(The Single Woman Series – Batch 5)
Men are supposed to be caring, loving, selfless and protective of women, women being the weaker vessel and them being entrusted as custodians with the role of leadership. Sad to say though, it increasingly appears to be the case today, that men, for the most part are abusive, exploitative, selfish, self-centred and in some cases, even oppressive. In short, they have reneged on their role as men and are today, the opposite of what they are called to be.
Of course, this does not apply to all. I am convinced that there are men out there that are not consumed with self, that do not put themselves first and do not see all of life as revolving around them.
However, in this day and age, such men are few and in between. They are becoming more and more rare to find, an oddity even.
Personally, this is disillusioning to me. I am repulsed by selfishness and by the rogue role that so many men have chosen to adopt today.
They are supposed to make women feel special, to give them honour, to treat them as the precious women that they are but instead, men are the number one reason today why so many women walk around with feelings of inadequacy, low self-worth and insecurity. Men are supposed to contribute to their feelings of security, safety and stability but instead, they treat women so despicably, that they walk around broken, hurt and feel anything but safe and secure.
This is indeed a sad state of affairs. I am tired of hearing about unfaithful or otherwise abusive husbands, of absentee fathers and of men who selfishly impregnate women that they dont marry and in so doing, mess up their lives. As a result of their actions, many children today are being raised without having that family setting the way God intended and it is bound to affect them and society in general, later on in life.
I am tired of hearing about the women and children that men, while serving themselves and focused on their own selfish pursuits, abused, neglected or made to feel unloved and worthless.
Although they are supposed to treat women with dignity, honour and with delicate gloves because they are of more fragile makeup, some are instead abrasive, harsh, oppressive and treat her like scum.
This breaks my heart because while I find the man that accepts his role as a man and that has the admirable virtues of a godly man as espoused in the scriptures, to be attractive, as a single woman, I am repulsed, disgusted even, by the role that men have chosen to occupy in society today, for the most part.
Where they are supposed to be a blessing, many of them behave more like a curse, walking around as pests and a cross that women and children have to bear.
In my country for example, there is a high incidence of violent crimes, committed mostly by men, many within a domestic setting. Instead of contributing to feelings of safety and security, they are also the ones going out and wreaking havoc on society, invading households, businesses and even people on the streets with weapons, forcing them to do as they wish, to separate from their hard earned money or some other kind of horror.
Where men are supposed to be the main providers in the home (because this is their God-given role), many today would rather spend their time socialising doing nothing on the block with other guys, wasting time, drinking, partying and talking rubbish. Many look for a woman to take care of them or who is financially secure and in a well-paying job and lazily depend on her to bring in the bacon so-to-speak. Also, for those men that do work, many of them expect the woman today to help them in this arena, by also holding down gainful employment. They want help with paying the bills and life’s general upkeep (which is understandable) but on the other end of the spectrum, many of them have no intention of helping the woman in the home with any of her main responsibilities, like the household chores. She must therefore be super woman, balancing all of the demands of children rearing, house cleaning, food cooking, clothes washing, ironing and folding, making time to spend with him and to give to him, all the while, holding a full-time job.
Then there are those men that are having an identity crisis. They have not a clue who they are or what their purpose is to be and so, they feed into the devil’s lies. They dress as worthlessly as they feel and not as the dignified human beings they are, having been made in the image and likeness of God. For example, they take pride in wearing their pants pulled down as low as possible below the waist, thinking that this makes them look good. Due to the fallen nature of mankind, some also behave like women and want to be like women. Although they have clearly been given a distinct role from that of women, instead of rejoicing in this, they try to be what they are not. They wear their hair as long as women, style it as women would, want to wear clothes that women wear, to talk and behave like women, have their faces made-up as women and also adorn their ears with jewellery like women. Some do one or more of these actions because they are effeminate (that which the Bible condemns), while others do it because they find it to be hip, fashionable and even a symbol of being a tough and “bad” boy.
