270. DID YOU IMAGINE THE ABUSE?
(The Single Woman Series – Batch 4)
Have you ever had recurring situations in relation to someone with whom you have close and ongoing contact, like a boyfriend, sibling, parent, work colleague or friend, where that person:
- Presents himself or herself one way to you and completely opposite to the general public;
- Completely dismisses and resists any attempt you make to resolve the issue of his or her behaviour and instead, distorts the facts in terms of what transpired and insists that you are the abusive one or the one in the wrong;
- Manipulates the situation where he or she has caused the offence, so that others will see him or her as the nice person and you as the offender;
- Successfully puts you in the dog house in the minds of others through slander, making you out to be a horrible person and himself or herself the victim;
- Makes you wonder if you are going crazy because the person’s narrative is so different from yours and makes you begin to wonder if somehow, things did not occur as they appeared and that maybe you keep getting the facts wrong?
If you have been through this or are still going through it, I sympathize with you. If you are still going through it because you are still in contact with the person, at this point, you must be feeling quite frustrated, stressed, upset and disturbed.
Now, I am not going to try to diagnose what exactly has been going on in your situation. However, below is a list of some points I found online today from different Articles, which may be applicable to your circumstance. I want you to read them and then I will ask a question when you’re done.
EXCERPTS FROM ONLINE ARTICLES
- “It can be difficult to maintain your relationships with people who have narcissism. They will often disappoint you by prioritizing their own needs over yours and will not apologize for doing so. You may feel like you are struggling to gain their attention, walking on eggshells in order to avoid offending them or constantly working to avoid being blamed for the negative experiences in their lives.”
- “Narcissists simply want to know that they are in the right. For that, they need other people’s false validation to regulate their shaky self-esteem. They need to find people who would agree with them. And in order for others to agree with them, these other people either need to be terribly unhealthy and unable to recognize their toxic tendencies, or the narcissist needs to lie and present a different story than what is actually true. Here, they tend to flip the roles where they are good, noble, caring, virtuous and the other person is evil, cruel, selfish, and immoral.”
- “Narcissists can’t deal with reality because it contradicts what they want to be true, and this creates painful emotions. As a coping mechanism, they learn to delude themselves that what is real is actually not real, and however they see the situation, is real, even though it isn’t. Sometimes they truly see it that way. Other times it’s just a story they tell themselves and others. And often the longer you tell a story, the more you believe it, even if initially you know it’s not true. And so eventually they may start truly believing it. Either way, the first step is to create a version of events that is an alternative to what actually happened or what’s going on.”
- “The most common way narcissists create alternative narratives is by projecting…narcissists love to project. If they say that the other person is jealous of them, then you know that the narcissist is jealous. If they say that the other person was cruel to them, then you know that the narcissist was cruel to the other person. If they say that the other person was lying and cheating, then you know they were the one lying and cheating. Yes, sometimes it’s not as simple and there could be unhealthy behavior on both sides, but more often than not whatever the narcissist is presenting the other person as, is a much more accurate description of the narcissist. Whatever the case may be, the mechanism here is that in the narcissist’s mind they try to attribute their own unhealthy behavior, perspective, and character traits to the other person because it shifts attention and responsibility from them. And if the other person “is” all these bad things then it can’t be that I am these things—thinks the narcissist—I’m the good guy here.”
- “Narcissists also like to truncate (re-frame) the story and present only the bit where the aggrieved party reacted to their toxic behavior, framing it as if that’s where the story started. For example, if a narcissist dislikes you and tries to bully you but you stand up for yourself, they will frame it as if they are the ones being a victim of bullying. In their narrative, they were just doing their thing or joking around and you started being mean to them. Meanwhile, they simply left out what happened beforehand when they bullied you, so actually you “being mean” to them is a normal response to toxic behaviour. Here, by leaving out or downplaying their aggression, they simply frame you engaging in self-defense, as vile aggression against them. And then they think: “How dare you react or challenge me! You’re so sensitive and unfair! That’s why you deserve everything that’s coming!”
- “There are several ways how the narcissist employs their lies and projections, and the goal is always to turn others against you in hope that they won’t try to figure out the truth. One of the ways to do that is triangulation. In psychology, it means controlling and manipulating communication between two parties. It is related to gossiping, smearing, and slandering, where the narcissist spreads false information around. A more extreme version of all of that is character assassination, where the lies are much more severe and damaging.”
- “If you actually examine the narcissist’s narrative, you quickly notice that they are full of crap. For instance if you examine a narcissistic parent who tells others how you hurt them and say mean things, you quickly notice that they are the one who constantly demeans, disrespects, and manipulates the adult-child. And when the child becomes more assertive…they see it as aggression…If you examine further, you notice that not only the narcissistic parent was initially disrespecting the adult-child’s boundaries, but is also retaliating further now, by manipulating others into siding with them. The same is the case in professional environments or personal relationships. The narcissistic party does something toxic, the aggrieved party reacts and stops the perpetrator or distances from them, and then the narcissist retaliates by trying to shape the social opinion into a narrative where they are the good, righteous party. Sometimes they even convince others to bully and intimidate the target further. These methods often rely on the target not having a support system or being isolated. This increases the narcissist’s chances of others siding with them and not with the victim.”
- “Narcissists can’t accept that they may not be wonderful people. They are also incredibly fragile when facing an idea that perhaps they did something wrong, especially if others can see it. Therefore, if there’s a conflict they will do anything and everything to maintain a fantasy that they are always good, all while perceiving the other party as evil. Not only that, they need other people’s validation that their delusion is true. To achieve that, they create preposterous, slanderous, manipulative narratives, where all of that is true and try to convince others of it. And since many people are unwilling and unable to look into the truth behind it, the narcissist can find that validation they so desperately crave and even act out their revenge fantasies. Often the reason is as simple as hating to see others doing well because they themselves are miserable. As a result, sometimes people get seriously hurt: socially, financially, emotionally, or even physically. But the narcissist doesn’t care about that. In fact they are often glad, because in their narrative the target deserves it by being “evil,” so whatever happens is justified.”
- “Most of the time, their denial is (almost) bullet proof and successfully shields them from their awful truth. It is (almost) inconceivable to them that they could be flawed. This is evidenced in all the blaming you cop for their actions & behaviours, the projection, the denying irrefutable facts etc.”
- “Many times, people can’t believe a person is that self-centered and lacking in empathy…They are given the benefit of the doubt because they can act in ways that seem generous, but it’s only a ploy to keep someone connected to them or to get something specific in return. It’s easy to latch on to those moments as “proof” that the narcissist actually cared but this false earnestness doesn’t last.”
