(The Single Woman Series)
There are many tests out there as to whether someone you may be interested in is the one God wants for you. There are also many factors to look for when asking yourself whether he’s THE ONE. However, based on my own life lessons and what I have observed from the experiences of others, below is my quick and highly practical TEN (10) POINT guide which a Christian woman can consider using when wondering if the person she likes or has an interest in, could potentially be THE ONE (in my humble opinion at least).
There is a much more detailed list for when you’re in a relationship and thinking of marrying the guy but for now, this quickie list can help you to know whether this could be THE ONE (as in sent from God) from very early on. This will save you a lot of heartache, stress, time wastage (you cannot afford to waste time on the wrong one), disappointment and embarrassment.
If he is God-sent then:
1. You will not find yourself feeling the need to exert plenty effort trying to get him to see and be convinced of your inner beauty, strength, value and virtue.
You know your worth but why can’t he seem to see it? If you find yourself doing your best and exerting precious energy to prove you are good enough and are baffled that he still does not seem to recognize, appreciate or cherish your invaluable worth and potential, then, news flash: He’s not the one!
God may have caused him not to see your tremendous inner worth, awesome character and value, not because he is a horrible person necessarily but because that kind of intimacy is reserved for the one he wants for you.
In the Bible, Ruth’s value was not seen or appreciated by the man who was to marry her according to the Jewish custom back then because he was not the one that God had ordained for her to marry. He was preoccupied with his future and erroneously thought that Ruth’s background as a Moabite and her sad history, would somehow mar his inheritance.
Little did he know that it was through this woman that he considered a liability to his own self-interests and future, that God had chosen to use to bring forth a series of kings in later generations and in fact the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He did not see her awesome value but Boaz, a man more noble than he, saw it. He therefore embraced the opportunity and made Ruth his wife. (Ruth 3:12-13; 4:1-13).
Yes, just in case you’re wondering, God DOES have a sense of humour and he likes to have the last laugh.
2. He will pursue you.
Plain and simple, you will not have to pursue that man. Taking his cues from God, he will pursue you like the lady you are (even if you initiated the first meeting).
It is never God’s intention for his daughters to be chasing after any man. He will bring the one he wants for you at your feet. Remember, you’re in the privileged position of being the daughter of the King, not a desperate, pathetic woman looking for handouts. You will therefore find that your dignity is intact and he is the one exerting the effort to prove himself and his worth to you.
Plain and simple, I subscribe to the old school and I believe that it is endorsed by the scriptures: Men were made to be hunters and women to be hunted. Any other equation usually (although not always) ends up in problems. As it states in Proverbs 18:22: “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.” That means that as women, we don’t need to chase. We know our value and we know our worth. He needs to find!
3. He will be more attracted to you spiritually than physically.
As attracted as he may be to you physically (and this is important), he will be more attracted to your mind, your soul and your character, than to your physical package. If he seems more preoccupied with your looks and physique than to your character and who you are as a person, that ain’t never a good sign.
The Bible says in 1 Samuel 16:7: “…for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance but the Lord looketh on the heart.” You want a man that sees things the way God sees it because God is wise and you want a man with godly character.
In Proverbs 31:30 it also states that, “Favour is deceitful and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.” That is what you want him to be most captivated by: Not how you look or how shapely you are but how much you fear God and display godly character.
In the Bible, although Boaz noticed Ruth while she was working in his field (perhaps because of her beauty), he was most impressed by her character, not her looks. He told her in verse 11 of chapter 2 of the book of Ruth, that he had fully heard how she had sacrificed comfort to go with her mother-in-law to a land she had never been to before. He was impressed most with her selflessness, courage and strength of character and in verse 11 of chapter 3, he calls her a virtuous woman and tells her that all of the city knew of her character.
The God-sent man, like Boaz, will also be interested in knowing your past story, struggle and hardship and appreciate (not judge) how your difficulties contributed in shaping your strength of character today. He will also value and place more importance on who you are in terms of your values, principles, beliefs, character and conduct, more than how you look.
4. He will not make you feel sad, depressed, distrustful, insecure and generally anxious and worried most of the time.
Whatever God gives, addeth no sorrow. The Bible says and I quote, “The blessing of the Lord, it maketh rich and he addeth no sorrow with it.” (Proverbs 10:22) If you find therefore, that there is a lot of trouble and drama and conflict and tension and stress and headache and problems with the relationship or the very idea of a relationship, then most likely it is because it is not meant to be. Just saying.
God may be giving you a sign to run for the hills while you still have a chance. When God sends the one he has for you, things will not be perfect all the time (‘cause that would be boring) but he will also send a peace that passeth all understanding. When you are at peace with yourself, the person, your God and the relationship, you will feel it and you will know it.
5. The two families will be generally supportive of your relationship or the idea of your relationship.
Pay attention if any of his or your parents and/or his or your siblings express disapproval. I’m not saying that everyone will consent or has to consent but usually if God is blessing his child with a spouse of his choice, he tends to sway the hearts of those closest to you in favour of the person. Anything else is a serious red flag.
Your parents refusing to bless the union or reluctantly agreeing to do so is a serious red flag, especially if they are Christians. Ask Samson and Esau in the Bible, both of whose parents were displeased or grieved with their choices.
Family members planning to boycott an upcoming Wedding or crying their eyes out because of it is a serious red flag.
Yes I know that there are rare exceptions to this. I also know that you are of age and are perfectly capable of making your own decisions. However, while liking or loving someone is nice, remember that it can also blind you to red herrings staring you right in the face.
Consider seriously and prayerfully, whether you should run now, while you can. Just saying.
