7. DEAR WIFE, ARE YOU ADVISING HIM RIGHT?

If you are a wife or plan to be one day, you should know that as a wife, one of your main roles is to counsel your husband and to give him advice.

The question is therefore, will you give him wise counsel or foolish? Rarely will you be able to give wise or good counsel or to influence him to make decisions that please God, if you yourself are not wise. To be wise, you must have the fear of the Lord in your heart. For, the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10). Being a wife is such a powerful role to be in, that you can influence your husband down the wrong path or along the path of righteousness. You can influence him to do good and those things that please God or to do evil.

That a wife’s role involves influencing her husband’s decisions and actions through her advice and conduct is clear in the Word. There are several examples of women who gave advice to their husbands, some good and some bad.

Let us look at some of them.

EVE– Influenced Adam to do evil

Eve influenced her husband to do evil, as she had done. She disobeyed God’s command by eating the forbidden fruit and then influenced her husband to do the same, placing both of them into the same fallen boat, so to speak. She therefore used her influence over her husband, whether it was through womanly wiles or otherwise, to get him to choose pleasing her over God. She therefore contributed to him turning away from God.

Genesis 3:6 states of Eve:

• “And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, AND GAVE ALSO UNTO HER HUSBAND WITH HER; and he did eat.”

SARAH – Gave Abraham bad advice and also good advice

Sarah gave Abraham bad advice, although she was a godly woman, causing him to give in to her will, marry Hagar her maid and have a child by her.

Genesis 16:1-4 states:

• “Now Sarai Abram’s wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. AND ABRAM HEARKENED TO THE VOICE OF SARAI. And Sarai Abram’s wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.”

When a problem emerged as a result of this bad decision later, Sarah advised Abraham to send his son and Hagar away. Abraham was reluctant at first due to his bond with his son but God told him to listen to his wife and so he did.

Genesis 21:1-2 and 9-12 states:

• “And the Lord visited Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did unto Sarah as he had spoken. For Sarah conceived, and bare Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him…And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, which she had born unto Abraham, mocking. Wherefore SHE SAID UNTO ABRAHAM, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac. And the thing was very grievous in Abraham’s sight because of his son. And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called.”

JEZEBEL – Influenced Ahab to do evil

Jezebel, Ahab’s wife, influenced him to do more and more evil. He was already evil but she made him become even more evil, causing him to embrace idol worship, to blind his eyes to what was right and just and to allow her to wrongly assert control over the people he ruled, when she ought not to have been given such power.

In 1 Kings 16:31, it states of Ahab:

• “And it came to pass, as if it had been a light thing for him to walk in the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, that HE TOOK TO WIFE JEZEBEL THE DAUGHTER OF ETHBAAL KING OF THE ZIDONIANS, AND WENT AND SERVED BAAL, AND WORSHIPPED HIM.”

This scripture therefore suggests that it was only after marrying Jezebel, a heathen and non-Israelite woman, who seemingly came from a culture of idol worship, that Ahab went and served and worshipped the idol Baal.

1 Kings 21:25 states further of Ahab, “But there was none like unto Ahab, which did sell himself to work wickedness in the sight of the Lord, WHOM JEZEBEL HIS WIFE STIRRED UP.”

THE DAUGHTER OF AHAB – Influenced Jehoram to do evil

The daughter of Ahab apparently influenced her husband, the son of Jehoshaphat, to do wrong. Ahab had been the king of Israel and Jehoshaphat, the king of Judah. Ahab was evil and Jehoshaphat godly. However, they had some kind of a league in place during their lifetime. When they died, Ahab’s son Joram reigned over Israel and Jehoshaphat’s son Jehoram, reigned over Judah.

One would have thought that Jehoram, having had such a godly father, would have done what was right in God’s sight. However, while he may have been inclined in this direction (but the Bible does not say), the Word of God tells us that his wife was instrumental in him choosing to do evil. It reads of him in 2 Kings 8:18, “And he walked in the way of the kings of Israel, as did the house of Ahab: FOR THE DAUGHTER OF AHAB WAS HIS WIFE: and he did evil in the sight of the Lord.”

The word “For” therefore implies that the daughter of Ahab, steeped in the wicked practices from which she came, influenced and advised and therefore encouraged Jehoram to do evil.

