36. THE FORMULA – HOW TO GET A HUSBAND

(The Called To Be A Wife Series – Batch 2)

There is no magic formula to get a husband.

Yesterday, a single woman who had professed to know Christ and who, like me, desired to be married, sent me a video of a prayer by some other woman (also professing to know Christ), for other single Christian women to say if they desired a husband.

I thanked the person for sending it and promptly deleted it from my phone without opening the video. I had grown tired of seeing people prescribing a special prayer, special words to use and special things to do, to get a husband.

As one single woman to other single women, I would like you to know the truth: There is no magic formula out there and no formulaic prayer that you can use or words that you can say, to make God grant you a husband or to accelerate the time involved in granting you one, if he intends to do so. The same holds true for that woman in a marriage who wants to get pregnant or for any other woman who wishes to have any other dream or desire fulfilled.

It is not about how good you said a particular prayer or how well you adhered to a man-made prescribed structure.

As I said in a previous Article, in my view, when it comes to a single Christian woman (myself included), she is single for one (1) of four (4) reasons:

ONE – God has CALLED HER TO BE SINGLE FOREVER.

In such a case, no husband will be coming no matter what she does (unless God allows her to do her own thing and she foolishly and rebelliously take matters into her own hands, by aligning herself with someone she is not supposed to be with and of whom he does not approve); or

TWO – God plans to give her a spouse but WANTS HER TO WAIT A WHILE UNTIL THE TIME HE HAS APPOINTED, according to His purpose.

In such a case, once she remains within God’s will, there is nothing that she can do to fast-forward things. She may pray fervently, cry, fast in faith but no matter what she does, this will not accelerate God’s hand because he has a set time based on his Kingdom agenda and purpose, for the thing to happen and so it will not happen a moment sooner.

This may be a short wait, a medium length wait or a very long wait, lasting even many years, as was evident with Abraham & Sarah and Elizabeth & Zachariah, two couples that desired to have a child; or

THREE – God desires to give her a spouse but ONLY AFTER SHE AND/OR HER HUSBAND HAVE GROWN TO A CERTAIN LEVEL OF SPIRITUAL MATURITY OR ONLY AFTER SHE AND/OR HER HUSBAND DO CERTAIN THINGS.

In such a case, the couple is not being disobedient per se but the blessing is predicated on how quickly she and/or her husband get to where God wants them to get spiritually or do what God wants them to do. For example, God may plan to give a woman a spouse only after she and/or her husband have persistently prayed effectually and fervently or only after they have taken things to the next level by adding biblical fasting to their prayer.

I know of a Christian couple that was married for twelve years without a child and the husband kept going to God still in faith, asking for the same request: a child. People around them may have given up on the idea of them ever having a child and assumed that they would never have because too many years of infertility and miscarriages had passed but because of strong faith, the husband never gave up. He knew that despite all those years of barrenness and of trying and failing, that, if God intervened, his wife would conceive, carry a baby to full term and give birth. He therefore kept going back, maybe each time more fervently, refusing to stop pleading with God. At one point, he stated that he asked God if he was fed up of him coming to him with the same request all these years.

Needless to say, God, pleased with the years and years of this man’s persistence, opened up his wife’s womb. He gave them not one child, not two, not three, not four but FIVE and in close succession. That lady spent the next seven (7) years just being pregnant and giving birth. Yes, God gave her five pregnancies and five children, in the space of just seven years! God opened up her womb and filled it with children. Barrenness was no more and to the shock of those around them, he showed up and showed off in that couple’s marriage. Praise God!

In that couple’s case, God always knew (because he knows everything and in advance), that he would give that couple children but only after years and years and years of persistent prayer from her husband. Had that husband decided not to pray therefore or to stop praying and give up, he most likely would have never experienced what it was to be a father and of five (5) beautiful children.

