352. A NOTE FROM A SINGLE SISTER TO MY MARRIED SISTERS IN THE LORD

(The Single Woman Series – Batch 7)

I have written on the topic of singleness and marriage and shared my views countless times on these subjects before but due to a recent incident, I have felt the need to write on it again.

As I have shared before, I am a single woman and a believer in the Lordship of the ressurected Jesus Christ. I started writing the many Articles uploaded to this Website more than a decade ago and to date, I am not a married woman. I believe Gods word that marriage is honourable and as long as I know, I have desired to be married but the reality is that the Lord in his sovereignty, has not seen it fit up to this point, to send me a husband.

This has been difficult at times over the years for me to process, as I have always desired a husband and a family of my own, moreso than career success. What has added to my difficulty though, is how I have been treated for the most part, by my sisters in the Lord, due to my singleness.

Sadly, many fellow professing Christians treat me as if I don’t exist simply because of my seemingly perpetual single status. They give no support, no acknowledgment and regard me as if I am dead, simply because I have never been graced to be somebody’s wife. This ostracism, this abandonment, this rejection hurts, especially when I know that the mentality behind it is not of the Lord.

In addition to those who look down on me because I am still single, there are those professing believers who believe that it is their mission, their mandate, to harass and provoke me every chance they get, about my single state. They operate presumptously on the misconception, that I am not married because I am continually saying no to suitors or because I am living in disobedience to God and am therefore reaping the punishment and so, need to get things right quick or because I am simply not giving my getting a husband enough importance, time and priority in my life, which I need to do, if my life is to be worth living.

The audacity of such people and the foolishness of their thinking, never ceases to shock me, given that as professing believers, they should know better. Imagine, I can’t even attend a Church Convention in peace, for the most part! I did so recently at a Church I had not been to in a number of years and was suddenly told at the end of the Service by an elder sister in the Lord, that she wanted to hear good news. This she told me emphatically, as I tried simply to distribute some invitations to my parents’ upcoming Wedding Anniversary function and had to deny that I was getting married, after being repeatedly asked in mocking excitement, if it was a Wedding. What she meant in her bold declaration was that she wanted to hear finally that I was getting married.

I could not believe it. I had suffered many taunts, comments and harassment when in my twenties and thirties but it had seemingly eased up, my reasoning that people had given up on me and the idea of my ever getting hitched. They had seemingly concluded that I was over the hill, too far gone in terms of age and that it would not happen for me again. Hence, they had grown silent (thankfully), although their disapproving stare whenever they saw me, spoke volumes.

Now, suddenly, I found myself, in my forties, being reminded again that I needed to get married!

The lady no doubt meant well but nothing justifies the lack of wisdom and the insensitivity, in a professing believer going after a single Christian and harassing him or her about marriage. It is equally as bad as those who go after married couples that are having difficulty conceiving and harassing them as to when they will have a baby and why they are taking so long to have one!

The lady told me she wanted to hear good news, so I told her that the good news was that I was in the land of the living and I knew Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour. Her reply was quick and shocked me to the core. For, she responded, that she wanted to hear BETTER news.

Having realised the foolishness of her statement, she then tried to backpeddle on what she had said but the Word of God declares, that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:24).

Perhaps I should have responded with the words that Job gave to his wife in Job 2:10, when she spoke utter nonsense to him. However, out of respect, I did not. She had surely spoken as one of the foolish women speaketh but I chose to leave the matter in God’s able hands, my merely retorting that this was idolatry.

See, this lady had revealed what I already knew from her attitude and that of many other people who claim to be believers over the years, that in their minds, the ultimate goal in life, the best goal, wasn’t knowing Jesus as Lord and Saviour and walking with him in relationship through faith. In their minds and according to their flawed thinking, it was GETTING MARRIED!

This was why I had been harrassed, provoked and taunted for many a year about my single status and why some had abandoned me as not being worthy enough of association, among the married clique. In their minds, although untrue, marriage reigned supreme and faith in Jesus was just something on the side. Salvation wasn’t sufficient in and of itself but Christians needed more. They needed to be married or else, they had no purpose in life, God could not use them, they were outside of his favour and operating under a curse. They were not as special as those who were in marriages and were not being blessed.

