(The Single Woman Series – Batch 2)
I am not crying over another one!
This I said resolutely to myself as I was having my devotions this morning and thought back on the times in my life when I had felt completely shattered and as if my world had been turned upside down because of men.
I have had two such incidents in my life, the first of which left me utterly heart broken and the second in which my hope that this was THE ONE was utterly and suddenly dashed.
In their defence, I will say that these men and I were never in any formally defined ‘relationship’ as we would usually think of relationships but still, I found myself in a complete mess and in intense mind-shattering pain and depression, when whatever it was or what I thought it was, was suddenly and certainly over.
Bless the Lord! For today, I am healed from those messes and stand stronger and even more beautiful than ever and I STILL believe in true love. I refuse to become bitter because (1) I acknowledged my own wrong and error in those situations and (2) I simply have too much to offer to the RIGHT ONE to waste time pining over the WRONG ONES.
For the record, ladies, not because a man didn’t see your worth does it mean that you are not valuable. Not because someone throws away what seems to be a simple rock, does it mean that that object is not an uncut DIAMOND. Yes, I said it. It takes a man with the necessary expertise to recognize that that there object is extremely valuable and rare and significant. See, your price tag and your worth is not tied to what a man thinks about you. You need to know it for yourself so you can properly assess whether a particular man angling around you is valuing you right. If he is not, you need to keep to yourself until God sends a more deserving bidder.
Yesterday evening, as I sat in a work seminar meeting with other Heads of Department (yes, imagine that! God made me a Head of Department!!), I pointed out to another Head sitting next to me, that the two gem stones from a very old and cheap ring on my right hand, were long gone.
He pointed out that I needed to replace it but I answered jokingly that I was waiting on THE RING for my left hand (referring to an engagement ring from a deserving future suitor). He then replied (given that he was in his early sixties I presume) that, had he been younger, I would have been sure to accept him as a spouse. I stated confidently, that I had very high standards and that the man I marry had to have spiritual substance.
This leads me to the main point I want to drive home in this Article. Having suffered heartache because I got emotionally involved with the WRONG ONE and then some years later, overwhelming sorrow because I invested my hopes and dreams for the future in the WRONG MAN, I have learned my lesson.
This is why I say, I am not crying over another man, ever again.
By that I mean, never again will I be crying my eyes out for days on end, as I did with those two men. Never again am I going through depression and that awful feeling of having been rejected and walked away from, which hurts all the more when you KNOW you have so much to offer.
This does not mean that I am giving up on love. Quite the contrary. I have learned that when a man walks away, it is God blessing you by letting you know that he is NOT THE ONE that he has approved of for you. Maybe he has approved him for somebody else but not for you and where he is taking you.
I believe that THE GOD SENT MAN is out there and that in God’s perfect timing and with His help, he will approach. However, I intend to apply the painful lessons I have learned in my two experiences, to ensure that I don’t EVER make the same mistake again.
What do I mean by that? Well, as I have explained in other Articles, there are three (3) aspects by which we are attracted as Christians, to other people, namely, physical attraction, emotional attraction and spiritual attraction. The best marriages are founded on all three (3). In retrospect, I have realised that with the first man, it wasn’t a physical attraction to begin with but due to acts of kindness and what seemed like consideration, respect, a keen understanding of me, his great sense of humour and the fact that at that time, I was suffering from low self-esteem, I became emotionally attached to him. The attraction was therefore emotional and in time, this led to a physical attraction.
In the second case, I was much more confident about myself and determined not to let any man railroad me again. What I didn’t realise though was the power of a physical attraction and how it can make you deliberately close your eyes to things you should be considering. When I met this particular guy, it was a physical attraction from the get-go. I remember sitting at Church that Sunday morning. The Church service had not yet officially begun because of a group Bible Reading session which was held for an hour before the service every Sunday.
I was in one group whereas another group for the older folks were at another end of the Church. I had clear sight of the main entrance door which was at a distance and on that morning, although I had been going to that Church for a few months prior, I remember looking up because someone had opened the door and seeing a young man confidently walking down the aisle and coming towards our group.
I remember thinking to myself in instant interest, “WHO…IS…THAT?” He had completely captured my attention and on a scale of 1-10 in terms of attraction, I would say it was a perfect 10. I could not believe that someone so gorgeous, not just in terms of how his face looked but how he carried himself and dressed was a member of my Church.