As I have often said, some blessings that God has for us are tied to certain actions first being taken on our part. That is, God desires to give it to us but not until we do certain things. He is therefore waiting on us to do those things and to get to that level of spirituality. In such a case, the sooner we do those things, the sooner he will grant us our petition. In such a case, we are not waiting on him. He is waiting on us.

If for example, he has determined that he will grant a request only after we cultivate a habit of spending quality time with him or only after the 100th persistent, heartfelt prayer (because he loves persistence) or when we have added biblical fasting to our prayer, then, once we don’t give up and throw in the towel, the sooner we get to where he wants us to be, the better.

Hannah in the Bible may have prayed before but had she not prayed that one last prayer, desperately, fervently, passionately before the Lord, driven by the provocation of Penninah who was enjoying her pain far too much, she may have never gotten pregnant and never had Samuel. That particular prayer was her turning point, as after she had Samuel, God gave her more children. When God opens a womb, he opens it! When God decides to grant a request or to change our season, he changes it!

FOUR – God desires to give her a spouse but that woman is either LIVING IN DISOBEDIENCE AND REBELLION by not submitting to God’s Word or she has LIVED IN DISOBEDIENCE AND REBELLION to his will for too long, too much time has passed and so she is now reaping the consequences of what she sowed.

This rebellion (which is disobedience) can take many forms. It is basically habitually doing anything that God states is sin, for example, refusing to stop gossiping, playing around with the wrong men, a woman going against God’s order by taking up leadership positions in the Church and teaching men, when God said that she is not to do so or supporting those who do so.

It also includes not operating with integrity at the workplace, being malicious with words about others, not spending time in the Word of God, refusing to forgive and holding on to bitterness, hating on people and being filled with envy against others.

It includes creating mischief and disunity among Church members and in families, sowing discord, meddling in other people’s business, loving drama, speaking evil of others with one’s tongue, not doing God’s work but serving self and glorifying self, holding on to some thing or person that we have elevated to the point of an idol in our hearts, refusing to grow as a Christian due to worldliness, pettiness and carnal thinking, being disrespectful to authority at the governmental level, at the workplace, in the home, at Church and refusing to repent through brokenness, for sins.

Disobedience leads to one of three (3) outcomes.

OUTCOME 1 – HUSBAND NEVER TO BE GRANTED DUE TO A SINFUL OR DISOBEDIENT ACT OR ACTS, IRRESPECTIVE OF WHETHER SHE REPENTS OR NOT

Whether or not the person eventually repents, God may have decided that the door to whatever she desired would be permanently closed due to a particular sin or sins she committed. That is, God may decide not to give her a husband ever because he knew how she would disobey him and never planned to give her a husband in light of that foreknowledge.

This is his prerogative to do as he has said in his Word that he will have mercy on whom he will have mercy. This means conversely therefore, that he can decide not to have mercy on a person in relation to a particular request, if he so decides because of an act or acts of disobedience committed by that person against him.

In Jeremiah 5:23-25, God stated through his Prophet of his people who were rebellious and disobedient:

  • “But this people hath a revolting and a rebellious heart; they are revolted and gone. Neither say they in their heart, Let us now fear the Lord our God, that giveth rain, both the former and the latter in his season: he reserveth unto us the appointed weeks of the harvest. Your iniquities have turned away these things, and your sins have withholden good things from you.

In earlier verses, God explained why his people would experience trouble and not peace and it boiled down again to their rebellion. In chapter 4:17-18, in speaking of the enemies that would surround his people due to their disobedience, he stated through his Prophet:

  • “As keepers of a field are they against her round about; because she hath been rebellious against me, saith the Lord. Thy way and thy doings have procured these things unto thee; this is thy wickedness, because it is bitter, because it reacheth unto thine heart.”