- “In their eyes, they are entitled to your resources (time, money, energy), and you are aggressing against them when you won’t, can’t, or don’t give them what they want. They will not reciprocate unless there is some reason for them to. They will use various manipulation and abuse tactics like name calling, mocking, bullying, triangulation, minimizing, character defamation, berating feelings, trolling, obscuring the issue, deflecting, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, provoking, unreasonable criticism, nitpicking, or plain verbal abuse… all to make you feel bad and give into their demands.”
- “Narcissists think that they are super-ultra-turbo-mega special, that they deserve exceptional treatment, or that they are justified in hurting others. They have grandiose goals and exaggerate their achievements to appear more impressive and more superior. Narcissists often feel a need to compete with others since they are factually not that special and terribly insecure on top of it. They will pretend, lie, hurt or exploit others, or do whatever else they deem necessary for personal gain…This whole process requires a lot of delusion, pretending, and deception. Sadly, many people fall for that and see the narcissist as this wonderful and amazing human being that they present themselves as, yet in actuality are light years from.”
- “Whenever a narcissistic person feels threatened, they will call you the things that they themselves are as or are afraid that others see them as. And then they will try to stalk you, slander you, or discredit you. They will try to sabotage and destroy you. They will start a smear campaign and attempt character assassination. In their mind, frighteningly, you have become their mortal enemy. They also have no problem doing all of it preemptively and calling it defense. So if you privately call them out, set healthier boundaries, or end the relationship, they may be afraid that you can see their flaws, or that you will tell others what kind of person they are. Whether you do that or not is not important to them. Because in their mind the mere possibility of it is a good enough excuse to label you as an enemy. And because a narcissistic type of person has little or no empathy, they may imagine that you will behave as they would in these situations. If they would lie, or more likely are already lying, they will accuse you of lying. And so they will do all these things just because they think you are somehow trying to or might hurt them. They also will accuse you of the very things they themselves are doing.”
- “A common narcissistic strategy is to play the victim. “You hurt me! Poor, poor me.” Instead of working through the issue with you or internally, they have no problem dragging others into it by lying and painting you as the perpetrator and themselves as the victim. Oftentimes, this involves the aforementioned preemptive strike or provoking to get a reaction. For example, destroying your property, slandering you, turning people against you, or physically attacking you. And then when you respond appropriately to their active or passive aggression, now they can say that you’re the aggressor because you are hurting them or that you’re unreasonable because of your “wild, unacceptable behavior.” It’s callous and calculated, and again, it involves accusing you of the things that they themselves are doing or have done. So it’s not uncommon that the audience of this dramatic spectacle doesn’t see the whole picture or doesn’t care enough to figure out the full story. It is not uncommon that many will take the side of the narcissist. The narcissist is desperate that their spectacle be believed for the sake of their emotional management, so much so that they will say and do almost anything. For a narcissist, it is rarely about the truth and almost always about their audience’s perception. This way they receive false validation that they are right and good, and that you are wrong and evil. Here, their sense of self-esteem is restored and their feelings of shame and inadequacy are managed. So it’s all well and good. Except for those who got hurt—but who cares about them, right?”
- “If you call them out on their crap or if they suspect you can see through their smoke and mirrors, they will say that it’s you—or others—who are all these things. Or that all of it is false and nonsense. They may even say that they are honest, caring, and authentic, and that you don’t understand these things, you are projecting, you are pretending, you are triggered, you are gaslighting, you are narcissistic—you are whatever buzzword they have learned! Because people with narcissistic tendencies can be interested in human psychology, too. A lot of them actually work in the helping, teaching, and medical fields or pretend to be experts and intellectuals on social media. Some of them are really smart, eloquent, and popular, which makes their statements more believable to an unaware audience. They can learn all these fancy terms and phrases, yet they often don’t understand or even care about how to apply them correctly. Here, it’s another tool for manipulation. For them, learning means finding ways to justify all of their disturbing thoughts and behaviors, or use the knowledge as a tool against others for personal gain. They will do anything but accept reality and become a decent person—yet they can play one quite well.”
- “The tipping point of vulnerability (panic) for the narcissist (when he or she feels like he or she is losing control over you or a situation) is generally a culmination of circumstances occurring when:
– You are still useful to them as supply (to feed their ego), and they therefore haven’t as yet, planned to discard you. In other words, feeding their addiction is at risk.
– They are aware that despite their relentless efforts to gaslight you into full submission, you have retained some of your autonomy, clarity of thought, self-belief, ability to question the reality they create for you, and will to be happy. This fracturing of their control over you, deeply challenges their self-concept.
- – AND, you have done something that penetrates their shield sufficiently to threaten their false perceptions of grandiosity, superiority, entitlement, and/or power (a.k.a. a narcissistic injury). This would be anything that communicates to them that they are not in control, for example, discovering you have raised your concerns about them with someone else; not complying with their directives and doing your own thing; calling them out on their disordered behaviour in an exposing way, etc.”
- So, what happens when the narcissist knows you’ve figured them out? The only way the pathological narcissist knows how to regain their inner equilibrium and get back to feeling safe in their make-believe world, is to re-establish control and power over you. Control and power for the narcissist invariably involves proving you wrong. To their way of thinking, if they establish this for themselves, they also nullify the threat you pose to their false selves…by invalidating you, and your views, they reinstate their control over you. And ultimately, control over themselves. The threat you presented, has been eradicated…Whatever their primary go-to is, expect this to be amplified. They will use whatever their ‘forte’ is, full throttle.”
Dear Reader, do any of the above statements or points sound familiar? Did anything strike a chord? Did you feel as if the writers were writing in any of the points raised, about your own experience with someone?
If so, while I don’t know what you are going through or have been through and can’t say for a surety what has been happening or why, it just might be that you have been dealing with a narcissist and have been the victim of narcissism!
If so, know that you are not alone and you are not going crazy. Narcissists specialize in distorting the facts and making them appear completely different from what they really are. They are also good at getting people to believe their version of the story and turn against you, partly because they present such a wonderful false image of themselves to people that makes them popular and well liked. They are not interested one bit in changing their character, only in continuing to fool people into believing that they are as great and lovely as the facade. For, to change would require them to admit that they were wrong and to admit that they were wrong, would mean to humble themselves under the mighty hand of God and to be sorry for their sin and narcissists are stubbornly proud people.
