69. IS HE THE ONE? TEN (10) PRACTICAL FACTORS TO CONSIDER BEFORE MARRIAGE

(The Courting or Engaged Series – Batch 3)

There is a saying: To each his own. To my mind, this can be taken to mean that what one person may find no issue with and be perfectly comfortable with another may not be able to tolerate. Yet, when it comes to choosing a life partner, a husband, that lifetime spouse, while we are all different and one thing may appeal to one person but not another, there are certain non-negotiables. I call them non-negotiables because chances are if you enter a marriage turning a blind eye to them, they are likely to create serious problems for you and threaten the success of that union.

The bottom line is, you want to get it right. As I’ve written on countless occasions before, you cannot afford to get the question of who to marry, wrong. If you’re signing up for a lifetime with a person, you want to make sure that it is the right person.

The Bible gives much guidance and insight into this topic, to help you to make the right choice. Drawing from principles in the Bible, it is possible to extract practical wisdom to help you, as you seek to evaluate a potential spouse. I have written on some of these principles in Articles before but today, I want to add some more.

I would advise, when considering if any prospects may be the one that God intends for you to marry, in addition to the factors I have written in other Articles that you should look out for, consider the following:

1. How do they handle ADVERSITY?

Must the whole world stop when they are having a bad day? Do they become irritable, argumentative, aggressive or abusive? What is their behaviour like during periods of drought? Do they find it difficult to cope and wallow in self-pity and depression? Does the faith they claim to have, get demonstrated by them persevering through the difficulty or does it seem that their talk about having faith in Jesus was just that – talk?

2. How do they deal with CONFLICT/DISAGREEMENTS, especially those within the relationship?

Are they always right? Must they always have the last say? Are they capable of reasoning? Are they humble enough to acknowledge, with and without prodding, that they were wrong and to ask for forgiveness or are they wrong and strong and never genuinely apologize? Do they never see themselves as having done anything wrong or are they too proud to ever admit it? Are you always made to feel as if you’re to blame? Are they always full of excuses insteading of being honest about when they have messed up?

3. What are their beliefs and VALUE SYSTEM?

It is easy to say I am a Christian but what do they really uphold? What principles do they live their lives by and how do they operate? What do they prioritize? How do they view people in general? Do they see them as equal or consider some as better than others because of race, prestige, background, origin, spiritual gifts, talents, personalities, looks, profession, popularity, political affiliation, circle of friends, financial status and other trivial factors?

4. How do they handle PROMOTION/days of abundance?

Do they become puffed up and prideful when making advancements in life and on days when good things and opportunities are coming their way or do they remain humble, grounded, sober, mindul that the God that gave it can also take it away and that to whom much is given, much is expected? Do they begin to look down at others when they are promoted or at you? Do you suddenly become not good enough for them? On days and seasons when things are very, very good, do they seem to change for the worse?

5. Are they kind, caring and CONSIDERATE of others, including you or do they always or almost always think of themselves first or without any consideration for others or how their actions will impact on others?

Do they live their lives as if in a self-bubble where nobody else is around or nobody else matters and therefore, do as they please without caring how their actions may hurt or affect others or are they mindful of what they do, say and act because they don’t want to negatively affect others?

6. Are they prone to FORGIVE or do they hold on to vendettas, whether real or imagined, for a very long time?

Do they look for opportunities, even if subtle, to settle scores? Are they vengeful and vindictive? Are they malicious?

7. Are they PARANOID? Are they overly sensitive? Do they read too much into things?

Are they prone to get upset with people over what they have imagined, when the people may not even be guilty of what they have convinced themselves they are guilty of?

8. Do they have JEALOUSY issues? Do they harbour envy towards others?

Do they have areas of insecurity that makes them pick fights with others and harbour resentment and dislike toward others because of some advantage they perceive they have that they don’t or insist on competing with them as a result? Do they find it difficult to compliment others and be genuinely happy for them? Do they have issues with people who have done them nothing, other than that they are jealous/envious about something about them? Do they exhibit envy and jealousy even toward you at times? For example, if you get a new and better paying job or a promotion with a lovely pay increase are they genuinely happy for you or do you sense that they are not, as they see you in that relationship as competition and not as a team member?

