322. SHOULD I ALLOW HIM TO PURSUE?

(The Single Woman Series – Batch 5)

This was the question I was faced with recently and had to prayerfully seek the Lord’s wisdom on.

I have written many Articles so far on choosing the right one and provided many factors to consider to ensure that you end up marrying the right one, as in the one that God wants you to spend your life with. However, I may have touched on it in the past but I hadn’t given much thought to how you decide what to do from the get-go, when there is a guy that you’re eyeing, who you find attractive and who seems to be sort of eyeing you too or who has made it clear to you that he is interested in getting to know you better and wants to see where it could lead.

What do you do in such a situation? If approached and you like him too, how do you answer? Even if he hasn’t approached (as yet), how do you make up your mind, when you’re interested, as to whether you should allow this man to court you, to see where it leads?

I ask this question because time is a precious commodity. We cannot afford to waste it. I feel the pain of so many women, who allowed a guy to court them, entered into a relationship with him because he seemed godly (and sometimes he really was) but then a year or so into the relationship (and sometimes even longer), realize that he was not God’s will for their lives as they were not compatible or there is something that they are so disagreed upon, that it is impossible to move forward. They look back at the year or more that they wasted with regret. Although as human beings, no matter how hard we try, we are prone to making mistakes, I believe that all of this could have been avoided, had they been more careful from the onset, in seeking God’s counsel from his Word and through prayer, as to whether to start something with the guy or not.

At my age, I am firm about not wasting time with the wrong one. Even if he is a Christian and I like him, I want to make sure that starting to get to know him better and investing time in him, is of the Lord and not just my flesh. I want when I allow a guy to pursue me, although I don’t know everything about him and will therefore be continuing to do my due diligence prayerfully along the way that hopefully leads to marriage, that I believe in my heart that God is orchestrating things and willing us to move forward.

With this in mind, being faced with the question recently, as to whether, should I be approached by a guy I liked, I should allow him to pursue, I realized that I better make up my mind quick and not just leave things to chance. I didn’t want a situation where he approached and I not know what to say or where I stood. The worst thing is to be unprepared.

I therefore sought the Lord’s counsel. The guy may never approach but just in case he decided to, I wanted to be ready with an answer, whether yes, I’m interested or no thank you.

After about two weeks of praying about this issue and extracting valuable principles from God’s Word, the Bible, I decided that for me, the following are important cues in determining if aligning myself with the gentleman is of the Lord or not:

Firstly, ask yourself the question: DID IT START WITH FAITH? That is, HAS FAITH IN GOD BEEN CENTRAL TO THE THEME? From the very onset, even before you met the man was faith the start-point?

For example, in the true story of Isaac and Rebekah, before they even met, faith in God was the start-point. It was the central theme. Abraham sent his servant to his household far away, in faith, believing that God would provide a bride there for his son Isaac. The servant went to exactly where he told him to go and although he had not a clue how to find the right one, in faith, he prayed to God, asking him to provide someone who would exhibit certain specific qualities.

In faith, Rebekah’s family, her brother Laban, her mother and her father Bethuel, all were convinced by faith, that it was God’s will that Isaac be married to Rebekah and so in faith, they consented to her leaving them to go to him. In faith, when they asked Rebekah if she would go, she said she would.

The whole meeting of Isaac and Rebekah therefore, started with faith in God and continued with faith. When Rebekah saw Isaac, he had been meditating, in faith, in the field, before his God. Faith in God should therefore be the first indicator that you look for, as to whether this man could be God’s will for your life, even if he is a Christian. Faith, not desperation or someone trying their best to match-make you in their own strength or anything contrived or physical attraction, should be at the core. If faith in God is not at the start but something else is, then it is not of God.

Secondly, ask yourself IS GOD’S SOVEREIGNTY BEING ALLOWED IN THE SITUATION? Is it a situation where you have allowed the Lord to intervene and to have his way and to do whatever he wants to do, over and above the will of man? Is there space for him to operate freely, as he pleases or is someone trying to usurp his role (even if well-intended), so as to make things happen in their own strength?