They succeed in masking their real identity as they are nice to most people. If they weren’t, then their mask would be removed and the whole world would see their true colours. What they do though is accept the fact that they will need to show a false self to the majority of the people they meet (which is exhausting, as they are acting all the time), while ensuring that they identify a few people or maybe one or two people with whom they can unwind, meaning be their normal, nasty, abusive selves.
In that way:
- They derive satisfaction through their false public persona, as the world supplies them with lots of attention and admiration by how nice, sweet, sociable and good they are; and
- They also derive satisfaction through their real private persona, as their unwilling victims (who know their true selves), suffer mental and psychological torture by the cruel things they say and do, without inhibition. In most situations, these victims tend to be people in a family setting who live with the narcissist or who once lived with the narcissist, like a spouse or a sibling or a child.
The picture of a narcissist is therefore someone who puts on a mask everyday when going out to face the world but when he or she returns to those who know what he or she really looks like, he or she eagerly removes the mask, revealing the wolfish features. He or she may pounce on all family members as victims or just one or two that he or she has singled out, as a good source for attacks.
Narcissists are not nice people who lash out occasionally when they are having a bad day (as a typical person does sometimes) or are at a low point in life or because they’re hurting over something. On the contrary, their niceness is so very divergent from their nastiness and it happens so frequently, that you realize that you are dealing with someone who seemingly has a split personality. It is like dealing with polar opposites and reminds you of the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde character in that book you read. Initially, you may feel like your mind is being messed with although you don’t quite understand why but then you realize that it is not that you are going crazy or being delusional. It is not that the person you are dealing with has two personalities but that one of those personalities is the real person, whereas the other is a mere act, a false self exhibited to the public, for self-serving purposes.
GETTING TO THE CORE OF NARCISSISM – EXPOSING THE SOURCE
Narcissism, in my view is not a mental condition as some medical doctors state. It is a dark, deep-seated spiritual issue. In short, it is a work of the devil. For, he is the father of lies and has been this from the beginning. John 8:44 states of the devil:
- “He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.”
Apart from being truth-twisters and manipulators, narcissists have extreme self-love and self grandiosity. They see themselves as a god and feel entitled to people’s time, space, worship, attention, adoration and admiration. They are therefore always doing things to perpetuate the false image or brand that they have created for themselves, that they are wonderful people, to whom others should admire. They are also very self-centred. Whatever they do is for self, even if on the surface, it seems like a kind or charitable act. They live for self, breathe self, obsess over the exaltation of self and operate in a world where only self matters. They love to be in control on their ‘self-ship’ and look for opportunities to promote their own glory.
If you have to be around them a lot, you may feel like if they desire (although they don’t come out and say it), that you and everyone else bow down and worship them. You are never at ease around them, as you feel as if you are walking on egg-shells all the time.
As you can see, all of the above traits are traits of the devil. Hence, narcissism, whenever it is manifested in someone is a diabolical work of the enemy, the devil.
This ought not to surprise you, although admittedly, I was quite surprised and puzzled some years back, as to what I was dealing with when confronted with what I believe was this spirit operating in someone I had to work closely with for once per week, for close to two (2) years.
Yet, the concept of narcissism is not new. It has been mentioned in the Bible, although the specific term is not used and one would never have imagined the extent of spiritual wickedness that would have been at work, in someone manifesting most of these traits. In fact, many of the key traits of a narcissist are listed in 2 Timothy 3:1-5,7-8. This scripture warned:
- “This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God. Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away…Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith…“
As time progresses and we draw closer and closer to the end of this world therefore, you can expect to see a lot more of this spirit operating through people, than before. For, people are becoming more and more selfish with time.
Where there is a narcissist that is involved in lots of kind, self-serving acts, on the surface, this may seem loving but it is done in such a way that you feel uncomfortable. For, it is a sort of invasive, forceful, demanding, overbearing, in your face, know no limits, do not disagree with me kind of ‘love’ and if you disagree (no matter the reason), the narcissist concludes (and tries to get others to conclude as well), that you do not have love. For, the narcissist reasons: Love is siding with ME and what I want and how I see things because God is love and if I see myself as a god, then that means that I am ultimately love so any dissension with MY approach or what I want is against love.
Yet, although all the kinds acts promoted by the narcissist lead many to conclude that the narcissist is indeed very loving, to the spiritually discerning, this ‘love’ appears to come with an attitude that doesn’t resemble the ‘love’ mentioned in the scriptures. The ‘love’ acts of the narcissist seem to come with conditions which everybody is expected to understand and comply with, that is: perfect obedience, perfect submission to the narcissist’s will (no matter how invasive), perfect admiration, constant attention and absolutely no dissension.
The narcissist views a difference of opinion as a personal attack against the narcissist (even when it has nothing to do with him or her) and as rebellion against his or her ‘authority’. Whenever the conditions attached to his or her ‘love’ are breached by anyone therefore (for example, someone who refuses to go along with everything the narcissist says and wants because that person finds the narcissist too overbearing, in your face and disrespectful of people’s boundaries, circumstances and feelings or because that person simply has a difference of opinion, as that person is entitled to have), that person is treated by the narcissist as an enemy of the State with cold hostility or the narcissist works harder to get the person to change his or her mind (e.g. with more unsolicited acts of ‘love’), so that that person can line up as the rest of obedient admirers with the narcissist’s wishes and most importantly, under the narcissist’s control.
Yet, while the narcissist’s ‘love’ feels artificial, overbearing and controlling and can veer into the direction of resentment and vindictiveness where there is non-acceptance of it or a failure to pour out praise for it, 1 Corinthians 13:3-7 describes true, genuine, godly love and states that:
- “And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”
There is no peace with a narcissist. The only ‘peace’ they will agree to is a ‘peace’ on their terms: That is, you must agree to submit to their control, go along with whatever they want, stop your rebellion against their ‘authority’ (because they see themselves as a god) and be okay in being used by them as a punch bag when they feel like lashing out or as someone to satisfy their need for praise and attention or someone with whom they can compete with and win, in the areas they know they do very well.
TYPES OF NARCISSISTS
Although all narcissists are extremely self-centred, love attention and admiration, tend to have the same traits of self-grandiosity, a lack of real empathy for others and the tendency to distort the facts so that they look good and you evil, there are different types of narcissists.
Now, I don’t know everything about narcissists but from my own experience with some of them, there are four (4) types as follows:-
- The one that constantly complains, plays victim and throws guilt trips;
- The one that is malignant;
- The one that is outgoing, extroverted, very social and in your face;
- The one that is quiet, seemingly peaceful, silently reflective, anti-social and introverted.
(Others may beg to differ but in my view and from my experience, the last type may be the most dangerous of the four.)
