Romantic Love?’
• Note 303 – ‘What Is Love, Really?’

Additionally, under the ‘BIBLE-BELIEVING Daughters’ Page:

• Note 189 – ‘How To Have Good Success’
• Note 215 – ‘Relationship Advice Without The Word Of God?’

Also, under the ‘VIRTUOUS Daughters’ Page:

• Note 7 – ‘Did I Hear Right? The Lies Of A So-Called Relationship Consultant’

Under ‘COURTING OR ENGAGED Daughters’ Page:

• Note 5 – ‘How To Tell If He’s Your God-Sent And Not Just God-ly’
• Note 15 – ‘Does He Love You Fervently?’
• Note 16 – ‘Dear Christian, Does God Approve Of Your Relationship?’
• Note 20 – ‘Is Your Relationship Foundation Strong?’
• Note 33 – ‘How Much Should He Love Me?’
• Note 36 – ‘The Formula – How To Get A Husband’
• Note 51 – ‘Ladies, How Long Are You Prepared To Wait?’
• Note 62 – ‘I Being In The Way The Lord Led Me – A Match Made In Heaven’
• Note 231 – ‘Does He ‘Love’ You Or ‘Lust’ You?