In the story with Rebekah and Isaac, Abraham’s servant acknowledged the sovereignty of God when he prayed, asking him to do the matchmaking as he saw fit. Rebekah’s family acknowledged the sovereignty of the Lord, when they heard the servant’s story and so, submitted without reservation, to God’s plan, although it meant that Rebekah would be leaving them and going to live in a far off land.

If God’s will is being stifled (so-to-speak) or crowded out by the will of men, then he is usually not in it. If for example, some lady who is well-meaning is doing all that she can to put the two of you together, by running back and forth and telling you one thing about the guy, then going to him and telling him things about you, in the hope that you both decide to get together, the Lord is featuring nowhere in that equation. He is not being allowed to be sovereign.

If something were to be started therefore, you cannot then honestly say that it was the Lord that brought you together but that woman and this is not glorifying to God but to a person. God is all about HIS glory and if you ask him to be sovereign and to extract all of the glory by aligning you with whoever he wants, whenever he wants, however he wants, because he is faithful, if you are his child and are sincere about this request, I believe that he will do it.

He is the best matchmaker and the best at orchestrating. He does not need help from anyone to do what he desires to do. He can opt to use people yes but often times, they don’t even realize that God was using them until after. In that way, he (God) gets the glory, not the person. If God is not being acknowledged and he is not being allowed to be Lord in that situation but someone (especially if that someone is not a Christian but even if that someone is a Christian) is trying his or her very best to bring you and the person together, then be careful. Watch out. This is a red flag. The thing is most likely not from the Lord.

Thirdly, although there is much you don’t know about the guy, DO YOU HAVE A PEACE IN MOVING FORWARD? Do you sense that this is what God wants you to do and that he has given you the green light to allow this man to pursue and court you? Or do you feel trepidation, unsure, uncertain or not at peace about something, even if you can’t quite put your hands on what it is exactly?

God is able to give his children peace and I don’t think that he just gives this when you’re with the one he wants you to be with before you get proposed to and married but even from the get-go, if you acknowledge him, I believe that if the thing is of the Lord, he will give you a sense of peace in moving forward. He will let you know that it is okay to get to know the guy some more and to allow him to get to know you.

Rebekah had that peace, although she had never met Isaac and knew nothing about him. She had that peace because it was given to her by the Lord and he gave it to her because the union was of him.

If you don’t feel at peace about the issue, maybe because you wisely and prayerfully surfed the guy’s Facebook or other social media pages and saw some things about what he believes that trouble you, then this is a red flag. Don’t ignore it. You are feeling troubled for a reason. Leave the situation alone. You should not allow someone to begin to court you, if you are not at peace about it or something about that person, no matter how nice he seems, is bothering you.

Fourthly, although you will continually be assessing this man throughout the courtship to determine if he is the one and if you should marry him eventually (as he should be doing with you), do you sense from the get-go with the little that you know about him, that HIS LEADERSHIP IS ONE THAT YOU CAN TRUST? CAN YOU SENSE THAT YOU WILL BE SAFE WITH HIM?

Do you sense that he will lead you closer to your Lord and help you to become more spiritually mature or is there something about his leadership ability that you are unsure of? When you think of him, the little you know of him, do you sense safety and security or instability, pain and trouble?

Once again, this is a red flag. Never align yourself with a guy if you have qualms as to where he will lead you and if you are worried that he may lead you down the path of compromise and away from your Lord. Don’t ignore how you feel or try to dismiss that voice within you that tells you that you can’t trust him to lead you and a future family. If he is not grounded in the Word of God, even if he is a Christian, then he can’t effectively lead you. If he lacks a certain level of spiritual maturity, to see life the way that God sees it, then he can’t lead you.

Fifthly, as I heard a Pastor state recently on Caribbean Radio Lighthouse (available online), look for four C’s, early on, as to whether you should move forward. These are: CHASTITY, CHARACTER, COMMITMENT TO GOD AND COMPATIBILITY.

