341. THE SELFISH MAN

(The Single Woman Series – Batch 6)

Dear Daughter of God,

If you have relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, as you claim, then you have seen and experienced first-hand, his awesome love for you and his Church. You have read of his testimony, as provided in the Word of God, the Bible, of how he selflessly and sacrificially came down to earth and died for your sins and that of the whole world. You have also seen examples of what it means to be honourable and selfless, as recorded in the lives of godly men like Boaz and both the Old Testament and New Testament Josephs, particularly in relation to the people they sincerely cared about.

You fully well know that Ephesians 5:25-29 commands men who profess to know Christ as their Lord and Saviour, to love their wives, in the same manner that Christ demonstrated his love for the Church. His was a fervent love, a selfless love, a sacrificial love, where he willingly paid the price so that you could go free.

The standard for any man claiming to care about you, to love you, to want to be in a relationship with you and to marry you is therefore a high standard and that standard is selfless and sacrificial commitment. A man should love you to the extent, where, if you are in a valley or faced with danger, he will not run and leave you but will be there with you and for you, prepared to step forward and protectively cover you and to even lay down his life for you, if necessary.

The scripture commands:

  • Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church.

John 15:13 also declares of Jesus, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

That being said, you have been given precious guidance from God’s Word, as to the main characteristics that a man who professes to know the Lord, should possess and therefore demonstrate, if he claims to love and care for you. You have been given vital clues as to what to look for, among other things, when it comes to the important question of who to court and who to marry.

Words are cheap and the outward appearance can be deceptive but when it comes to that man that says he is interested in you or that you are in a relationship with, do his actions measure up? Is he marriage material?

Truth be told, some men have no room in their hearts to love anyone else but themselves. In such a case, there is nothing that you can do to make them love you.

Their heart is already full to capacity with self-devotion and self-focus and they are all about pursuing the things that they want and desire. They see you as a means to them fulfilling their goals and not as a person in your own right. They regard life from a completely self-oriented lens and so, they have no place for you in their life, really, even if they try to dupe you with words to the contrary, so that self could receive some benefit.

Truth be told, a man that is wrapped up in self is useless when it comes to a love relationship. For, he will always expect to get, see no need to give and resent anyone who seeks to get him to change his perspective. He operates from a place of entitlement and considers how everything he does, will benefit him first, not anyone else. The Bible tells us that as Christians, we should esteem others better than ourselves and consider others before ourselves and cater to the needs of others, not just ourselves (Philippians 2:3-5; Galatians 6:2) but all of this is lost on the guy that is all about himself.

Such a man will use you to elevate himself or to project an image to the public where he looks good. He will exploit your relationship so as to attract attention from others, even envy, so that the spotlight will be on him. Believe me, it is not about you. It was never about you and will never be.

Such a man is highly inconsiderate, preoccupied with trying to chase after his dreams and his career and his life and the things that he loves or considers important to him and the thought of putting anyone before himself or to have to give up or sacrifice his time, effort or anything that is precious to him, so as to please you or advance your welfare, is considered by him as completely preposterous.

He makes statements like, “I want this” and “I want that”, giving no thought to what you want or to what you need. He will make comments like, “I want her because she does this or that for me or because she makes me feel a certain way or because I can see where she can help elevate me” but when you ask him what he is bringing to the table, he gives you a puzzled look as if to say, “What?” The thought that he too is required to have something that a woman would want, never crossed his mind and he finds the question absurd. In his mind, all that mattered was what he wanted, end of story, as only what he wanted, had any relevance.

He is not supportive and he can’t be understanding. He will also never see things from your perspective or give thought as to how his actions and inactions impact on you.

Make no mistake: Love is selfless, sacrificial and giving, as was perfectly demonstrated by our Lord Jesus Christ. A man that is in love with himself is therefore incapable of selflessly attending to your needs and you can’t change him. Irrespective of his income, he doesn’t have enough money to spend on himself or to save in his bank account, much less to spend on you, to woo you or to make you feel special. He doesn’t have enough hours in the day to do all that he is after, much less to have to save some to spend with you. In short, such a man is too deep into his self-bubble, to ever be able to accommodate you in a relationship.

To align yourself with such a man therefore, where all he sees is “me, me, me”, means that his wants and needs may be met but you will end up with the short end of the bargain. If you make the mistake of marrying him, you will undoubtedly be miserable, exhausted from always having to give to him, while not receiving anything selflessly in return. Worse yet, no matter what you do, he will never be satisfied, as self-preoccupation is never satisfied with the efforts of others. It always wants more and in its entitlement, feels that it is deserving of more.

It therefore behooves you, dear Christian daughter, to choose wisely. As many women in broken relationships have discovered, not all men that glitter are gold. Not all men that are in the Church membership, involved in ministry activities or that even take the pulpit, have the capacity to give love and to the extent that Christ requires it and that you deserve.

(Written on 14th September, 2024)

Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be interesting, informative, beneficial or edifying, you may also be interested in reading the following, in addition to some of the topics in the tables below:

  • Note 18 – ‘You Cannot Change Him’
  • Note 137 – ‘Who To Marry?’
  • Note 320 – ‘Wanted: Real Men’
  • Note 337 – ‘Why I Need Him To Pursue’

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