(The Single Woman Series)

A short while ago, I read an Article that brought to my mind two very painful incidents that had transpired in my life.

The first was when I was in my early twenties and knew nothing about men and decided to disobey God by getting involved, to some extent with a guy that was not a Christian. He had told me that he and his girlfriend had parted ways, so I was of the view that he was single and available. Thinking I was in love, I foolishly convinced myself that I could bring him to God, he would get saved and we would live happily ever after.

I remember one day back then, when I found that he was suddenly behaving coldly toward me. We had been close friends at the time and it was easy for me to tell that something had changed by the way he was interacting with me.

When I questioned him, he finally admitted that he had reconciled with his girlfriend without even so much as a word to me and when I asked why he had not told me sooner, he informed me that he was keeping me as a “backup plan” in the event that things did not work out with his girlfriend. He also had the audacity to tell me that she had always been in the picture.

Looking back, I must say, I deserved every bit of the heartache I went through then, for my foolishness and disobedience.

Then, some years ago, I was once again duped when I suddenly found out that the man I thought may have been God’s will for my life and was praying for God’s perfect will for close to two years about, was engaged! And I heard it from his aunt no less!

I remember walking the streets after the news hit me like a cruel rock, as I tried to find my way home. I fought to keep the tears of shock and humiliation back but, as I poured out the shocking news to my mother over my cellphone, I could not. Maybe people passing in their vehicles noticed my tears but as self-conscious as I could sometimes be, I don’t think that I cared at the moment.

In looking back, it is still my opinion (but I could be wrong) that that gentleman gave me signals and demonstrated interest in me during that two year period, where we met almost every week, to collaborate on a Church assignment together. I will admit though, in his defence, that he never did verbally express definite interest in me. But men know just how much to reach out to keep women they KNOW are interested in them and who they may be a bit interested in, on the hook.

Imagine my shame!

I was left wondering what the text I had once received from him with the message that sort-of suggested interest had meant and why he had bought me my favorite snack after overhearing me tell someone that I loved it and why he had blushed uncontrollably almost every time he looked at me and got me blushing too and all the other mixed signals I had received…and all of the other nonsense.

But it is all good now. I am over those situations and those men, thank God and wish them nothing but the best in all of their future endeavours.

However, these situations bring to the fore, what I call ‘The Plan A versus Plan B Issue‘ and it needs to be addressed.

If there is a man in your life or one that you are interested in, my question to you is this: Does that man consider you to be his Plan A? Are you sure?

There are a group of men, the kind that society calls ‘the lowlifes’, who use woman after woman after woman, without even seeing the need to give them any title of commitment whatsoever. Such men don’t waste time with titles, as they do not even consider these women to be human beings with real feelings and emotions. They never get past their bodies and they use these women simply as a means to an end: their sexual gratification.

As bad as this sounds, women line up to be used by them!

Then there are the group of men (arguably the majority) that have a woman that they place as their first choice to pursue, while having another lined up as their Plan B or backup plan. While they may not be as bad as the first group of ‘lowlifes’, this tendency is quite dishonourable and disrespectful to both women and it sends the message that such a man is all about himself.

He is selfish because he keeps two women hooked to his one self, although he knows that that is a recipe for trouble. He ensures that when the dust settles, either way, he would end up with someone and he gives no thought to the feelings and emotions of the two women involved or the roller coaster ride he has had them sign up on.

Sadly, this second group represents a large group of men today.

I have grown so much in confidence over the years (thank God!) that I am not prepared to entertain any man that has a back up plan, even if he considers me to be his Plan A.

I should not just be his Plan A but his ONLY plan, unless we mutually decide to call it quits. And I don’t just mean when we start a relationship. I mean even before then, where he’s testing the waters and conducting his inquiries and observing me and where we have not defined ourselves as being in a relationship as yet but he is subtly wooing me with the possibility of interest.

If a man can’t faithfully pursue me honourably in those stages, then would he do so if we got married?

Some men go so low as to marry a woman that they have kept at Plan B level. Then, they act up in the marriage with resentment because deep down they are upset that they did not get their idea of a Plan A woman, either because they never did meet her or they met her and she escaped them.

A woman can know when she is a Plan B, if the man she is dating/seeing is:

  • playing games;
  • showing interest but then leaving her confused as to the status of their relationship;
  • making her feel insecure and worried that he may not want the relationship or to take her down the altar;
  • exhibiting sneaky behaviour;
  • sharing too much time with another attractive female who he labels as just a friend;
  • jumping into a relationship with her soon after he has gone through a painful breakup; or
  • by his refusing to commit.