In Isaiah 59:1-13, God stated of his people through another of his Prophets:

  • “Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear: But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear. For your hands are defiled with blood, and your fingers with iniquity; your lips have spoken lies, your tongue hath muttered perverseness. None calleth for justice, nor any pleadeth for truth: they trust in vanity, and speak lies; they conceive mischief, and bring forth iniquity. They hatch cockatrice’ eggs, and weave the spider’s web: he that eateth of their eggs dieth, and that which is crushed breaketh out into a viper. Their webs shall not become garments, neither shall they cover themselves with their works: their works are works of iniquity, and the act of violence is in their hands.
  • Their feet run to evil, and they make haste to shed innocent blood: their thoughts are thoughts of iniquity; wasting and destruction are in their paths. The way of peace they know not; and there is no judgment in their goings: they have made them crooked paths: whosoever goeth therein shall not know peace. 
  • Therefore is judgment far from us, neither doth justice overtake us: we wait for light, but behold obscurity; for brightness, but we walk in darkness. We grope for the wall like the blind, and we grope as if we had no eyes: we stumble at noon day as in the night; we are in desolate places as dead men. We roar all like bears, and mourn sore like doves: we look for judgment, but there is none; for salvation, but it is far off from us. For our transgressions are multiplied before thee, and our sins testify against us: for our transgressions are with us; and as for our iniquities, we know them; In transgressing and lying against the Lord, and departing away from our God, speaking oppression and revolt, conceiving and uttering from the heart words of falsehood.

OUTCOME 2 – HUSBAND TO STILL BE GRANTED AFTER REPENTANCE BUT IN GOD’S TIMING

If done on time, a Christian woman who falls into the dangerous category of rebellion and disobedience but genuinely repents before God for her sins, may end up (if God decides in his mercy to do it), moving from the disobedient category into the second category, where God plans to give her a husband but in His timing.

I say ‘may’ because it is entirely up to God’s discretion. A person could repent and end up under outcome 1 if God decides to shut the door. It is not good to sin presumptuously therefore and think that the door to God blessing us in a particular way, will be open when we are ready to repent.

Where God decides in his mercy to still grant the request, in such a case, the woman’s disobedience delayed the blessing but God did not rule it out altogether. In his mercy, when like the Prodigal son she finally came to her senses and repented, he still granted it.

OUTCOME 3 – HUSBAND NEVER TO BE GRANTED DUE TO CONTINUED DISOBEDIENCE AND THEREFORE NO REPENTANCE OR BECAUSE SHE TOOK TOO LONG TO REPENT

Some professing Christian women never see the light, ironically, as they never get to the place where they genuinely repent for their wicked way and disobedience against God’s Word. They continue on with the unforgiveness, the malice, the gossip, the lying, the carnal mindset, the neglect of spiritual matters, the drama or whatever area the disobedience is in and then wonder why God never granted them a husband. They have refused to grow spiritually, refused to change. They are responsible for their outcome because they chose stubbornly, to keep holding on to their sinful way.

As stated before though, although some women eventually repent which is good, they wasted too much time in sin and being rebellious, so much so that the door to that particular blessing already closed. For such people, unfortunately, God has decided that their season for this particular blessing has passed. Had they aligned themselves with his will through obedience quicker, they may have been granted their heart’s desire. Simply put: They took too long to repent.

In summary, disobedience therefore leads to one of three (3) outcomes:

  1. When the person disobeyed God by committing a particular sin or sins, he permanently closed the door to a husband, even if the person subsequently repents;
  2. God leaves the door open in mercy until the person repents of the disobedience and then grants her a husband, always knowing that she would repent and when and making provision for that time;
  3. God desired to give her a husband but she never repented of her disobedience, even continuing on in her folly or she repented but chose the path of disobedience for too long, so that the time for that blessing has passed and the door has been closed.

Single women often worry because they are terrified that they may be in the first category (where God has willed them to be single forever) or even in the second category (where they find that God is taking too long and are afraid that he may have them wait until they are old and grey to get married).