What I have learned about those two incidents is that in the first, I allowed an emotional attraction to dupe me and in the second, I allowed a physical attraction to blind me to reality. I have learned that whereas the devil can try to assign someone to your life based on an emotional connection or a physical attraction, he cannot do so with a divine spiritual connection.
Make no mistake, no matter how nice a person may be or well-mannered, if he has not yet surrendered his whole life to Jesus Christ, then he is still being controlled by the devil and can be sent to try to destroy your life and your purpose. Even if a man is a Christian, that does not mean that he is God’s will for your life. If he is not God’s will for you and you are not God’s will for him, then it means that both of you are walking in disobedience, not listening to God (because he ALWAYS speaks, even with silence) and therefore, the devil can use that to both of your detriment as well.
What am I saying?
I’m saying, if you are a Christian woman, to figure out prayerfully whether a man you are interested in or who is interested in you could be THE ONE, do not look at how you feel about him physically or emotionally. You should look at those things at some point but let not that be the test you apply to determine if he is GOD-SENT.
Yes he may be good looking and carries himself well and seems confident and scores 10 on your physical attraction meter but let not that be the standard. LOOK for spiritual substance.
I firmly believe that God will allow you to see a man’s spiritual substance if he is THE ONE he wants you to marry. Don’t focus on how kind and selfless and giving this person has been to you or how well he treats and respects you or how mannerly he is and how well he conducts himself and speaks or that you can talk to him for hours without either of you becoming bored and that you enjoy his company and his jokes or that you have feelings for him and care immensely about him and he about you and may even be in love with him. All of that is just an emotional connection. Still LOOK for the spiritual substance.
The beauty of spiritual substance is that it cannot be imitated and therefore, it cannot lie. That is why it makes for such an excellent test! If you are honest, all the WRONG MEN that you aligned yourself with in the past, either lacked this or God did not allow you to see it in them because they were not for you.
Spiritual substance is the key and by that, I mean a man that demonstrates without even trying to impress you, that he has RELATIONSHIP with the Lord Jesus Christ is not perfect but is trying daily to be more and more like him, is humble while confident, selfless, forgiving, knows how to lead, understands his God-given purpose as a man within the context of a family and in the Church, has the maturity to take a wife is marriage-minded and many other Godly attributes.
Check my previous Article 68 entitled: ‘MY DETAILED LIST – WHAT I WANT IN A DIVINELY COMPATIBLE SPOUSE’, to see my list for what I want in a God-sent spouse. It will help you to understand what I mean by a man of Godly character and spiritual substance.
Look for his integrity and ensure that materialism, career, power, popularity, vice, addiction, image and politics do not rule his heart. If you let go of physical attraction and emotional connection and focus on only those men that demonstrate spiritual substance and in a way that you find attractive, you would be well on your way to marrying THE RIGHT ONE.
Mind you, I am not saying to marry a man who you are attracted to spiritually alone. All three (3) elements are needed for a successful marriage. However, whatever God does, he does well and if you focus on the spiritual aspect, I am confident that God will deal with the rest. He can even craft your love story, so that the emotional and physical attraction is much more than what you even had with the WRONG ONES and more than you ever even imagined, could be possible.
So in respect of the new guy that I have seen week after week at another Church I have been attending, it dawned on me that while I find him extremely physically attractive (even more so than the guy at the other Church I had attended some years ago and had given a 10 on a scale of 1-10), I had still not seen any aspect of his spiritual character. Yes he was on the worship team and seemed committed to playing his instrument well but apart from that, I knew nothing and had still not seen anything to make me really sit up and admire, in terms of his RELATIONSHIP with the Lord Jesus. He is therefore on my dismissed list and that is where he will stay, unless God decides to intervene and allow me to see his spiritual substance.
As a single woman that now knows my worth in the Lord Jesus Christ, I cannot afford to make the same mistakes I made in the past. I have no time to sit in a pool of tears over any man that is not even worth it. God has much planned for me and I need someone on board that can bring me closer to fulfilling that purpose, not derail me from it.
My radar is set to spiritual substance. Any man coming within a mile, must go through my spiritual substance scanning machine. It is the ONLY criteria that works and as women, we ought to guard our hearts and our minds UNTIL we have done our due diligence and God has confirmed that, like king David, this is one of his sons and a man after his own heart.