I refer to the above four as full-blown narcissists. They are completely dysfunctional in their perspective on life, completely selfish, completely wrapped up in their own world and agenda.
In commenting on how some of these narcissistic types operate, one writer wrote:
- “Inherent in the current perception of narcissism is a quality of being in it for oneself and often misusing or exploiting relationships for one’s own benefit. This best characterizes the antisocial narcissist — often, an extremely difficult, self-centered individual who expects excessive gratification from others in his or her life…
- People with antisocial narcissism…when they are caught in a lie, they may become angry. They view the social landscape as something like an enormous contest, and they will do anything to win it.
- By contrast, prosocial (very social) narcissists derive credit from positive accomplishments. They strive to do good deeds — often in public — and to make other people happy with them. In this way, they derive the validation that they, too, desperately need. If there are prosocial narcissists in your life, you may know them by how much fun they are to be around (and by the way, they take deep satisfaction in your reaction to them). They want to be liked — sometimes, too much. They want to be known and appreciated by everyone in their lives…
- By contrast, a malignant narcissist doesn’t do anything for your benefit. He or she is liable to lash out at, or attempt to destroy, other people in order to prop up his or her fragile sense of self… These people can form long-term relationships, but their behavior is unstable, and they can become aggressive if they perceive themselves to be threatened. Internally, they are working hard to protect their grandiose self-perceptions, and can often be thin-skinned, perceiving everyday events — such as a casual remark — as attacks.
- Vulnerable (victim) narcissists are deeply self-absorbed, maintain an artificially inflated sense of themselves, and believe that they are entitled to more attention than they get. They therefore feel chronically victimized, as though the world has failed to recognize their brilliance or specialness. In this, the…narcissist becomes prone to feelings of depression, even as he or she expresses powerful contempt for other people. These narcissists, too, lack empathy; they may be highly sensitive, but their sensitivity does not extend to the feelings of others.”
PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT FULL-BLOWN NARCISSISTS BUT MANIFEST DESTRUCTIVE NARCISSISTIC TENDENCIES
Apart from full blown narcissists, I’ve discovered that there are those who function in life with some semblance of normality but yet, manifest pockets of this spiritual disease. That is they cannot be considered to be full blown narcissists in that they do feel some empathy from time to time, do pursue the interest of others without a thought to self from time to time and so on.
They are therefore able to function normally for the most part. However, to those who are in constant contact with them or the unfortunate person that they may have singled out to be the object of their attacks, the ugly spirit of narcissism rises to the surface on many an occasion, manifesting itself along the lines of one of the above types or across a spectrum of the four types.
When interacting with such people, you may find yourself feeling like you have to walk around eggshells all the time, never being free to be yourself. Instead, you find yourself constantly watching what you say, how you behave, how you react, as if you dread a certain response from such persons if they perceive that you have done or behaved in a manner, that they do not like.
You may find such persons try to assert authority over you and others, are very controlling, resent any kind of resistance or difference of opinion, expect everybody to see things their way, comply with their orders and tow the line they have created. Such persons may have successfully manipulated the people around them (without them even realizing it) to think of them favourably, as special and to constantly pour out compliments and praises to them, due to the good deeds they have done and continue to do.
If you threaten this narrative that they have worked hard to build of themselves, they may try harder to do good deeds for you (without your asking or needing them to), as if to say, you are wrong about me and need to tow the line by thinking that I am awesome, like everyone else. In this way, the acts of service are self-serving. It is all about perpetuating a certain image, so as validate their narrative and maintain control. Narcissists (whether full-blown or someone with tendencies) are therefore very much about mind control.
If after all their calculated efforts to woo you, you do not bow and still do not believe the narrative they have created, you present a worrying threat. They can become visibly frustrated, openly resentful and revengeful. They take the position that, if you refuse to conform to how I’ve framed the facts, then you will pay. They then go from the super-nice person they were pretending to be, to something else and you get a glimpse into the true nature of the character. Even if they don’t say it with words, they make sure you get the message that you will suffer their wrath.
It may be possible, in my view, for a person who displays narcissistic tendencies, to deteriorate in character one day, to the point where he or she becomes a full-blown narcissist. In this way, narcissism can be progressive.
OVERCOMING THE SPIRIT OF NARCISSISM AND ITS ATTACKS
Having had a few encounters around both full-blown narcissists and people who have narcissistic tendencies, I know first hand that dealing with them is not easy. They are unapologetic, persistent in their self-pursuit, not at all self-aware and blinded by their preoccupation with self, to their very serious issues.
Narcissists are unrepentant abusers and some of the favourite lines of unrepentant abusers when they have abused you (because they will grasp at anything other than admitting that what they’ve done is wrong, apologize, repent and try to change) are as follows:
–1. Look at all that I did for you… (Calculated to make you feel ungrateful).
2. Somebody has it worse… (Calculated to make you feel ungrateful).
3. It’s because you did…why I behaved that way (Calculated to make you feel guilty, responsible as the cause and deserving of the abuse).
4. It is you that is abusing me. I am the victim (Calculated to make you feel crazy and guilty).
5. It’s all in your head (Calculated to make you feel over-analytical, delusional and crazy).
Trying to sit down and have a chat with them in the hope that they will see their wrong and the issue will be resolved due to a change of heart and attitude, will not work. It will only make matters worse. They will deny it, turn the table on you, accuse you of being wicked to them, play the victim and resent you for raising the topic. Trying to get them to see reason, to care about how they are making you feel and how they are hurting you by their actions is a complete waste of time. Stop trying. A narcissist simply does not care. His or her heart is like stone. It remains unmoved despite your best effort at persuasion. There is no love there.
They may even exact revenge by telling others a distorted version of what happened, so as to muster sympathy, painting you as the big bad wolf and them as a peaceful mouse. To make their story convincing, they may even break down and cry, so as to create emotions of anger in the persons they speak of you to, so that those persons now join the bandwagon to fight against you. Mind you, they never tell the full story or what led to the situation. For, to do so would expose them.
Make no mistake, narcissists use even their tears calculatedly, to achieve their deceptive purposes. For example, they use it as revenge, to try to guilt you and get you to believe that you are so awful (which is their false narrative), to avoid having to confess to their wrong and instead, re-assert control over a situation that they don’t like because they are being confronted about what they did which was not good or to draw sympathy from other people, when they have determined that they are going to paint you as abusive and them the victim.