Very few consider that the fourth category of disobedience is applicable to them as this would mean that they must admit that they are responsible for God withholding the blessing. Yet, in most cases, (although not all) this is exactly where single women fall.

I can say even in my own situation (I am still single), it is because of my own disobedience and rebellion against God. I have since repented of my wicked ways and am trusting God to bring healing in some areas where I still need healing but I am hoping in his mercy, that one day, in his timing, he will still grant me a spouse. I hope that I did not take too long to repent and am of the view that God still intends to grant my petition, based on promises I believe he planted in my heart, as I read his Word. This means that I will be a late bride but given that I am undeserving, I am grateful for whatever God provides in his mercy. He is able to make every thing beautiful in HIS time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

God does not always tell his daughters in which category they fall (unless it is the fourth, in which case, they know that they are living in waywardness, disobedience and rebellion) and not knowing where they stand and if they will ever be married can be unnerving. Yet, a single Christian woman needs to do two things: She needs to trust God’s plan for her life no matter what that may be and secondly, she needs to focus on the fourth category, to ensure, through introspection, that she is not living in disobedience and rebellion, which yields only curses.

I personally have gotten fed up of hearing people giving single women who profess to know Christ, a list of things that they must do to get God to bring them a husband or a special prayer they need to say. None of that nonsense works, so you can throw it out the window.

There is no prescription to take to get a husband for what you may consider to be your ‘ailment’ of singleness. What you ought to do is ensure that (1) you are in relationship with God through genuine faith in Jesus (as some women who think that they are Christians are not), (2) that you are submitting to the Lordship of Jesus in your life daily and (3) that you are using your gift/s to edify the saints and obeying the Lord’s commission to reach others for his sake with the gospel.

What am I saying?

Well, if you are a single Christian woman who wants to be married, I know the feeling. I am single too and desire a spouse but the truth is there is nothing that we can do to manipulate God or change his agenda for our lives. He rewards faith yes but there is no magical or set approach that you can take, that will force his hand in your favour. He cannot be cajoled and he cannot be co-erced.

What should the single woman do then? Well, my advice to you if you are single, have professed to know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour, see the years rolling on and nothing changing for your situation but you desire to be married is this:

1. EXAMINE YOURSELF WHETHER YOU ARE IN THE FAITH 

2 Corinthians 13:5 advises: “Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?”

The question you must ask yourself therefore is: Are you truly a Christian or do you just use the name and show up for service? What do you really believe? Does the Lord Jesus Christ truly have control of your life or are you still in control of it and doing as you please? He is Lord over your life if you believe on him in your heart and having confessed his Lordship with your mouth, you live a life in surrender to his will, not your own.

If you are not sure if you are a genuine Christian, I implore you to go to my SINGLE Daughters of God Page and read a few of the ‘Abundant Life Series’ Articles there, which run from Nos. 76-100 and 226-250. To find an Article easily, simply type ‘TABLE OF CONTENTS (SINGLE Daughters)’ in the search bar and then search for any Article under the ‘Abundant Life Series’ in the list provided.

Knowing where you stand with God and if you are really a part of the body of Christ or have deceived yourself into thinking you are is a major issue, more important than getting a husband, so you should make sure you know, before you move on. Ask God to reveal the truth of this matter to you because you want to make your calling and election sure. 2 Peter 1:10 states: “Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure.”

Romans 8:16 states of those who are genuinely saved: “The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ.”

Those that are genuinely saved and belong to Jesus therefore receive this confirmation from the Spirit of God which dwells within them, that God’s Spirit is within them and they are a part of his family. A person who does not have the Spirit of Christ within him or her, gets no such assurance, for God’s Spirit is absent from their lives and therefore, will not minister to them.

Romans 8:9-11 makes it clear that: “…ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.”

2. ASK YOURSELF THE QUESTION – AM I BEING OR HAVE I BEEN DISOBEDIENT OR REBELLIOUS? 

If you have taken a careful look at your heart, what you believe and having thoroughly examined yourself, you are settled in your spirit that you are regenerated and are in fact, a bona-fide child of God according to the scriptures, then check your life for whether there are any areas (large or small) of disobedience and rebellion to God’s Word.