I want a man, who, although he will not be perfect, reminds me of Jesus. If I can’t see Jesus living in him, then he needs to stay far away from me. Hotness wouldn’t cut it. Kindness wouldn’t cut it. Treating me nicely wouldn’t cut it. Making me laugh wouldn’t cut it. Dressing nicely wouldn’t cut it and having an awesome voice and face and body wouldn’t cut it.
This time, ONLY one of God’s valued, favoured and bona fide sons with a strong demonstration of spiritual character and an ability to lead me and the children I will bear him by the grace of almighty God, will do and my prayer to my Lord is that he sends me just that.
The physical and the emotional attraction should be there as well but what I am saying is that my main focus will be on his SPIRITUAL character because that is what will determine whether we will grow successfully in the Lord in a marriage or fall apart, as many other relationships and marriages have done.
You want to be with a man that, even if you were to be down to nothing tomorrow (and I have been there), that he will remain by your side. Only spiritual substance could make him do that. You want a man that, even when you’ve failed him immensely, he still finds it in his heart to forgive you and still loves you and only spiritual fortitude will make him do that. You want a man that sees you as part of his team and encourages and motivates and invests in you so that you can shine brighter and not a man that will compete with you or resent your successes or belittle you and try to make you feel less than you are and to doubt your worth.
You want a man that is mature and faithful, who never makes you doubt his intentions of marrying you one day and within a reasonable time period and spending the rest of his life with you. You want a man that, even if he were to get news that he had lost his job, his money in the bank, his house, his car, his everything, that he may feel down for a period of time yes but that because the resurrection power of Jesus is on the inside of him, he will get back up and STILL praise God because that is where the secret of his strength truly lies.
You want a man that is heavenly-focused, that knows that he is merely on a mission on this earth as an ambassador and who truly has God as first in his life. You want a man that makes all his decisions by what will be pleasing to God and not to himself and who genuinely understands that he is God’s servant.
If you are around a man that seems to have a nice personality is physically attractive to you, you get along well with him and could see yourself loving him dearly one day or perhaps you already are in love with him, my advice to you dear sister in the Lord is to take a step back, put on your spiritual glasses and begin to LOOK for spiritual traits.
If you are where you are supposed to be in the Lord, you are supposed to understand exactly what I mean and if you don’t, then you need to spend some more time with your Lord before considering bringing a man into the equation.
If you need confirmation as to what I mean, then check out my detailed list of what I want in a God-sent spouse, which I wrote in a previously, in Article 68.
If he fails the spiritual character test or you are around him for quite some time and have been asking God to reveal his spiritual character, yet God has not allowed you to see these ‘Boaz’ or ‘Joseph’ traits, then maybe he hasn’t allowed you to see them because they don’t exist (and this is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, strategically sent by the devil to destroy your life) or because he is not THE ONE that he wants for YOU to marry.
If you have prayed and fasted and given it time and you are convinced that this man has spiritual character and substance and that God has confirmed that this is who he wants for you, then move forward boldly but don’t ever stop praying, not even after he gets down on one knee and proposes.
Seek God’s will always. Focus on the SPIRITUAL above all else and you will be blessed!
(Written on 8th October, 2016)
Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be informative, edifying, beneficial or interesting, you may also be interested in reading the following:
- Note 8 – ‘My Quick Ten Point Checklist – Is He The One?‘
- Note 10 – ‘Characteristics Of A Counterfeit’
- Note 18 – ‘You Can’t Change Him’
- Note 21 – ‘When He Doesn’t See Your Worth’
- Note 20 – ‘Equation For Relationship Success’
- Note 57 – ‘Who To Marry?’
- Note 68 – ‘My Detailed List – What I Want In A Divinely Compatible Spouse’
- Note 128 – ‘God-sent Or Just God-ly?’
- Note 130 – ‘Ladies, How Long Are You Prepared To Wait?’
- Note 144 – ‘Before You Say ‘I Do’
- Note 145 – ‘Does He Love You Or Lust You?’
- Note 147 – ‘How To Tell If He’s Your God-sent And Not Just God-ly’
- Note 149 – ‘Making The Wrong Decision Can Be Costly’
- Note 258 – ‘The Man Of The World vs The Man Of God’
- Note 260 – ‘Common Sense Tips For Choosing The Right One’
- Note 271 – ‘Not Just Any Man Will Do – My Top Ten (10) Pet Peeves In A Man’
- Note 275 – ‘How God Wants Us To Treat With Our Idols’