6. He will pass the Boaz test with flying colours.
If he fails the Boaz traits test, then he’s not the one. When you examine the traits of Boaz in the Bible, even if your guy does not have them all (after all he is human), you would find that he has most of them and genuinely wants to keep working on the others that he lacks. I repeat therefore: If he fails the Boaz traits test, then he’s not the one! By that I don’t mean that he secures 100% but he should have at least 70% and upwards for him to be someone that you are seriously considering as marriage material.
In a nutshell, from my observations, based on what was written about Boaz in terms of what he did and how he acted, he was a man that was genuine, humble, respectful, protective, kind-hearted, compassionate, generous, gracious, considerate, friendly, non-judgmental, non-condescending, mature, reliable, responsible, honest, selfless, honourable, sincere and a provider.
Some may say that the person they are interested in has these traits (of that they are certain) and that in time, they will be able to coach it out of him. Well, it is my belief that if the person is who God wants for you, these traits will be revealed effortlessly without you having to lift a finger. God will cause you to see these traits in the person without you having to dig (sometimes in vain), to find them.
I therefore advise against aligning yourself with potential. Align yourself with the real deal.
7. God will send someone who is emotionally available.
God will not send someone who has commitment issues, who is a player or enjoys playing games because it strokes his ego and makes him feel important. He will not send someone who is on the fence, who is uncertain as to what in the world he wants, is childish, just came out of a relationship (although there can be exceptions to this one) or where there is (or it seems that there is) some sort of relationship triangle (whether real or perceived), lurking somewhere.
If such a man is THE ONE, then God will keep him out of your life and far away from you, until he sorts out all of his issues and gets his act together, before he brings you together.
The man God wants for you is someone who knows for sure what he wants and with God’s help, he has the courage and decency to exclusively pursue you and honourably with the end intention being (provided everything goes well), to make you his wife.
Remember, the Bible says in James 1:8 that “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.”
Run from a man that is confused, unsure, double-minded, scared to commit and full of excuses. That man is unstable and emotionally unavailable.
8. His ways should remind you of Jesus.
He will not be perfect but generally, his ways should remind you of someone – Jesus! And the way he treats you should remind you of your relationship with God.
Of course, you will only be able tell if he reminds you of your heavenly Father, if YOU are intimately acquainted with and walking closely with your Lord. This enables you to spot most of the phonies a distance away and even if you allow some to get close, it will become glaringly obvious from early on, that they are not at all like your heavenly daddy! If this is the case, sprint to the hills.
Philippians 2:5 states of all Christians, “Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.” Whereas your guy will not be perfect (you know in yourself you too are not), he will be striving daily to be more and more like Jesus and not just content to stay the way he is. He will be Kingdom-focused above all else and this will be portrayed in the way he treats not just you but his family, his co-workers, his boss, the vagrant on the street and people in general.
9. He pushes you closer to God.
You should find that instead of pulling you to himself, he pushes you closer to God. He prays for you and with you, supports you with the Word and understands that it is to be God first and him after. You should find that he has a positive effect on your walk with your God and is concerned above all else, with your spiritual development.
If you feel like you are less closer to God, estranged from him because of all the attention you have been giving to this person, that the person openly or secretly resents your relationship with God and even sees him as competition, then guess what? – God did not send him! God states in Exodus 20:3, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” He is a God that hates idolatry and he will not send someone to you for you to idolize or who thinks of himself as your god.
A God-sent man will not be possessive or overly protective and does not see you as his property. He understands from day one, that you belong to God and that even if God should allow him to marry you, you still remain God’s precious property. He has merely been given the privilege to love you and cultivate you and cherish you and enjoy all of life with you.
10. You feel like you’ve been blessed with a heavenly gift.
Even if you have arguments and problems here and there (as every healthy couple will have), you should always know for sure and genuinely feel (based on how you are treated), like he is a gift. That is, you feel blessed to have him in your life.
Gifts do not cause pain. People do not open packages given to them and burst into tears of sorrow. If you’re generally not happy with this person or how he is treating you, then he is not the ‘gift’ that God has sent you.
The Bible states of the gifts that God sends, that: “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning” (James 1:17). Amen.
(Written 3rd June, 2015)
Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be informative, edifying, beneficial or interesting, you may also be interested in reading the following:
- Note 18 – ‘You Cannot Change Him’
- Note 21 – ‘When He Doesn’t See Your Worth’
- Note 20 – ‘Equation For Relationship Success’
- Note 57 – ‘Who To Marry?’
- Note 58 – ‘To Tell If He’s The One Put On Your Spiritual Glasses’
- Note 68 – ‘My Detailed List – What I Want In A Divinely Compatible Spouse’
- Note 128 – ‘God-sent Or Just God-ly?’
- Note 130 – ‘Ladies, How Long Are You Prepared To Wait?’
- Note 144 – ‘Before You Say ‘I Do’
- Note 145 – ‘Does He Love You Or Lust You?’
- Note 147 – ‘How To Tell If He’s Your God-sent And Not Just God-ly’
- Note 148 – ‘What Does The Bible Say About Being Unequally Yoked With An Unbeliever?‘
- Note 149 – ‘Making The Wrong Decision Can Be Costly’
- Note 258 – ‘The Man Of The World vs The Man Of God’
- Note 260 – ‘Common Sense Tips For Choosing The Right One’
- Note 271 – ‘Not Just Any Man Will Do – My Top Ten (10) Pet Peeves In A Man’
- Note 275 – ‘How God Wants Us To Treat With Our Idols’
Also, on my ‘COURTING OR ENGAGED Daughters Of God’ Page:
- Note 16 – ‘Dear Christian, Does God Approve Of Your Relationship?’
- Note 42 – ‘Making The Wrong Decision Can Be Costly’
- Note 50 – ‘Taking On His Last Name – Is It Significant?’
- Note 61 – ‘I Being In The Way, The Lord Led Me – A Match Made In Heaven’