9. What are their views on FINANCES?

Does money mean the world to them? Is it far too important, to the point where it seems that they live for it? Are they a spendthrift, giving no regard to what they do with money, not saving at all for the rainy day and financially reckless or do they, on the other extreme, put all their confidence in money, not the Lord, love it far too much and therefore, find it hard to spend some every now and then just to enjoy life or to be romantic or to splurge on others? Are they selfish, secretive or defensive when it comes to money or are they selfless and giving, seeing money as a means to help others and to do God’s work? Do they think about money too much, want it too much, are discontent with what they have in the present and have a desire to be rich? It is important to remember that the Bible says not to desire to be rich. You can read more about the right perspective people ought to have on money, under the ‘SINGLE Daughters’ page as follows:

Note 201 – ‘Want To Be Rich? Read This’
Note 206 – ‘Money Is Not The Driving Force In My Life’
Note 276 – ‘Are You In Love With Money? People Who Loved Money To Their Detriment In The Bible’

Additionally, under ‘BIBLE-BELIEVING Daughters’:

Note 230 – ‘How Riches Deceive’

10. Is there SOMETHING THEY LOVE TOO MUCH (in your view) or spend too much time on, so that you dread that a relationship with them will mean a lifetime of devotion to this thing?

This could be a talent, a job, making money, politics, a car, a sport, television, social media, an ex, the person’s past, their looks, their wardrobe and physical upkeep, the gym and health and fitness or any other thing that seems to be bordering on idolatry. For, it defines the person and therefore, seems to take the place of Christ or vie for it or even if it does not, you feel like it is too important to the person, to the point where your relationship is negleected or you have to compete with this thing for attention, as it is you, the person and this thing in the relationship.

(Written on 22nd April, 2023)

Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be interesting, informative or beneficial or you want to read on other important factors to consider before deciding on who to court/date and marry, I recommend you read the following:

Note 50 – ‘Taking On His Last Name – Is It Significant?’
Note 16 – ‘Dear Christian, Does God Approve Of Your Relationship?’
Note 42 – ‘Making The Wrong Decision Can Be Costly – When You Don’t Wait On God To Introduce Your Spouse‘
Note 62 – ‘I Being In The Way, The Lord Led Me – A Match Made In Heaven’
Note 63 – ‘Who To Marry?’
Note 67 – ‘Are You Making The Right Choice?’
Note 68 – ‘Wilt Thou Go With This Man?’

Also, on my ‘SINGLE Daughters’ Page:

Note 8 – ‘My Quick Ten Point Checklist – Is He The One?‘
Note 51 – ‘Characteristics Of A Counterfeit‘
Note 18 – ‘You Cannot Change Him’
Note 21 – ‘When He Doesn’t See Your Worth’
Note 53 – ‘God-sent vs Devil-sent – The Difference’
Note 58 – ‘To Tell If He’s The One Put On Your Spiritual Glasses’
Note 69 – ‘Taking On His Last Name – Is It Significant?’
Note 128 – ‘God-sent Or Just God-ly?’
Note 130 – ‘Ladies, How Long Are You Prepared To Wait?’
Note 144 – ‘Before You Say ‘I Do’
Note 145 – ‘Does He Love You Or Lust You?’
Note 147 – ‘How To Tell If He’s Your God-sent And Not Just God-ly’
Note 148 – ‘What Does The Bible Say About Being Unequally Yoked With An Unbeliever’
Note 258 – ‘The Man Of The World vs The Man Of God’
Note 260 – ‘Common Sense Tips For Choosing The Right One’
Note 271 – ‘Not Just Any Man Will Do – My Top Ten (10) Pet Peeves In A Man’
Note 275 – ‘How God Wants Us To Treat With Our Idols’
Note 300 – ‘God’s Traffic System’
Note 322 – ‘Should I Allow Him To Pursue?’
Note 323 – ‘When God Gives You The Green Light’