If you are a genuine Christian and therefore have the Spirit of Christ within you, if you have been living in disobedience and rebellion, the Holy Spirit would have been convicting you of these things and maybe you were ignoring such conviction. In such case, you would have had no peace within your soul for as long as you continued on in your own wayward way.

Anything that goes against the Word of God is disobedience, even if you consider it to not be a big deal. Usurping the authority of men for example and taking up leadership positions in the Church as a woman or supporting this practice, when God’s Word clearly says this is a no-no, is disobedience and therefore sin. Having a heart full of malice, envy, non-forgiveness, bitterness and a love for drama, conflict and contention are sins identified in the Word of God, from which any person indulging in them needs to repent. These sins are often manifested in the form of other sins, like gossiping, news bearing and badmouthing others.

As you search your heart and study God’s Word the Bible, ask God to reveal anything in your life where you may have deceived yourself into thinking that it was okay, when in fact it was or is sin.

3. BRING FORTH FRUIT MEET FOR REPENTANCE 

If you have scrutinized your life and have found areas of disobedience and rebellion (and this is likely), then you need to humbly yourself and get to the place of godly sorrow because you need to repent of those things you did or did not do and resolve to turn away from those ways or actions. You must let go of your stubborn resistance to God’s Word, submit and return to Him.

Jeremiah 6:16 reads: “Thus saith the Lord, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls.

Hosea 10:12 reads: “…break up your fallow ground: for it is time to seek the LORD, till he come and rain righteousness upon you.”

If your heart has been so hardened by sin for so long, that you are finding it hard to be sorrowful over your wrong, then ask God to break you. It is necessary that you be broken over your sin or else you can’t move forward.

You need to see what you did and the ugliness of it, as God sees it, without making excuses for yourself. We tend to like to make excuses for ourselves when we do wrong because we don’t want to face up to the fact that our hearts are deceitful above all else and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9 KJV).

Repentance begins with us acknowledging how wicked we are, how much we messed up and that we need Jesus to change our hearts. I am not referring here to repentance unto salvation but repentance in the life of a believer, a person who is already saved but who has still allowed her flesh and will to do as they pleased, in disobedience to God’s Word.

As a Christian, you can have a prayer life but if you do not have a repentant life where you are genuinely sorry and broken for your sin because it displeased God and you don’t confess exactly what you did to him, asking him to forgive and cleanse you, your efforts at moving forward will be counterproductive.

1 John 1:8-10 makes it clear to us as Christians:

  • “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

Once you have acknowledged your sin as a Christian, go to God and pray to him in repentance. Confess exactly what you have been doing wrong and where you have been rebellious, wayward and disobedient. Hosea 14:2 states: “Take with you words, and turn to the Lord: say unto him, Take away all iniquity, and receive us graciously: so will we render the calves of our lips.”

4. PRAY WITH YOUR OWN WORDS FROM YOUR HEART FOR A SPOUSE

Once you have genuinely repented and sought God’s forgiveness in prayer for the sins you know you committed and have resolved to turn away from them forever, your fellowship with the Lord has now been restored. If you feel led by his Spirit therefore, you can now freely pray to God, asking him, (not with contrived words or words that somebody said you should say) but from your heart, to please provide you with a spouse.

Don’t just think selfishly as to how having a spouse would benefit you but do like Hannah. Think of how you having a spouse will benefit God’s Kingdom and contribute to his agenda and tell him so.

5. ADOPT A POSTURE OF HUMILITY AND HOPE IN HIS MERCY 

As you pray (which can be ongoing as God invites us to pray without ceasing), you cannot come irreverently and demand of God, as God does not have to grant you anything. If you truly repented of your sin, you would not be approaching God with your request in pride or a sense of entitlement. You would know that he does not have to grant you anything because you are deserving of nothing.