Believe it or not, some years ago at another Convention, another elderly sister told me at the very beginning of that year, that she hoped that God blessed me that year. What she meant was clear. Up to that point, although God had granted me health, strength and had preserved my life, although he had done so much for me and had worked so many miracles in my life (which she wasn’t even aware of), in her mind and according to her warped thinking, I was under a curse, God had refused to bless me and the evidence was in the fact that I was still single!

Where these professing believers have gotten this false and foolish thinking from, that one’s value is tied to one’s marital status, is not known. It is certainly not from the scriptures. The Lord Jesus Christ saw the need to state that a man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things he possesseth, meaning his value wasn’t tied to how many material possessions he had or did not have. Yet, so many professing believers today behave as if a person’s life consisteth in their marital status!

As I said before, I define this folly of thought in one word: Idolatry. It is idolatry of heart.

The Word of God tells me that I am complete in Jesus, irrespective of my status (Colossians 2:10) but these people clearly believe otherwise. This was the reason why, after seeing another professing believer at the Convention after many years, she did not see the need to ask how I was doing, how was my spiritual life going or how things were with me (I had survived Covid for crying out loud, while so many others had died!). Like the other sister who had asked me about a Wedding and said she wanted to hear good news, all she was concerned about was that, based on her recollection, I was single years ago when last she saw me and no ring being seen on my finger, shamefully, I was still single at that present moment. In her mind therefore, I desperately needed prayer, to break this cursed cycle of ongoing singleness! She saw the need to therefore let me know in that knowing sort of way, that her mind ran on me recently and she was praying for me. It was said in that sort of way that made it clear that she did not mean praying for my welfare in general (which is far more important) but only about one main thing: ME GETTING MARRIED!

Mind you, I had never complained to her about my single state or even indicated that I wanted to get married. She just concluded that this had to be the case, that I could not live a joyous life otherwise and therefore, the most pressing order of business, above everything else, was to ensure that I got married!

She reasoned that after all those years that she had not seen me (and mind you, in which God had preserved me), that I was STILL single so I was in need of prayer, not so that I could continue walking with the Lord faithfully, serving him and in overcoming life’s battles, only so that I could get married. After all, what purpose is there to life other than to have a husband, right?

There is a secular saying which goes, get rich or die trying. Well, in my view, in Christian circles, the main mentality of many professing believers is to get married or die trying. I personally think that this is a disgusting mentality to have. Marriage is honourable and a good thing. The Word of God says that. However, God never intended believers to elevate it to the level that so many have, even above him!

Not surprisingly, at the very same Convention, a third elderly lady chose that forum to ask me (which she keeps doing every few months), if I hadn’t seen anyone that I liked as yet. Three months ago, she knew I was still single but in this short time, given that I had relocated to a new area, she felt the need to ask again, as if my salvation depended on it!

To my fellow professing believers in the Lord that are married or have been married but are now widowed, allow me to tell you this:

I am not of lesser value to you or to other married Christian women because I am single. I do not serve a lesser purpose in God’s Kingdom agenda because I have not been graced up to this point to marry. The Word of God tells me, that I am a royal priesthood, married or not, called by God and chosen, irrespective of my marital state. My main purpose in life is not to marry but to show forth the Lord’s praises who has brought me out from darkness into his marvellous light.

His Word declares, “But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light” (1 Peter 2:9).

What this means is that the man may come if God decides to send him but even if he doesn’t, I am still precious and valuable in HIS sight. I am no lesser than my married sisters and brothers. To regard people in this way and to treat them like that, as if nothing else but marriage matters or as much, is nothing short of a work of the devil. God is not at all in that ludicrous kind of thinking.

I always say and continue to say that marriage does not grant a person access to heaven. It is faith in the finished work of the Lord Jesus Christ ALONE.

I am not outside of God’s favour because I have not been given a husband. What kind of ridiculous thinking is that? From where is it based and why does the folly continue to be perpetuated in the minds of so many?

An anointed child of God is anointed, whether God sees it fit to give him or her a spouse or not. He or she is called of God to do great works to his honour and glory, whether he sends someone for him or her to share his or her life’s journey with or not. John the Baptist doesn’t appear to have been married, yet he ran the race and finished well. Saul who was renamed Paul never married, yet he was able to say nearing the end of his life which was spent SERVING THE LORD:

• “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.” (2 Timothy 4:7-8)

In fact, in 1 Corinthians 7:8, this same Paul, although he spoke favourably of the institution of marriage which God had ordained, stated, “I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I.”