I find it hard to understand how the Spirit of God which is the Spirit of TRUTH could be indwelling someone who is a narcissist, who embraces lies, hates the truth, loves conflict and drama, hates peace and is vengeful, vindictive and unforgiving. However, I will leave that issue in the hands of God. Only he is competent enough to assess the situation. I am of the view though, that such a person is not a true believer in the resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ and is not indwelled by the Spirit of Christ.
Wherever the narcissist is, if you are his or her chosen victim, there is no peace, as they are not really interested in peace. They are frustrating to be around, as they come with endless contention, strife, drama and love to throw guilt on you, even when you are innocent. Simply put, they are toxic and you can’t help but feel as if you are being poisoned with them in your life.
If you can get away from them permanently, you should run NOW. For example, if it is a boyfriend and you’re not yet tied by marriage, if you’re convinced that he is a narcissist, it is not going to get better later on in marriage. You are fortunate that you didn’t marry him as yet. GET OUT now.
If it is a friendship, then that is no real friendship. This roller-coaster will drive you nuts. You need to severe ties. Explain how you feel if you must but then RUN. Change your number if you need to. Block them on social media if you need to. The days for your being abused are over!
In some situations though, it is not easy as just getting away. The narcissist may be a family member and I will never encourage persons to cut their family members out of their life.
I believe that God gave us families for a reason. He does not make a mistake, no matter how messed up they may be and how much they may hurt us. Joseph in the Old Testament, had some brothers who treated him badly, even selling him off to strangers in the hope that he would die. Yet, this was the family God chose in his wisdom, to give him.
The reality is, some families know how to love, support and encourage and some know how to hurt, belittle and discourage. At the end of the day, whatever your portion, even if it is the latter, they are still your family.
This does not mean that you must walk around feeling sorry for yourself and bowed down by the burden of a narcissistic family member making your life a living hell. It just means that you will need to be more subtle in the approach you take to create some space, so as to obtain peace of mind.
If, for example, you have a cousin living overseas who has been using whatsApp to keep in contact with you, not for relationship building but for perpetuation of abuse, you can let her know that you are coming off whatsApp for a while and then do so. She can still call you if she decides to but there will be a financial cost to that and therefore, it should serve as some level of a deterrent on her part.
In this way, you have effectively destroyed the means that she has been using to reach you easily and frequently, in order to attack you and disturb your peace, whether it be picking a fight with you for no proper reason, trying to make you feel guilty about something, trying to make sure you are reminded that you are a horrible person, constantly flaunting her ‘achievements’ in your face in the hope that you will be jealous and finally agree that she is indeed superior to you, expecting your constant praise and adulation when she sends you endless pictures (and I mean endless pictures) of what she did or using whatsApp to frequently monitor your every move like a hawk and compete with you.
Of course, having destroyed the whatsApp connection, you will still want to speak to your real friends on whatsApp. To solve this problem is easy. You can buy another phone (do whatever it takes), download the app and only add those people to it. Of course, you need to ensure that none of the persons you add are also friends with your cousin, as you want this whatsApp connection to remain secret and unknown to your narcissist cousin.
Wisdom is key. You can still call your cousin from time to time and pay the cost for the normal line but the constant communication which breeds abuse, will be significantly reduced.
This may sound drastic but remember, you only have one life to live. You can’t afford to waste it by allowing that toxic family member to drain the life out of you. Whatever your situation, be creative. Keep the door open but find subtle, peaceful ways to create some level of distance, so as to preserve your sanity and well-being.
What if you live with the narcissistic family member?
If you are in a situation where you live with the family member and you are not in a position to move out and away at the moment, then you need coping strategies to successfully handle that situation.
If you are not in Christ Jesus, in that you have never surrendered your life to Him as Lord, then it is highly possible that you may lose the fight against the narcissist. Remember, narcissism is diabolical in source. In your own strength and outside of Jesus therefore, you are no match for this level of spiritual wickedness.
If you are indwelled by the Spirit of Christ though, being born of God, the narcissist is no match for you because “Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world” (1 John 4:4). Also, 1 John 5:4-5 testifies that “For whatsoever is born of God, overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?”
Isaiah 59:19 reminds those that are in covenant with God that, “…When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him.”
You therefore need the help of the Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit, to overcome and to win the fight against a narcissist.
If you don’t know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour and don’t yet have relationship with him where you are submitted to his Lordship and therefore under his authority, your first course of action is that you need to humble yourself under the mighty hand of God (as your self-pride blinds, distorts, deludes and will ultimately destroy you), so that you can receive the salvation that God is offering freely through his Son Jesus Christ.
In short, given that there is no other way given among men whereby we must be saved, you must believe this to be true because it is God’s testimony. Unlike narcissists that make lying their life, God does not lie. You must see yourself as the vile sinner that you are, that you have come short of God’s glory and are deserving of his judgment and even all that you have been enduring at the hands of that narcissist because of your sins. In fact, you, I and every person in the world are all deserving of God’s judgment (which is the worst that could befall us) and to go to hell. In his mercy however, he offers us a way out.
Convinced of these truths and that you are pathetically lost, inadequate in your own self and destined for hell, you must believe on Jesus (God’s Son) by faith, believe that he is the world’s Saviour and therefore, yours as well and ask him to come into your heart and life and save you.
In particular, in keeping with Romans 10:9-10, if you BELIEVE IN YOUR HEART the Bible when it testifies that Jesus died years ago when he came to earth but was raised up again from the dead by God the Father on the third day, then because he is God the Son and God the Father has highly exalted him and given him a name that is above every name, you need to CONFESS WITH YOUR MOUTH (say it out) that Jesus is Lord. Confessing this truth verbally, from a heart that believes that Jesus rose from the dead is powerful. For, as Romans 10:9-13 declares:
- “That if thou shalt CONFESS WITH THY MOUTH the Lord Jesus, and shalt BELIEVE IN THINE HEART that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and WITH THE MOUTH CONFESSION IS MADE UNTO SALVATION. For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him. For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”
In repentance for your life of sin thus far, you should then ask him (meaning it in your heart) to please take over and take control of your life, to forgive you for all of your sins for which you are genuinely sorry and fill you with his Holy Spirit.
If you genuinely believe in Jesus’ resurrection from the dead, sincerely called upon his name with your mouth as Lord and have repented of your sins, then he becomes your sure foundation and will help you in every battle you face in moving forward. The Bible lets us know that once we have surrendered our whole life to Jesus Christ, God does some wonderful things for us, as follows:
- He delivers us from the power of darkness (this is where the narcissist thrives) and translates us into the kingdom of his dear Son Jesus Christ (Colossians 1:13);
- He indwells us with his Holy Spirit, which regenerates us and enables us to be more than conquerors through Jesus Christ (Titus 3:5; Romans 8:37);
- He enables us to partake of an eternal inheritance in heaven (Colossians 1:12; Acts 20:32).