Then there are those men that have a condescending view of women, thinking that somehow, they are better, more intelligent and superior to women. They misread the Word of God to benefit themselves, mistaking their role as leader of the home and in the Church, as making them more important than women and giving them the right to exploit or put them down, to suppress or treat them however they feel. Yet, while the scriptures definitely teach that God has an order in the home and in his Church and men are to be at the helm of leadership (not women), he does not instruct that women are to be treated as lesser in importance, intelligence or value or as if they have nothing or little to offer. Both are equal, though different in function.
Some men today though, walk around thinking that they are God’s gift to women, not because they have anything of substance to offer really but simply because they exist. Such men are vacuous and fundamentally lacking in substance but they see themselves as a king that the woman must tirelessly put out effort to run after and to wait on and to please. Many of these men see their worth as existing solely in their physical assets or their ability to have sexual relations and to make women mothers or the car they drive or the house they own or the kind of job they have and how much money they make.
As a single woman, all this disgusts me. When I consider the landscape and what the average man today has to offer, I sometimes wonder if I will have to stay single all my life. I hope not and I am still trusting God to provide but I am disgusted with what I see of men’s behaviour and mindset today, for the most part.
I want a gem, which sad to say, is rare today. I have rejected the stones which are in abundance, as I don’t want what most men are dishing out today, which is a generous dose or serving of pain and stress. I am turned off by a selfish, conceited, slothful or pride-filled man and sad to say, most men today are locked in a world of self and self-elevation and serving self and putting self first and seeking self’s wishes, at the expense of everybody else. This selfishness makes them inconsiderate, uncaring, seeing nobody in their world but themselves.
I would much rather remain single than to end up with such a man, as I cannot deal with it. I must therefore pray to God that he keep me from men who, even if they are prepared to pretend during a courtship are intrinsically selfish.
For me, it would be a nightmare to marry such a man and so, I must choose carefully. To do so, I must put all my trust in Jesus Christ, the one who demonstrated perfect selflessness by coming to earth to die sacrificially for the sins of the whole world and who now calls upon men to love even as he loved, being prepared to give up their own lives for that of their wives.
I have resolved that to choose right, I must therefore wait on God. I must not lean at all on my own understanding (some men are really good actors) but instead, I must acknowledge God in all my ways and allow him to direct my path.
He is the all-wise God and he knows how fragile I am. I therefore entrust my all to him because unlike most men, he is a God that I can trust and am trusting him to choose for me.
I want God to choose and then to impress upon my heart, to choose the man that he has chosen. I want this because I know that whatever God chooses is a quality choice. Whatever man he picks for me and appoints to me, should he grace me with such a gift, would be a man that, while imperfect, would have for the most part, those manly qualities I so greatly admire and read much of in the Bible.
These are qualities like what the Old Testament and New Testament Josephs possessed. They are qualities like those which were obvious to see in men like Boaz, David, Joshua and so many more.
While these were all men that were flawed by sin and therefore, made mistakes in life and were not at all times perfect, they understood what it meant to be a man and embraced (not ran away from) their call. They understood what it meant to lovingly lead, to care for and to protect and at the core of their operations was a keen sense of their accountability before God.
I have long resolved, that it is this kind of man for me or nothing. I refuse to accept what men today, for the most part, have redefined their role to be. I want a man I can be proud to call my husband, not a menace. I want a man that would put me before himself, that is prepared to lose his life for me as his wife, if it came down to that and that takes his role as my leader, protector and lover, seriously.
I want a man that will treat with me gently, that helps build up my sense of worth by the dignified way he addresses me and who let’s me know in his actions, that he respects me as a woman, a human being, a Christian and his wife.
Such men do exist today I know, although they are so few. On my own, in my own strength, I could never hope to cross paths with such a one, much less to secure his interest and inspire him to pursue me.
Yet with God, I know that all things are possible and that is why I continue to hope. Against all odds, that is why I continue to pray and to dream of a life which, while most women have not experienced it with the men they aligned themselves with, is not a fantasy. It definitely exists.
