64. I WANT TO LOOK RESPLENDANT
(The Single Woman Series – Batch 2)
I want to look resplendent.
When I think of those years that I was ridiculed as a child for my complexion, treated as an outcast and lower than a dog because of my hue, referred to as ‘tar baby’ and ‘pitch lake’ by strangers and passersby, the object of scorn and chased at a Church Camp Banquet because no boy wanted me to sit next to him as a young teen because I was too black, all of which left me terrified, nervous and self-conscious around people, due to these viciously placed scars, asked by a girl at a Junior Secondary School while in the bathroom and trying to not be seen, if I wanted to wash my face because it looked like it needed to be washed, approached by a boy who was dared to confront me by a group of giggling boys and told that I was ugly, told that my name was nice but my face was not, told that I was ugly by so many people as a child, including one of my own family members and on so many occasions, rejected and betrayed by those I cared about, heartbroken at times, criticized and misunderstood and when I messed up as is human, rarely ever forgiven,
when I think about the time I was told by a family member that there was only so much this world could take of me or the umpteen times I almost died due to reckless drivers on the road with me as passenger and desperately praying to arrive at my destination in safety or that night when I stood at the side of a road and a car came dashing in my direction at full speed and swerved at the very last minute to avoid a deadly collision or that time just last week when I came face to face with a deadly dog that was not my friend, froze and then ran for my life, (thank God he did not follow)
or that time when my business failed and I would sit in my office day after day, ready and willing and capable to work but stuck with rules that said I could not advertise and crying my eyes out because time was going and little money was coming in and I had two rents to pay at the end of each month and even as I cried, God would occasionally send a client to me who would break down in tears in my office with THEIR spiritual need for salvation and then use me, sad and heartbroken as I was, to spread the good news to that person and pray with that person for him or her to accept Christ as Lord or those times when I searched high and low for enough money to pay my fare home because I had only had enough to get to the office but not to return or those several months when two rents were due and I had not a cent but God supernaturally provided each and every single month, in the nick of time, for me to make those payments or that time when all the money I had to my name was not enough to even buy me one sweet and the sweets lady turned me away because the fifty cents I tried to give her and had searched hard and long for at my office and my room at home, had five cent pieces in it and she was accepting nothing less than twenty-five cent pieces or that time when I stood hungry in a long line waiting to catch the bus back home because I had not eaten all day and maybe the evening of the day before and prayed hard to God that he would provide me with something to eat, anything and then he opened my eyes to realize that an ice cream Company was giving away free ice creams as an advertising project and I rushed across the street and was given 5 of them without even asking or that time,
when I walked off that job due to an abusive and dishonest employer that enjoyed screaming at her employees and berated me on one occasion for speaking the truth that a client of hers was dead and I just couldn’t take her abuse and dishonesty anymore and broke down crying one day while standing up for myself and condemning her despicable behaviour or that other time I had to leave another job due to different factors, one of which included a serious compromise of my beliefs and then to find some years later on the national news, that the person who was the main cause of why I decided to leave was assassinated by some people or the three Christmases (at different points), that I spent without a job (the first two, of which I was able to keep secret from people, the last of which God allowed to be publicized (after he had built up my faith) and which resulted in me being the subject of much painful and shameful talk, criticism and ridicule from those around me who did not even know half of the facts of what I had been through) or the time I thought that someone at my Church was the one for me but then suddenly learned that he was engaged to another and broke down crying on the streets when I found out from his aunt, on a day that I had woken up from my bed praising the Lord and had continued praising him like crazy in song (and had even wondered why I was singing so much – only realizing afterwards, that he was preparing me in the spirit, for the news I was about to receive, which I thought back then was devastating!)