SOLOMON’S UNGODLY WIVES – Influenced Solomon to do evil

Yes men have a responsibility to do what is right even if they are counselled by their wives to do evil but many times, women being men’s achille heel or weak point, many men, even godly ones, give in. This was the case with Solomon, who married many ungodly women and then, in his old age, allowed them, for the sake of what he called love, to influence him in a direction away from God.

1 Kings 11:1-10 states:

• “But king Solomon loved many strange women, together with the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Zidonians, and Hittites: Of the nations concerning which the Lord said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall not go in to them, neither shall they come in unto you: for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods: SOLOMON CLAVE UNTO THESE IN LOVE.

• And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and HIS WIVES TURNED AWAY HIS HEART. For it came to pass, when Solomon was old, that HIS WIVES TURNED AWAY HIS HEART AFTER OTHER GODS: and his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father. For Solomon went after Ashtoreth the goddess of the Zidonians, and after Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites. And Solomon did evil in the sight of the Lord, and went not fully after the Lord, as did David his father. Then did Solomon build an high place for Chemosh, the abomination of Moab, in the hill that is before Jerusalem, and for Molech, the abomination of the children of Ammon. AND LIKEWISE DID HE FOR ALL HIS STRANGE WIVES, WHICH BURNT INCENSE AND SACRIFICED UNTO THEIR GODS. And the Lord was angry with Solomon, because his heart was turned from the Lord God of Israel, which had appeared unto him twice, And had commanded him concerning this thing, that he should not go after other gods: but he kept not that which the Lord commanded.”

JOB’S WIFE – Gave bad advice and sought to influence Job to do evil

Thankfully, Job maintained his righteousness although counselled by his wife to do wickedly. When down and out and suffering immensely, after having lost all his children, wealth and health, she advised him to curse God and die and received a stern rebuke from Job as a result. In short, he put her in her place, as was right, not allowing his vulnerability or her persuasiveness, to make him do what would displease God.

Job 2:7-10 states:

• “So went Satan forth from the presence of the Lord, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown. And he took him a potsherd to scrape himself withal; and he sat down among the ashes. THEN SAID HIS WIFE UNTO HIM, DOES THOU STILL RETAIN THINE INTEGRITY? CURSE GOD, AND DIE. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.”

THE SHUNAMMITE WOMAN – Gave her husband good advice and influenced him to do good

The shunammite woman was a godly woman who had discernment and she counselled her husband aright. She told him that she perceived that Elisha was a man of God and advised that they should expand their home to accommodate him whenever he passed. She did not seem to receive opposition from her husband, whose heart seemed to safely trust in her wisdom. They built the addition and whenever Elisha passed on his journey, he turned in and rested there.

2 Kings 4:8-11 states:

• “And it fell on a day, that Elisha passed to Shunem, where was a great woman; and she constrained him to eat bread. And so it was, that as oft as he passed by, he turned in thither to eat bread. AND SHE SAID UNTO HER HUSBAND, Behold now, I perceive that this is an holy man of God, which passeth by us continually. LET US MAKE A LITTLE CHAMBER, I pray thee, on the wall; AND LET US SET FOR HIM THERE A BED, AND A TABLE, AND A STOOL, AND A CANDLESTICK: and it shall be, when he cometh to us, that he shall turn in thither. And it fell on a day, that he came thither, and he turned into the chamber, and lay there.”

Later on, we see how God allowed her to be rewarded time and time again, for her kindness to his servant. He removed her barrenness and caused her to bear a son and when that son died, through his power, Elisha raised him back from the dead again. When there was a famine, she received early warning, Elisha advising her to leave and to sojourn elsewhere, as the famine would last for seven years. Then, when she returned and went to the king to beg for the return of her house and land, God’s favour met her there, causing both her house and land to be forthwith returned to her.

PILATE’S WIFE – Gave her husband good advice and sought to influence him to do good

Pilate’s wife also gave her husband counsel, sending to tell him to not be involved in any way, in any adverse decision in relation to Jesus, who she termed, “that just man”. Whether she was a godly woman or not, I do not know but her advice was good advice. However, Pilate did not hearken to her. He allowed the pressure of what the people wanted, to overshadow his wife’s wishes and so he did what they wanted.