If God delivers you from the power of darkness and repositions you in the Kingdom of Jesus Christ, which is light, then you have been elevated to a level above that of the narcissist, not in self-importance but in power. That is, the power through which the narcissist operates, which is undoubtedly from the devil, is inferior to the power of God. You are therefore guaranteed victory because it is not by your own might or power but by HIS Spirit, whereby you will be upheld with the right hand of HIS righteousness (Zechariah 4:6; Isaiah 41:10).
The Lord, who is faithful, will equip you for the battle with spiritual weapons that the enemy cannot withstand and will teach your hands how to war (Psalm 18:34; Ephesians 6:11-17), not physically but spiritually (SEE Article 161 under ‘BIBLE-BELIEVING Daughters’ entitled: “Overcoming Oppression – Spiritual Warfare’)
If you on the other hand are already a believer in the resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ, have confessed him as Lord with your mouth and are living a life submitted to his Lordship, then this means that you are a Christian. As a Christian, please remember that no power, not even narcissism is strong enough to defeat you. For, in Christ Jesus and his love, you are MORE than a conqueror.
Romans 8:31-39 declares of every believer in the Lord Jesus Christ:
- “What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things? Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God’s elect? It is God that justifieth. Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
When you believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and surrender your life to his Lordship, the Holy Spirit comes to live inside you and empowers you to live victoriously. Defeat will not be your portion, no matter how difficult the battle. For, as stated before, the Word of God says: “Ye are of God, little children, and HAVE OVERCOME THEM: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.”
With this in mind, as a Christian, when dealing with a narcissistic family member that you live with you should:
1. Gird up your loins in truth
Ephesians 6:14 states: “Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness.”
Don’t allow that wicked spirit of lies and deception to distort the reality. Hold on to the truth of what you know has been transpiring and don’t allow doubt to mess with your head, trying to convince you that you are going crazy and the problem is not them but you. That is a lie from the pit of hell so reject it, in Jesus’ name.
Also, don’t allow the devil’s lies to make you forget who you are in Christ Jesus. You are a precious daughter of the King. The devil will use the narcissist to attack this identity, trying to convince you through that person’s words and actions, that you are worthless, not special, insignificant, a horrible person, without dignity, scum and a loser in life. Rebuke these lies in the name of Jesus and remind yourself of truth as is revealed in the Word of God.
2. Resist the urge to react and retaliate
I know this one is difficult. This is one of my weak points. I don’t respond well to provocation but have to learn to not respond to the attacks, so that the enemy would not have a foothold. Ephesians 4:27 states that we should give no place to the devil. When someone hurts you, the tendency is to look for ways, sometimes subtle, to hit back. This is what the devil wants. Don’t play into his agenda.
1 Peter 3:9 states that we should not be “…rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.” Romans 12:21 also states: “Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.”
3. Pray to God for protection, deliverance and vindication
Pray to God in faith, believing that he will grant what you ask. Ask him for PROTECTION, to grant you DELIVERANCE from that spirit of narcissism that is oppressing you and for him to fight for you in this battle. Ask him to deliver you from the spirit of control and manipulation, manifesting itself in that person.
Ask him to grant you IMMUNITY against the attacks, to help you not to be bitter, anxious, saddened, angry, insecure or rendered unstable by them and the damage caused.
Ask the Lord to UPHOLD you in the right hand of his righteousness. If he upholds you in his power, try as they might, there is no spirit in hell that can bring you down.
Ask the Lord to also VINDICATE you. Narcissists can leave a wake of damage in the path where they have been, due to their slander, character assassination and control and manipulation. People you were once close to, may have become distant to you due to the poison sown by the narcissist and people may regard you unfavourably because the narcissist has represented you in this manner to them. Yet, the spirit of narcissism is not greater than the power of almighty God. He can break it in the person, break its influence over your life and reverse the damage it has caused.
You should therefore ask the Lord to REVERSE the damage, restore relationships and to vindicate your name, where the narcissist has ruthlessly dragged it in the mud, based on lies and half-truths. He is able to make you win despite all the pain and abuse you have been through and to make that narcissist completely ashamed, if he or she remains unrepentant.
As cunning as the narcissist is and how good he or she is at fooling people, God is able to expose them. Ask him to EXPOSE him or her if this is necessary. Once you fight back in the spirit with your spiritual weapons of warfare (e.g. the Word of God), the days of that spirit of narcissism are numbered.
For, God did not create you to serve as the supply of someone’s ego but to serve Him and bring Him praise and glory. He is a jealous God. In Isaiah 42:8, God stated: “I am the LORD: that is my name: and my glory will I not give to another, neither my praise to graven images.”
The same holds true of every narcissistic spirit. God will not give or share his glory with a narcissist. In Isaiah 43:7, he declared: “Even every one that is called by my name: for I have created him for my glory, I have formed him; yea, I have made him.”
The Lord did not create you to be abused mentally, psychologically or in any other manner by someone but for HIS glory.
Now, after you’ve prayed, know that God may not fix the situation overnight. He may take his time but you must wait on him and trust Him. Psalm 25:2-3 states: “O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me. Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause.”
Of God’s reputation to set things right when we pray to him and wait on him, Lamentations 3:25 states: “The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.”
Psalm 33:18-22 states:
- “Behold, the eye of the Lord is upon them that fear him, upon them that hope in his mercy; To deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waiteth for the Lord: he is our help and our shield. For our heart shall rejoice in him, because we have trusted in his holy name. Let thy mercy, O Lord, be upon us, according as we hope in thee.”
4. Stick close to the Word
This has been mentioned briefly before. The Word of God (the Bible) is truth and it is the sword of the spirit of God which you are to use to hit back at your spiritual enemy. He is no match for God’s Word. As situations arise therefore, find verses that are applicable, believe what they say and declare them out loud in your situation. The Bible states: “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7)
I strongly recommend that you read Note 291 entitled: ‘Overcoming Oppression -Spiritual Warfare’. This will enable you to better understand how to use God’s Word to fight back and be victorious.
5. Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might
There is no situation that Jesus cannot intervene in and no stronghold that he cannot break. Instead of becoming bitter and resentful or depressed and in despair therefore, look to Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith. While you may be weak and tired of what you are going through, he is strong. In him is everlasting strength. Allow him to strengthen you therefore, for this battle.
6. Pray to God for the person
Don’t take the attacks personally. The person needs help and while you can’t help them, Jesus can. Realize that the person is as much a victim as you are as they are in satan’s clutches or have been used mightily by him.