or that time when I was rejected after attending different interviews because I was too young or too qualified or not bright enough or not too something or other or not from the right connection or whatever or that time I spent more than a year at home without a job, although desperately looking for one and combing the internet for a siting of one almost daily, yet being accused of being lazy and not wanting to work and was told I would never get out of my rut by a former non-Christian Hindu friend but that I would stay stuck forever and unmarried forever and that time that another previous work colleague who was an atheist, told me that the God I kept talking to him, about did not care about me and that he had abandoned me and left me practically for dead in my situation and in his pride because his business was doing so well, said that he was God (but I continued to believe in my God and realized that the time had come to cut off all communication with this previous work colleague who the devil was using to try to destroy my faith and who had gotten puffed up in his pride because he was making quite a lot of money and so we never spoke again) and the times I felt completely abandoned with zero emotional support and encouragement in life or that time I was told (at least on three occasions by different people) that I would never marry or that time when the doctor, like me, felt a lump in my breast and sent me for further tests (and the world continued on as normal even as I wondered when all of these problems would end and if I would lose my mind before it did) (thank God it was not cancerous)
or that time when I accepted a brand new job, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God had led me there and was optimistic, only to have my bubble burst by an onslaught of attacks, unrelenting abuse and constant provocation, insults, ridicule, belittling, dog-treatment, oppression and a shocking level of wickedness without any repentance, from people in high places and of such a diabolical nature as I had NEVER experienced in ALL of my life and I spent the first few weeks in shock and as in a daze at the war zone I had suddenly been dropped in and the level of unprecedented and devious attacks I was being subjected to with reinforcements, even after allowing the Lord to direct my path and acknowledging him in all my ways (Never in my life have I been so provoked and oppressed at a job and had so many people in HIGH places after me and seemingly without justifiable cause, trying to undermine and blatantly attack me anyhow they could. I knew there had to be a blessing at the end of it because why else would the devil be trying so hard and relentlessly to run me off of that job? Perhaps because God had sent me in that DARK place on a mission to reach lost souls?) (Tried as I did to end my two year contract before the time and find something else, God did not permit me and kept me in that place for reasons unknown to me but it so turned out that after I had completed my two year contract and left, that the salary and perks were raised to such a level, that I was informed six months afterwards, that I had backpay to receive retroactively, which, together with my gratuity, would amount to approximately four hundred thousand dollars ($400,000.00) gross (PRAISE GOD!),
or that time when in 2013, everything felt like it was falling around me and the pain was too much to bear and I had no more strength to go on and I wanted the pain and the bad news to stop, now! and I sat in an eatery on a street in the City as people passed by, as if in space, feeling that I was close to losing my mind… (especially when I had just learned the man I thought I might one day marry was engaged to someone else) BUT GOD!, or that time when I wondered if my purpose on earth was just to suffer and to feel pain and if I would ever experience a little happiness or a little rest from all my troubles (especially after having SEVEN continuous years in particular of drought and one adversity after another with no intermission whatsoever, from 2009 to 2016 and crying seemingly non-stop for those SEVEN years (Here’s to hoping it ends SOON!)
or those times when many other things happened to me, some of which are too painful, too ugly and too horrible to mention here or those times I messed up really badly, made major mistakes but God forgave me when I repented and flooded me with his grace and his compassion and his mercy and his strength and his favour and his love,
you will understand me when I say, that AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN THROUGH (and believe me when I say, that what I have mentioned above is just the tip of the ice berg), I WANT TO LOOK RESPLENDANT on my Wedding day. I want to look more beautiful than I have ever looked before because I have known sorrow and been acquainted with much grief, from childhood to date and for me, such a day would be momentous.
On my Wedding day, I want to laugh, to jump for joy, to radiate HIS glory because I am a living testament of God’s resurrection power. I want to look like the royal daughter of God that I am, despite the lies and the attacks from the enemy to make me believe otherwise. And he has tried. Because he saw so much beauty in me and knew God’s purpose for me, he tried to mess me up, to send me off course, to derail my purpose, even from childhood and to make me feel like I was worthless and of no significance in the world. But God!
When I felt I had no one to turn to on most days and at times the silence was deafening even as the waves crashed against my already weary soul, my God was with me, even as he promised. He kept me, he preserved me and I am still in the land of the living and in my right mind solely because of him.
Whereas I know that my Wedding day will not mark the end of life’s woes, it will signal a new chapter in my life and I am more than ready to embrace it. To me, it will represent NEW BEGINNINGS, although it will really be a continuation of a love story that began with my Lord and I.
When this daughter of the King walks down that aisle to meet the one that God has graced and appointed for me to marry, I make no apologies: It will be a special day by the grace of almighty God and because I survived to reach that far, I WANT TO LOOK RESPLENDANT!
(Written on 8th November, 2016)