(Written on 24th November, 2022)
On the 22nd November, 2013, a very significant day for a reason I will not disclose, in pain from dashed hopes but yet with determination, I wrote:
NOTICE: I am by no means looking for perfection but please be informed that I want no Hamans, no Ahabs, no Esaus, No Cains, No Judas’, no Samsons, no Solomons (he was wise but loved too many women and eventually allowed ungodly women to turn his heart away from God), no old testament Sauls, no Ananias’, no Korahs, no Pharoahs and definitely no Gehazis. The list of the disqualified is by no means exhaustive but you get the picture. I am quite content to wait on my Boaz. Thank You.
Close to ten (10) years later and still single, what I wrote made me chuckle a bit but I maintain the standard! Yes I’m still single which is not always fun. There are days of loneliness and tears and people’s ridicule and second-guessing yourself as to why you haven’t been found yet and if you will ever get married and ever get to experience being somebody’s wife.
Yet, for me, there is nothing worse than compromising my standards and beliefs and ending up with an ungodly man (which would be sinful) or a man who is not God’s will for my life and who therefore, even if he is a Christian, embraces and is content with mediocre Christianity or who is just average or who undermines my call and purpose.
I need to be blown away by my spouse. I need to look up to him and admire him and respect him, although he will not be perfect and to be able to sit and learn from him, not just from what he says but how I observe he lives.
When it comes to choosing a husband, I am inspired by the Word of God, the Bible. Among other traits, I’m looking for a man who loves me unconditionally and fervently as Jacob loved Rachel, who is honourable and respectful towards me, as Boaz was to Ruth, who is merciful and protective of me as Joseph was to Mary and who is serious about himself and his household serving God and upholding the truth of his Word, as Joshua was when it came to himself and his family.
There are many men around in the world today, of all different heights, ages, looks, complexions, personalities, backgrounds and so on. Yet, when it comes to a suitable suitor, someone that I can give unreserved access to my heart and life, the list of men that are eligible, dwindles significantly. The fact of the matter is that there aren’t many eligible bachelors. There aren’t many people who qualify for my hand in marriage.
(Addendum written on 3rd and 4th May, 2023, added to thereafter)
Contrary to popular belief, I’m not picky and I’m not looking for perfection. I am just not fazed or in any way impressed by a guy with lots of money, flashiness, good looks, popularity, prestige, political clout or one that is high up on the professional, career or business ladder and therefore considered by the world as a ‘success’. I could care less if he is considered established because he has a house and car. None of these things, which the average woman would run after, really move me.
What moves me is strength and nobleness of character. Traits like humility, integrity, the fear of God, selflessness, consideration for others and kindness are the things that make my heart melt. Traits like love for God above all else, passion for the things that are spiritual, strength of conviction, courage and the willingness to suffer or to give up anything and everything for Christ, including a lucrative job, if need be (because that is what the Lord wants and to do otherwise would mean to compromise, to be disobedient and to choose a life of comfort instead), are the things that make me sit up and take note. I cannot align myself with a spineless man but one that inspires my respect by demonstrating in his character, spiritual sincerity, spiritual fortitude, spiritual maturity and spiritual substance in Christ Jesus.
I am attracted to strength of character and the basic virtues that should mark a man, as found in the Bible, which, today, sadly do not exist in most men, not even in many who attend Church are in the membership and profess that they are Christians.
I am not picky at all. It is just that in these times, a decent man, a decent, godly man, which is a gem is hard to find. Thankfully, although meeting such a man and securing his interest is uncommon, so that it makes no sense for me to even try to search for him because in my strength, I will reap nothing or at least nothing that is good or worthwhile,“with God nothing shall be impossible” (Luke 1:37). If it is his will therefore for me to be married to such a man, He the Lord will make it happen, in His time.
(Further Addendum written on 20th August, 2023)