Pray in love for them therefore, asking God to change them, to grant them deliverance from that spirit, that they would come to know the Lord Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour (if they don’t yet know Him), that the blinders that the enemy has placed over their eyes and the hardness he has placed over their hearts would be removed, causing them to see the ugliness of their own ways and to humble themselves in God’s sight and repent.
7. Keep forgiving
This will be an ongoing process, as narcissists don’t ever stop unless God intervenes to break their activity or you get to distance yourself by moving away or they decide that you are no longer useful to them and their sick ego and so they dismiss you from their lives, in so far as they can get away with it.
When someone keeps insulting, belittling and abusing you and you forgive them, it is hard to keep forgiving them when they continue without an ounce of remorse for their actions. It is hard when you think that you have finally come to a point of peace and harmony with a person, only to find that they are again stirring up some trouble against you, shortly thereafter and you have to forgive that troublemaker…again, when he or she is not even sorry and is still in the process, unrepentantly, of creating mischief in relation to you.
Yet, God calls upon us to do so. In Matthew 18:21-22, it states:
- “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”
A heart of forgiveness is therefore necessary. Although the narcissist will not be sorry unless God breaks that satanic hold over their lives, you need to keep forgiving.
8. Grasp the opportunity provided for you to change
I have come to realize that there is a reason or reasons that God allows every situation, no matter how hard and painful it may be. If in doubt, ask him what he is trying to teach you in this situation and use it to grow spiritually.
Like Joseph’s wicked brothers, the narcissist may have intended his or her attacks for evil but God may intend it for good (Genesis 50:22).
9. By God’s grace, guard your sanity
Narcissists will provoke you, harass you, belittle you, insult you, accuse you, throw a guilt trip at you, make a mountain out of a mole hill, do everything under the sun other than to give you a simple answer to a simple question or request you may make and complain about you and everything you do. They pick a fight with almost everything you say and do and seemingly live to be contentious.
There are times when you will wonder, how did what I say, lead to this storm, argument, attack or put-down? Why is such a big deal being made out of it and why is this person so angry with me all the time?
Sometimes they will deliberately remain silent when you call out to them or ask them a question, just to get you upset. They will give no explanation for why they chose to not say anything, making you feel stupid, confused as to why and insignificant.
The aim is to make you feel absolutely worthless and depressed and it is so wicked a strategy, that you realize that it is not so much the person doing it but the devil who is controlling the person’s actions and directing them to do it. He hates you and he is using that person to come after you, so there are days when you will feel that the narcissist hates the very fact that you breathe. The fact that you are alive, seems to be the problem and every time the narcissist sees or hears you, it seems to get them upset.
This can seriously break your heart and make you weep, as you realize the narcissist wants to make you feel guilty for being alive. They seem to take delight in making you suffer and are happy when they’ve done something that makes you hurt. There are days and moments therefore, where you will feel as if they are on a mission from the devil himself, to stress you out as much as possible and to take you down at all costs. It is almost as if they cannot help it. They’ve been instructed to attack you and they must obey the one that controls them.
By the grace of almighty God, stay prayed up and do not cave in. Guard your sanity by doing all the other steps listed above.
Narcissists are definitely on a mission to steal your joy and to destroy your sanity and so they do the opposite of building up, encouraging, supporting, edifying and loving. Then, when they are finished driving you nuts and provoking you to unbelievable levels, they play the victim card and sometimes even get all emotional, making you feel as if you are going crazy because you have no recollection of having done anything wrong but they are acting as if you did and as if you are such an awful person and are stressing them out. That is the irony of narcissism. They abuse and then play the victim.
Hold fast to truth though. They are trying desperately to make you accept their fictitious narrative or to think that you are going crazy but you’re not! You are not perfect I am sure but you are not the problem here, as narcissists want you desperately to believe and even tell others. The narcissist is!
Don’t throw in the towel. Yes I know that your pain is so much, that you genuinely feel as if you can’t go on. You just can’t take one more moment of this madness, which others don’t know and see but which is your daily experience with the narcissist.
Yet, God is able to renew your strength. He is able to uphold you in his righteousness and to sustain you through this. Remember, he has not lost his sovereignty. All that you are going through, he has allowed and sees. Nobody else may imagine the hell you are going through and see the toll it is taking on your health but He knows, so you are not alone and He knows what he is doing. He can deliver you from that oppression by bringing you out of that place but even if he doesn’t, trust that his grace is sufficient for you to deal with this messenger of satan that is buffeting you, every opportunity he or she gets.
Stop wracking your brain to try to figure out what you did wrong and why the narcissist is behaving the way he or she is doing. Stop trying to understand why you have been singled out for attacks and why the narcissist can be so nice to others but yet unrepentantly nasty to you. Stop wondering if you are giving off something that attracts the narcissist’s attacks or if there is something that you need to be delivered from, that is making them hate on you the way they are doing.
You don’t have all the answers but Jesus does. Cling to him therefore and ask him to reveal any thing about yourself that may be contributing to the situation and that, like David did when Saul kept attacking him, you will behave yourself wisely.
If after you have examined yourself, repented of any bad attitudes or ways, asked God to help you to change in any area that displeases him and in any bad attitudes you may have and especially in your poor responses to the narcissist’s attacks and provocation, leave it in his hands.
Sometimes, the hatred emanating from the narcissist to yourself, may break your heart, especially if the narcissist is a family member or spouse. For, you desperately want the relationship to be better, peaceful and loving. You desperately want the narcissist to treat you as nicely as he or she does everybody else and when he or she doesn’t, you feel utterly rejected and like the scum of the earth. Worse yet, the narcissist finds ways to incite people to believe that you are doing them something, so they too come after you and perpetuate the abuse, which can leave you feeling utterly hopeless. BUT GOD!
You want peace and a loving atmosphere and for Christ to truly be Lord over your home yes but it takes two to tango. You want peace but the narcissist, clearly taking instructions from the devil, has singled you out for war.
You are under attack and although it is a family member or spouse, the battle is nonetheless sore. You therefore need to put on your spiritual armour as provided by the Lord and use your weapons of spiritual warfare.
The enemy CANNOT withstand the Word of God as stated earlier, so you can wield it when under attack. Try quoting a verse that contradicts the narcissist’s efforts or how he or she is trying to make you feel and see what happens. Look carefully as to how he or she responds. Alternatively, you may utter them to yourself.
Here are some examples of verses that you can use:
- “…your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the POWER of God.”