Furthermore, believe it or not, later on in that very same chapter, while he did not disapprove of the beauty of marriage, he stated “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth BETTER.”(v. 38).

His rationale for arriving at this conclusion, that in his estimation, although marriage was wonderful, it was better for the Christian to remain single than to marry, was given. Mind you, he was not saying not to marry, as that would have been wrong. For marriage is a beautiful institution ordained by God. What he was saying though, is that the married person becomes distracted in serving the Lord because now he or she focuses mainly on pleasing his or her husband or wife, whereas the umarried woman or man has no such distraction and only aims to please the Lord.

In light of eternity, what will really matter in life and given that all that we acquire here on earth, including spouses is temporal, he took the view (unlike those today who behave as if the single Christian is under shame, reproach and a curse), that the single person who serves the Lord in singleness of heart is fulfilling a purpose that he considered BETTER than that being fulfilled by the married person. For, at the end of the day and this life, NOTHING will matter more than how we served and esteemed Christ.

Paul stated:

• “But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you. But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none; And they that weep, as though they wept not; and they that rejoice, as though they rejoiced not; and they that buy, as though they possessed not;

• And they that use this world, as not abusing it: for the fashion of this world passeth away. But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.

• But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry. Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well. So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth BETTER.“

Paul’s thinking on the subject was therefore completely different from those of most professing believers today! It reminds me of Isaiah 54:1 and to my mind, conveys a similar thought, when God himself stated through his Prophet:

• “Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for MORE are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord.”

Yet, today, despite the value that the scriptures clearly place on believers who are not married (some permanently so and some not as yet because it is not yet God’s timing), many professing believers regard marriage, not salvation, as the highest achievement to be attained in life. Those that reach it, whether they find themselves in God-glorifying and God-ordained marriages or not, they are considered blessed and highly favoured and those that don’t, they are considered to be the biggest of life’s failures.

Some professing believers even falsely believe that it is God’s will for every Christian to marry. Such persons then believe that, if they don’t see the spouse coming, they need to go out and make it happen in desperation for themselves, even as Sarah felt the need to do, when she considered that she was barren and her husband needed a child.

As I wrote on the day following the Convention I attended, where I was again made to feel lesser than my married sisters and brothers, unworthy and guilty because no man had found me to marry yet:

“If the Lord wants something for you and purposes for you to have it, you don’t have to help him to do anything. Sarah thought she needed to help God to bring his purposes to pass. She was dead wrong. What she reaped was nothing short of trouble for her desperation. Faith in God has no room for desperation.”

It is my desire, that people who call themselves Christians, that claim to know Jesus as Lord and therefore ought to know better, that they start acting that way. I am sick and tired of this idolizing of marriage in the body of Christ, as if that is the mandate that Jesus left.

Believe it or not, Jesus himself made it clear that this marriage of which so many Christians esteem too highly, to the point of sinning against God and single Christians in the things they tell them and how they regard them, will not even last into eternity!

This honourable institution that we place so much emphasis on, as if Christ said that it is needed to secure our place to heaven (which he did not!), is only for this earth. Nobody will enter heaven as a married person!

Jesus stated in Matthew 22:30, “For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.“

The mandate that he gave was not for all Christians to get married or to die trying and to provoke or look down scornfully at those who aren’t but to go into all the world and PREACH the gospel. Indeed, the time that so many professing believers take to worry and stress and provoke and harass the single people of God about marriage, it would be much better spent if they exerted those energies on actually obeying the Lord and getting busy doing what he said to do.

If they were busy doing what they ought, they would not have the time to attack single people and look down at them and consider them as failures in life, which is the foolishness that the devil has planted in their minds.

As I close, there is a thought I want you to ponder. Believe it or not, there are some single men and women of God that have MORE FAVOUR on their lives and that are living MORE PLEASING to God than some professing believers who are married! There are some single men and women of God who are MORE WITHIN THE PERFECT WILL OF GOD than some of their Christian counterparts who are married at this present time or have been married.

Let the truth of these words and their implications sink in.

(Written on 20th and 28th June, 2026)