CHASTITY – What is his view on purity? Does his view and conduct align with God’s Word on the subject?

CHARACTER – What is his character like? What kind of reputation does he have? Is he a gentleman? Is he a man of his word? Does he remind you of the Old and New Testament Josephs and Boaz, men of noble character or not? How does he treat people?

COMMITMENT TO GOD – Is he committed to the Lord and to his Word? Does he love and embrace God’s truth and live by it and does he spend time in prayer? What are his values and are they aligned to what you know to be true about the Word of God or does he claim to be a Christian but live in disobedience in some regard and without remorse or repentance? For example, the Word of God says not to the love the world. Does he seem to love it, to fit in with it and to therefore hate separation? If so, this is quite telling about how he truly feels about the Word of God and how highly he esteems it. Are you agreed on the fundamentals of your faith and the spiritual beliefs that you hold dear, does he also believe and uphold them or does he not care for them or oppose them?

COMPATIBILITY – Given your personality and who you are as a person are the both of you compatible? Do you all share a sense of humour and common excitement for life? Can you see this man, based on the little you know about him, as someone you could excitingly enjoy life with or does he seem boring to you? Are your God-given gifts and purpose complimentary? Do you have similar values and common interests? You are not looking for a clone but you want to be with someone that gets you and where he gets you as well. If for example, you are deep feeling and want someone that also has the capacity to give that depth of emotion, then you need to avoid some men who are not willing to be deeply emotionally invested in a relationship and marriage, ever. If you are romantic, you don’t want to be with someone that does not intend to ever buy you flowers or to get you a gift or to take you out on those special days like your birthday, your anniversary and so on. If you love dressing up and going to functions but he hates leaving the house, then this will be a problem in the marriage. You will end up being a long ranger at these events. Notably, marriage was never meant to be boring but if you choose someone that you are incompatible with it just might end up that way. It may seem a drudgery and a bore and have you regretting your irreversible choice, big time.

(Written on 26th March, 2023)

Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be interesting, informative or beneficial, you may be interested in reading the following:

Note 55 – ‘I Want To Go Where I Have Never Been Before’
Note 323 – ‘When God Gives You The Green Light’
Note 128 – ‘God-Sent Or Just God-ly?’
Note 147 – ‘How To Tell If He’s Your God-Sent Or Just God-ly’
Note 8 – ‘My Quick Ten Point Checklist – Is He The One?‘
Note 51 – ‘Characteristics Of A Counterfeit‘
Note 18 – ‘You Cannot Change Him’
Note 21 – ‘When He Doesn’t See Your Worth’
Note 53 – ‘God-sent vs Devil-sent – The Difference’
Note 58 – ‘To Tell If He’s The One Put On Your Spiritual Glasses’
Note 69 – ‘Taking On His Last Name – Is It Significant?’
Note 130 – ‘Ladies, How Long Are You Prepared To Wait?’
Note 144 – ‘Before You Say ‘I Do’
Note 145 – ‘Does He Love You Or Lust You?’
Note 148 – ‘What Does The Bible Say About Being Unequally Yoked With An Unbeliever’
Note 258 – ‘The Man Of The World vs The Man Of God’
Note 260 – ‘Common Sense Tips For Choosing The Right One’
Note 271 – ‘Not Just Any Man Will Do – My Top Ten (10) Pet Peeves In A Man’
Note 275 – ‘How God Wants Us To Treat With Our Idols’
Note 300 – ‘God’s Traffic System’

Additionally, under the ‘COURTING OR ENGAGED’ Daughters Page:

Note 68 – ‘Wilt Thou Go With This Man?’
Note 16 – ‘Dear Christian, Does God Approve Of Your Relationship?’
Note 42 – ‘Making The Wrong Decision Can Be Costly – When You Don’t Wait On God To Introduce Your Spouse‘
Note 62 – ‘I Being In The Way, The Lord Led Me – A Match Made In Heaven’
Note 63 – ‘Who To Marry?’
Note 67 – ‘Are You Making The Right Choice?’