Humble yourself in his sight therefore and hope in his mercy. You are not entitled to a husband, especially when you consider how much wrong you have done to people and against God so far. If he decides to give you one (and the ball is in his court), it is according to his grace and mercy.

I repeat: You don’t deserve a husband. You and I deserve death and hell fire for our sins. Hope therefore in God’s mercy and do not make the prideful mistake of thinking that you are too good to remain single and that you do not deserve a life of singleness (as one single woman told me) and that you have too much to offer and that somehow it is an injustice that you have not yet been given a family by God.

You have gotten better than you deserve because God in his mercy, has kept you alive and given you a chance to repent for your wicked ways. Don’t you dare pretend that you don’t have wicked ways. Every human being, even the most pious or seemingly angelic, has wicked ways that God wants him or her to get rid off.

Psalms 147:11 states: “The Lord taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy.” 

If you approach him with the right attitude therefore, who can tell? He may decide to have mercy on you and to grant you a grace gift in the form of a spouse. Whatever his answer, whatever the outcome, resolve to give him thanks.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 states: “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

Philippians 4:4-7 reads:

  • “Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Hebrews 13:15 also states: “By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to his name.”

6. WAIT ON HIS TIMING AND SUBMIT TO HIS WILL 

If you sense in your spirit that God plans to give you a husband (as I have felt for years), then you can’t rush him. Continue praying but wait with a good attitude, trusting his timing, even if you had hoped it would be earlier.

If as you pray however, you sense that it is not his will for you to have a husband or that you rebelled in disobedience for too long and therefore, God has decided that your time has passed to be blessed with a husband, then, as difficult as it maybe, submit to his will. Accept responsibility for your situation (you are the one that caused your mess) and ask him for strength to cope with your singleness.

7. ATTEND SELFLESSLY TO HIS BUSINESS 

God not giving you a husband or waiting to grant it, even as you get older is not reason to sit around wasting time on social media and in life in general.

If you are saved, God saved you to become more like Jesus, to minister unto other Christians and to spread the gospel of faith in Jesus Christ. Have you been doing this or just sitting around like a couch potato, wallowing in self-pity and waiting on Prince Charming?

Maybe you have been immersed in secular work and secular matters and consider yourself to be busy but how much have you really been doing for the Lord? When was the last time you told someone the gospel? Have you led anyone to Christ since you came to Him? How do you expect God to pour out of his storehouse to you, if you have not been pouring anything worthwhile into his Kingdom?

His word is clear. Seek ye FIRST the Kingdom of God and all other things will be added unto you (Matthew 6:33). It is God that does the adding and he will decide what to add to your life and when, as you focus on his business, not your own.

(Written on 30th June, 2020, added to thereafter)

Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be interesting, informative or edifying, I recommend that you also read the following:

  • Note 34 – ‘Seven (7) Practical Things You Can Do While Waiting On Your Prince Charming’
  • Note 37 – ‘What Does It Mean To Wait With A Good Attitude?’

Additional Articles under the ‘SINGLE Daughters’ Page:

  • Note 52 Bringing God Glory On The Road From Being Gloriously Single To Gloriously Married’
  • Note 56 – ‘Rebekah, Zipporah and Ruth – How They Got Found’
  • Note 59 – ‘Nine (9) Tips For The Single Woman Hoping To Be Married’
  • Note 64 – ‘Seven (7) Reasons Why You May Still Be Single’
  • Note 72 – ‘Qualities That Got Women Noticed And Eventually Married To Good Men In The Bible’
  • Note 136 – ‘How I Used My Single Years To Pray, Preach, Plan and Prepare’
  • Note 137 – ‘Serve God Wherever And In Whatever You Are Called’
  • Note 263 – ‘Seven (7) Ways To Do Single With A Good Attitude While Hoping To Be Married’

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