Matthew 27: 18-20 states:

• “Therefore when they were gathered together, Pilate said unto them, Whom will ye that I release unto you? Barabbas, or Jesus which is called Christ? For he knew that for envy they had delivered him. When he was set down on the judgment seat, HIS WIFE SENT UNTO HIM SAYING, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. But the chief priests and elders persuaded the multitude that they should ask Barabbas, and destroy Jesus.”

ABIGAIL – Gave good advice and influenced David to do good

Abigail seemed clearly, a woman whose foolish husband Nabal did not listen to, although she gave good advice. She was described in the Bible as “a woman of good understanding”, meaning wise but him “churlish and evil in his doings” (1 Samuel 25:3). In fact, one of his own servants described him as “such a son of Belial, that a man cannot speak to him” (1 Samuel 25:17).

To abort the massacre that David intended against her household due to her husband’s foolish actions, Abigail went to David and used her wisdom to rightly advise him, so as to prevent such a disaster. Notably, she was not married to David when she gave this wise counsel but David so appreciated it and the fact that she was clearly a wise and godly woman, that later, when he heard that her husband had died, he sent proposition to her, to ask her to be his wife. As a godly man himself and as all godly men should, he understood the value of having a godly woman around him, who would counsel him to do what was right and influence him to draw closer to God. Abigail’s wisdom was found to be quite an attractive trait and due to her ability to give good counsel, David saw her as wife material.

ESTHER – Influenced king Ahasuerus to do good

As the wife of king Ahasuerus (I assume that as Queen, she was his wife), Esther used her position and influence on the king, in whose sight she found great favour, to save her people the Jews. Knowing that the king favoured her as his wife, she used this influence that she had over him, not selfishly but for good.

Haman, a man who had been elevated to high office and was close to the king, had wickedly planned to have Esther’s uncle who had raised her, killed, along with all of the Jews. However, although Ahasuerus was a heathen king and did not therefore know the true and living God, Esther sought an audience with him and skilfully used timing and words, to reveal that she was a Jew and to ask for the life of her people. Based on what she asked, the king had Haman killed on the gallows that he had wickedly prepared for Mordecai, Esther’s Uncle and the decree which had gone out to destroy her people was reversed.

LESSONS FOR YOU AS A WOMAN

Certain lessons can be gleaned from the accounts given in the Bible, of the women we have discussed above. These are as follows:

1. If you want to one day be a wife or are already a wife, know that one of your roles as wife, will be to advise your husband and to be a positive influence in his life.

Being able to give wise counsel is a key trait that a godly man seeking the Lord for a wife, is expected to be looking for. Being good looking, having a nice body and being able to cook or take care of the home alone are not sufficient. In fact, Proverbs 19:14 says quite clearly, “House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the Lord”. It therefore makes sense to invest in the acquisition of wisdom, if you desire to be a wife or are already married.

2. The advice you give could determine whether you and your family will be successful in life or a failure.

If you counsel your husband poorly and influence him to make wrong choices, you can expect nothing but disaster to await you and your household. On the other hand, through the quality of the advice you provide and the positive, godly influence you have on your husband, you can help him and your household avert destruction and remain within the favour of God. Proverbs 14:1 states, “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.”

No wonder that Proverbs 30:23 laments at a situation where an odious or repulsive woman gets married. For, she will now be in a position to serve as advisor to her husband and will have influence over him! One could only imagine what this will mean for him, for their household and for all the people that he is to interact with on a daily basis. One can only imagine the storms that she will stir up and the rifts that she will influence him or try to influence him to cause in his relations with people.

Proverbs 9:13 states, “A foolish woman is clamorous: she is simple, and knoweth nothing.” Proverbs 30:23 further states, “For three things the earth is disquieted, and for four which it cannot bear: For a servant when he reigneth; and a fool when he is filled with meat; For an odious woman when she is married.”

3. How you influence your husband and the quality of the advice you give, could affect others, even for generations to come.

Esther’s influence over her husband, caused the Jews to not be massacred. Sarah’s influence over her husband however, caused Ishmael to be born, which has resulted in much trouble to the nations for centuries, to date, him being the father of the Arabic people, many of whom are known for a religious ideology that endorses murder and terrorism.

4. If you are a Christian, you are expected by God to give your husband good and wise counsel that will draw him closer to God, not away from him.

