131. WHAT I NEED IN A SPOUSE

(The Single Woman Series – Batch 3)

Previously, in 2014 or 2015, I created a list of 60+ characteristics and traits that I am looking for in a divinely compatible spouse. This can be found in Article 68 entitled ‘My Detailed List – What I Want In A Divinely Compatible Spouse‘

This list was based on traits of godly men in the Bible that I studied, like Boaz and both the old and new testament Josephs, the experiences of others in relationships that I observed over the years and even based on my own limited experience with men.

I therefore have a list of what I want in a man, which with God’s help, will guide me in figuring out who is Mr Right, for me.

Lately, however, I’ve been contemplating on some specific aspects of the character of the man I need in my life, based on what I felt I lacked the most in my interaction with people over the years. There is a difference between wants and needs.

In contemplating on these areas, I realised that, in addition to the list that I had prepared, what I needed really was someone to physically represent, as an ambassador, the Lord Jesus Christ in my life, by reminding me of him. For, I realised that all that I felt I needed in a spouse with whom I would be aligned with until death did us part were traits that I had already been experiencing with my Lord. For example, although people have often misunderstood me or have been impatient with me or unwilling to forgive me when I did wrong, I have experienced the love of a God that, although he chastens me, truly gets me and my motives, knows my heart, is patient with me, remembers that I am merely human like everybody else on earth and has showered me with grace, mercy and forgiveness when I mess up and am sorry.

I therefore needed a husband that would remind me of HIM and felt the need to create another list, not so much in terms of the characteristics that my future spouse should have but the characteristics I felt he needed to have in relation to how he deals with and interacts with me, in a lifelong commitment.

These areas are especially important to me, based on deficiencies in my experience with many people and men especially, in life. Therefore, I have decided after I typed up this second list of needs, to pray about them to the Lord, asking him to bring me a spouse that he has hand-crafted and especially equipped to fit me, in relation to these areas that I have perceived that I need.

I will admit, when I considered my needs, I wondered if such a person would ever be brought into my life. That is, I knew that whoever God sent would love me and be good to me generally but I wondered, given how much time has passed in my life and the endless years that I have not been in a relationship with anyone, whether God would really send someone that would love me to the extent that I needed.

I have always dreamed of a very strong love bond, as opposed to what I passively see in so many relationships around me. I could never be satisfied with a passive, ‘I will settle for you’ sort of love because I have always been a very passionate person. I want something deep, intense and strong. Additionally, I have realized that I am someone that cannot change men in my life like how I’ve seen other women do so easily and quickly and that for me, when I love, it is really a strong, selfless, lifelong kind of love, unless God intervenes to break it. Needless to say, I am a one man for life, kind of woman.

God did intervene, thankfully, for me on one occasion in my past when I chose to love the wrong man. He has also come through for me years after that, by comforting me, when I was severely heartbroken, due to a suddenly dashed hope I had nurtured for close to two years, in relation to a guy at a church I then attended. Based on (1) my being very physically attracted to him, (2) the existence of what seemed at the time to be several definite signs and signals and (3) what seemed like indications of mutual interest at the time, I thought that he was possibly THE ONE God wanted for me. I was wrong and I have learned not to put any confidence in what looks like a sign. Put confidence in God’s Word the Bible.

In light of my past and the fact that I am a one-man-for-life kind of woman, it has been therefore good for me to be by myself and out of a relationship all of these years, as God has not seen it fit, as yet, to send the right one into my life. Anything else outside of his perfect will that was flippant and fleeting, would have resulted in serious heartache on my part, maybe even long after those involved had moved on with their lives.

Yet, knowing the extent to which I wished to be loved and the needs that I desired to be met in a spouse, I wondered, would a man ever love me that much? Would God really provide a man, after all of this time, that came with the ability to meet these specific needs that I have and with a love for me, that is as strong and as passionate (spiritually, emotionally and physically) as I need it to be or will I just have to settle for a man simply because he says he loves me and treats me well enough?

Having wondered this, I then remembered the Word of God which does not lie and which states that whatever we imagine or think, God is able to exceed it (Ephesians 3:20). He is able to blow my mind with what he provides, simply because he is God, all powerful and beside him, there is none else.

I am therefore choosing to stand on the Word of God and trust HIM to provide a man to be my husband and lifelong partner, who would not just relate to me in relation to all of the needs I have listed below but even love me more than I have even imagined that I needed him to love me.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. This is what the Word of God says and I believe it (Hebrews 11:1).

At my age and with my tumultuous circumstances, I cannot even begin to understand where such a man will come from or how God will bring us together and what I am hoping for, to pass but I will wait on a God that does not disappoint and has never failed me yet.

His Word states that those that wait on him, shall be honoured (Proverbs 27:18).

Having said all this, below is a list of the needs I have realised I have, in relation to a God-sent spouse and which I need to be met in a marriage covenant. It is these traits I believe, that will set him apart from the masses, from all of the Christian men who could potentially make decent spouses for me and enable me to identify that he is THE ONE, APPROVED of by God for me. I want and need more than a decent spouse. I want and need a spouse that is divinely compatible with me and that is therefore equipped by God, to meet my needs perfectly.