Deep down in her gut, a woman knows it when she is Plan B because even if he treats her basically well, she still feels that he is holding back on the relationship in some way and that she is yet to experience the best he can offer. Unfortunately, this is usually because he has reserved the best of himself for his Plan A woman, even if she is a figment of his imagination and he never got to spend the rest of his life with her.

Sometimes men have the audacity of giving a woman the Plan B title, while they discreetly search for someone they consider worthy of a Plan A designation. They figure, that when they find their Plan A woman, they will gracefully find a way to dump Plan B or if they never find someone better than their Plan B, that then and only then, they MAY promote the Plan B woman to A status or just settle for that Plan B woman, without ever upgrading her in their minds to top status.

What tomfoolery!

I think it is a serious indictment on a man’s integrity when he lines up two (sometimes even more) women, to vie for one position or keeps holding on to a woman that he has designated as a Plan B woman, while eyeing or hoping to find, a Plan A woman.

I know I may sound quite impassioned about this issue and I am. I myself have gone through the Plan B designation and I can tell you from experience, that it is VERY painful for a woman.

Admittedly, we women put ourselves in that position when we don’t know our worth. No woman who knows her worth will allow a man to place her on a Plan B level or allow a man to have a Plan B around at all with her in the picture. A woman who knows her worth, wants a man that knows it too and once he knows it, he will not mess around or risk destroying what he has with such a woman.

Age does really bring reason and I am so much wiser and spiritually mature now than I used to be. Being Plan B in somebody’s plan is downright disrespectful. Furthermore, being Plan A is also unacceptable.

I am determined to wait on THE guy that is mature and smart enough to court me, not as a Plan A but as his ONLY Plan. I’ve no longer any patience with men who don’t know what they want are self-centred, love attention or just enjoy playing mind games.

If you are someone’s Plan B or (God forbid) a Plan A with a Plan B in existence and you know of her, then sad to say, you are at fault because you have tolerated this nonsense with the man you are seeing. Believe me, men will only try to get away with the things they believe they can.

On the other hand, if you know you’re a Plan B, please stop trying to get him to promote you to Plan A or operating under the deception that you are his Plan A. The level that he has placed you in his mind, has nothing to do with your worth. You are valuable. You are not just a good match for him.

Sometimes we are duped but a woman usually knows it in her gut, if she is a Plan B, Plan A or his ONLY plan! As hard as he may try, how he views you and the value he places on you is reflected in his actions and in the relationship, whatever sort it may be.

I for one do not intend to be chasing any man ever again. I was born to be pursued and honourably because I am a ROYAL DAUGHTER OF THE KING.

When I consider my value and all that I have to offer a man, it is my view that it ought to bring him to his knees in humility before God, thanking him for what he has provided. When a man feels that way, there is no way he would line up a backup plan because there will be no place in his heart to accommodate any other woman but me.

Women, we are the ones that teach men how to treat us. If the man you’re dating/courting doesn’t have you as his ONLY plan, don’t settle. Drop him like a bag of hot potatoes because he is selfish, childishly immature, lacks integrity, has not a clue how to honourably pursue a woman and is downright disrespectful. Wait for a real man who will appreciate you, to come along. This may take some time but if God brings him, then the wait would have been definitely worth it.

Don’t try to negotiate with that confused man or to convince him that you are worthy either. If he is too blind to see it, then he does not deserve anymore of your time.

In summary, there are two rules you should remember:

RULE NO. 1: NEVER be anyone’s No. 2. You should be second to none!

RULE NO. 2: Never be anyone’s No. anything. You should be his ONE AND ONLY. Make sure that for the man you give your time and years to, that you have his UNDIVIDED attention. He will always meet women on a daily basis that he finds attractive but he should be so captivated by you, so blown away by your character, all that defines you and what you represent, that he has absolutely no time, energy, interest in or inclination, to pursue any other woman on the face of this planet but you.

This does not require effort on your part to prove anything to him. All you need to do is be your self, focus on your God and live your life while continuously working on improving your flaws/weaknesses, for your own self.

If you are a Christian, provided that God has planned for you to have a husband, the right man will come along in the right time and he will treat you like the precious daughter of God that you are.

In the Bible, that is exactly what happened with Ruth when Boaz came along and it is also possible for you. Don’t sell yourself lower than the price tag God intended.

(Written on 27th August, 2016)

Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be interesting, informative, beneficial or edifying, you may also be interested in reading the following:

Note 148 – ‘What Does The Bible Say About Being Unequally Yoked With An Unbeliever?’

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