- “The JOY of the Lord is your strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10)
- “Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because GREATER is he that is in you, than he that is in the world…” (1 John 4:4)
- “Thou wilt keep him in perfect PEACE, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.” (Isaiah 26:3)
- “I can do all things THROUGH CHRIST which strengtheneth me.” (Philippians 4:13)
- “My grace is SUFFICIENT for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
- “But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have SUFFERED A WHILE, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.” (1 Peter 5:2)
- “…be STRONG IN THE LORD, and in the power of HIS might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For WE WRESTLE NOT AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD, BUT AGAINST PRINCIPALITIES, AGAINST POWERS, AGAINST THE RULERS OF THE DARKNESS OF THIS WORLD, AGAINST SPIRITUAL WICKEDNESS IN HIGH PLACES.
- Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having YOUR LOINS GIRT ABOUT WITH TRUTH, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench ALL the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints” (Ephesians 6:10-18)
When you feel tired, overwhelmed and sad by all that you are going through because you have been the subject or one of the subjects, of the narcissist’s merciless onslaught, also feel free to cry out to the Lord who sits as King upon that flood and every flood that you could ever face in this life. There are days when your soul will feel so weary because the narcissist never lets up, that you will even feel as if you cannot go on and that you desperately need to escape this oppression. Hide yourself in God’s Word and in his warm embrace. Cry out to him as the Psalmist did in Psalm 120. He stated:
- “In my distress I cried unto the Lord, and he heard me. Deliver my soul, O Lord, from lying lips, and from a deceitful tongue. What shall be given unto thee? or what shall be done unto thee, thou false tongue? Sharp arrows of the mighty, with coals of juniper. Woe is me, that I sojourn in Mesech, that I dwell in the tents of Kedar! MY SOUL HATH LONG DWELT WITH HIM THAT HATETH PEACE. I AM FOR PEACE: BUT WHEN I SPEAK, THEY ARE FOR WAR.“
The narcissist will try to make you feel as if you are going crazy or that you are the problem but have some kind of blind-spot where you are not seeing it. Yet, while you are certainly not perfect and have flaws as every human being has, it is not you that is causing the issue. The truth of the matter is that the narcissist, though never willing to admit it, has a serious spiritual problem, which most people they encounter don’t know about and have not the courage or discernment to see and address. This is sad and even painful to think about when the narcissist is a family member or a spouse that you love, as the issue with their soul, may have eternal ramifications.
Nevertheless, don’t let them steal your joy. They have none and therefore think that as their target, you should walk around feeling miserable as well. They are incensed that you dare to be joyful and the enemy uses them to try to make you feel worthless, so as to derail God’s purposes in your life. Repeat to yourself as many times as you deem necessary, to ward off this diabolical attack, that the joy of the Lord is your strength. Also, remember to love them, no matter what. Love covers the multitude of sins.
In closing, you would notice that I did not say seek counselling with the person or psychological intervention. This is because I do not believe that the problem of narcissism and its damaging impact on you, can be solved through counselling or psychological intervention.
A narcissist never sees himself or herself as wrong and is not interested in peace unless it is on his or her self-serving terms. Such a person would therefore not voluntarily attend such sessions, unless they have some hidden self-serving agenda or they feel forced to because others expect them to attend.
You will never find a full-blown narcissist stating, in the way rehabilitated addicts and former criminals do, that he or she used to be a narcissist but that after psychological counselling or any other earthly form of intervention, he or she is no longer a narcissist. That spirit of narcissism is so diabolically evil, that only the supernatural power of Jesus the Creator, the Redeemer and the Saviour, could break its operating in a person’s life.
Remember, it is a spiritual problem (manifesting itself as a mental problem) and therefore requires a spiritual solution.
Telling others about the situation could also potentially backfire in your face when the narcissist finds out, only making matters worse. Some narcissists are psychopaths though. So, if you feel that your life and physical safety are in danger or that of your loved ones, by all means, you should seek help from the relevant authorities. Just be wise about it.
If, however, you do not feel that your safety and those of your loved ones are in danger and you have a close Christian friend or mentor that you can trust to keep your issue confidential, if you know that that friend or mentor is genuinely concerned about your life and spiritual success, you may consider confiding in him or her about the issue, asking him or her to pray and even fast with you about it.
Finding confidants today are rare, even in the Church but if you know of such a person and feel that they can render some kind of support, then pray about it first and if you feel the Lord leading you, then go to them about the issue.
Do not be dismayed though if the person you go to does not believe you. Narcissists work so hard to brand themselves as beacons of society and for so many years, that sometimes even those close to you will not believe you when you tell them the truth. If this happens, be comforted in the fact that even when man is hoodwinked by the depth of deception, God is not fooled. He sees and he knows and TRUTH is still important to him.
Do not try to find ways to gather evidence, like recording their words to you or sending what they typed you on whatsApp to someone else. Leave it alone. Stand still. Romans 12:18 states: “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.”
Shed some tears if you must but then rest in God’s warm embrace. Let HIM handle it.
(Written on 24th April, 2020 and added to thereafter)
Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be interesting, informative, edifying or beneficial, you may also be interested in the following Articles:
- Note 51 – ‘Characteristics Of A Counterfeit’
- Note 53 – ‘God-sent v Devil-sent – The Difference’
- Note 58 -‘To Tell If He’s The One, Put On Your Spiritual Glasses’
- Note 131 – ‘What I Need in a Spouse’
- Note 208 – ‘Signs That That Work Colleague, Relative Or Church Member May Be Toxic’
- Note 277 – ‘When Family Disappoints’
- Note 291 – ‘Can A Narcissist Be A Christian?’
- Note 293 – ‘Overcoming Oppression – Spiritual Warfare’
Additionally, under ‘BROKEN Daughters’:
- Note 25 – ‘The Bummer Lamb’
Additionally, under ‘BIBLE-BELIEVING Daughters:
- Note 11 – ‘Who Are Your Enemies?’
- Note 12 – ‘Stressful Attacks – How David, Hannah and Jehoshaphat Handled It’
- Note 15 – ‘Why The Enemy’s Attack Is My Cue To Sing’
- Note 47 – ‘Silencing The Naysayers’
- Note 59 – ‘I Will Trust God With My Enemies’
- Note 61 – ‘Are You Putting Yourself In The Line Of Fire?’
- Note 63 – ‘After They Have Done Their Worst, Yet Still I Rise’
- Note 67 – ‘What The Enemy Is After’
- Note 161 – ‘Overcoming Oppression – Spiritual Warfare’
- Note 171 – ‘Dear Peninnah’