MY LIST OF NEEDS IN A GOD-SENT SPOUSE

I need him to:

Be patient with me as I grow in the Lord, not trying to rush an outcome or my maturing in Christ or any other area as it pertains to me and life.

Get me, truly understand who I am, how I feel, how I think, why I do what I do, my heart, my motives, as opposed to misunderstanding, which I have had a lot of in this life, even among family members.

See the best in me first, although I am not perfect and there is ugliness in my character as well. I need him though, to not assume the worst first about a situation that involves me but to be guided by the fact that he knows me and gets me and therefore, will not hastily arrive at faulty conclusions in relation to me, based on what he has been told or how things appear to be.

Show me lots of grace and mercy and forgive me, for the times when I am wrong, at fault, when I am imperfect, when I have behaved poorly, disappoint him, hurt him or others, mess up or say the wrong thing.

Be the person that I am able to be vulnerable with, without any pressure to be perfect and strong all the time and where it is safe, in his presence, to let down my guard, reveal my insecurities, cry, be comforted, be frank, express my fears, be human and know that despite my imperfections, I am still loved, cherished and accepted.

Be invested in me, my life, my getting better, my being victorious, my obtaining success as God sees it, my growing in the Lord and in character, to truly want the best for me and to see me become better, even if it means sacrifice to himself and his own interests, needs or wants. I need him to want me to be all that God wants me to be in this life and to want to see me showcase, as opposed to hiding, all the gifts and talents that God wants me to use for HIS glory.

Be able to handle all of my strengths and to encourage me to be even stronger. I need him to not be intimidated in the least by all the God-given glory he sees and perceives in me but to be glad for it and to propel me on to even greater and better, so much so that he does not ever try to stifle, suppress, belittle, silence or discourage what God has placed in me but instead, propel me to showcase HIS glory even more.

Value me and my opinions, encourage and appreciate the importance of healthy discussions between us on all issues, genuinely value my input, perspective on things and consider it seriously because he views us as equal partners (although we have different roles), to contribute to the building of God’s Kingdom and each other. He must not just see things, including spiritual matters, as being his way, without there being any other interpretation or thought but understand that God’s Word is rich with different lessons, applications etc. and that he may obtain one lesson from a passage and me another. He must appreciate the different takes that Christians will have on a passage, provided that truth remains intact. He must see me as one who God will use to speak to him at times and therefore his ears must always be open and attentive to hear and seriously consider what I have to say on any subject and my take on the Word and on life in general. He must be careful always, to express his take on scripture, where it is not absolutely clear and therefore open to different interpretations, as his opinion and not fact, even if he holds it strongly. He must not try to force his opinion on a matter or the Word (that is not an established fact or truth), down my throat or that of others simply because he believes it to be true, understanding that others may have other views on the subject and see different lessons from it, provided it is not a non-negotiable truth. He must also be careful not to insert into scripture, his view on something as fact, when it is not expressly stated in the scripture and it is not something that the Holy Spirit has revealed to him and to other Christians in general.

Be kind to me, given that I haven’t had much of this in life and especially from men. Given that I have experienced a lot of harshness, abuse, bad treatment, etc. he needs to be different and be kind, gracious, tender and respectful of me, always being mindful of the fact that I am the weaker vessel and also God’s precious daughter and therefore treat me with great care and gentleness and with the honour that being a daughter of God is supposed to come with.

Embrace my past, the hurts, the lessons, the mistakes, the chastenings from God and the pain. He must want to hear my story and be encouraged by it. He must be respectful of me and appreciative of me even more, due to it (even as Boaz was of Ruth) and must never discredit, discount or dismiss the extent of the pain I have been through but be grateful to God for preserving me through all of it and of how he has been working on me through those years. He must get (in addition to him getting or understanding me), the greatness of the love story I have had with God all my life, that he is a mere addition to it and understand how I have been affected, shaped, moulded by my experiences. He must understand that God has been and continues to be my ultimate Potter and why I am, all that I am today, where I am presently in life and how far I still need to go.

(Written on 7^th October, 2017)

Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be interesting, informative, edifying or beneficial, you may wish to read the following:

Note 8 – ‘My Quick Ten Point Checklist – Is He The One?‘
Note 18 – ‘You Can’t Change Him’
Note 20 – ‘Equation For Relationship Success’
Note 21 – ‘When He Doesn’t See Your Worth’
Note 58 – ‘To Tell If He’s The One Put On Your Spiritual Glasses’
Note 68 – ‘My Detailed List – What I Want In A Divinely Compatible Spouse’
Note 128 – ‘God-sent Or Just God-ly?’
Note 130 – ‘Ladies, How Long Are You Prepared To Wait?’
Note 137 – ‘Who To Marry?’
Note 144 – ‘Before You Say ‘I Do’
Note 145 – ‘Does He Love You Or Lust You?’
Note 147 – ‘How To Tell If He’s Your God-sent And Not Just God-ly’
Note 258 – ‘The Man Of The World vs The Man Of God’
Note 260 – ‘Common Sense Tips For Choosing The Right One’
Note 268 – ‘Making The Wrong Decision Can Be Costly – When You Don’t Wait On God To Introduce You To Your Spouse’
Note 271 – ‘Not Just Any Man Will Do – My Top Ten (10) Pet Peeves In A Man’
Note 275 – ‘How God Wants Us To Treat With Our Idols’