If you fail in this regard, then you will be accountable to God. He will also be accountable for giving in to your foolish advice and bad influence but you will not escape God’s judgment for what you have done.

5. To ensure that you give good counsel and reduce the chances of you giving bad advice or being a bad influence, you must first know the Lord as your personal indwelling Saviour, you must have a genuine fear for him, as this is the beginning of wisdom, you must spend quality time meditating upon his Word where wisdom can be found and you must be prayerful.

You can pray to God for wisdom wherever you may lack it, so that you can in turn influence your husband to do right and not wrong. You need to pray as well, so as to guard against the tendency to give your husband advice or to influence him in such a manner that does not redound to God’s glory but pleases yourself.

Sarah was a godly woman but instead of advising Abraham to wait on God to work out his plan in his life, through desperation and faithfulness at the time, she influenced him to do what she selfishly wanted, so that she could have a child in the household.

Your being a godly woman does not therefore insulate you from giving bad advice at times, in your own self-interest or being a bad influence on your husband, due to your pride. To guard against the tendency to do as your flesh pleases, although you are a godly woman, you must pray against it and continue to feed on God’s Word, so that you are constantly reminded of his way, versus your will and kept humble.

Sadly, some women who claim to be godly, influence their spouses to turn against certain of his family members with whom he had been close all of his life, that is, until he got married and not because the family members have done anything but simply because the wife does not like the particular family members for whatever reason or thinks, due to the enemy planting lying thoughts in her mind, that they don’t like her. She then misuses her influence to cause her husband to turn against those dear family members and without a proper cause, due to her own insecurities, her over-analyzing stuff and imputing evil motives where there are none and other issues.

Some women who claim to be godly and have had past issues and conflict with another woman, even a sister in the Lord (and for which they cannot honestly say that they were one hundred percent blameless in the debacle), then get married and instead of encouraging their husbands to exercise grace to that sister, rile up their husbands against that woman. Such is the mischief that they provoke and the hornet’s nest that they stir, that he begins to give the woman a cold shoulder, even if attending the same Church or worse yet, tries out of love for his wife, to settle past scores, by doing or saying things to that woman, in the hope that it will hurt her.

Sometimes, that woman has long repented of her involvement in the issue and forgiven because she is growing in God’s knowledge and grace but the wife has not, still holding on for dear life, to nonsense and influencing her husband down that path of wrongdoing as well, due to her own bitterness, resentment, envy, desire to be malicious and unforgiveness.

Some women who claim to be godly yet practise respecter of persons, think lowly of others in the Church or of some people in general and sadly, cause their husbands to think the same way of these people. He is friendly with those that his wife endorses and frowns on those that she looks down at. This ought not to be.

Furthermore, some women also wrongfully use their position to get their husbands, who are in leadership positions in the Church, to do what they want them to do, so that they, the women, are really the de facto leaders, controlling everything behind the scenes. This is wrong and reeks of a Jezebel mentality. Under no circumstances, should a woman be leading or controlling God’s Church. She can give occasional suggestions and advice to her husband yes but she ought not to be abusing her role, by exerting influence in such a manner, so as to get her way and what she wants, in the Church. He should be left to make his own decisions.

6. Even if you are a godly woman and give good advice, it does not mean that your husband will always listen.

Even if he claims to be a Christian and is genuinely so, there are times when your good counsel may fall on deaf ears. In such situations, you have done your part but you can still go to the Lord in prayer over the situation. Where your husband has erred in his decision, you can ask the Lord that he will see the error of his ways and repent for what he has done.

Him not listening to you or doing what you advised though is not a reason to usurp his authority or to be nonsubmissive, rude, disrespectful and rebellious, so watch your own reaction and keep yourself in check.

If you are in an unequally yoked relationship because you married your husband before you came to Christ, still give him good and wise counsel, although you can expect that he may regularly scoff at same, him not having been regenerated.

Yet, who knows what your influence over time may produce? How you conduct yourself and how you treat him, although he does not serve the Lord you serve are still being noted by him and there is a possibility, that God could grace him with salvation, causing him to see and believe the truth, as a result of your good, wise and loving conduct. 1 Peter 3:1 states,“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives”.

(Written on 04th March, 2024)