25. WHEN LONELINESS AND IMPATIENCE SET IN

(The Single Woman Series)

I’m feeling a bit low at the moment because as much as I enjoy my own company and have had great times being single, lately I’ve been feeling quite lonely and longing for companionship.

Maybe its because I moved back to another island (which I’ll call Work City) in June and live by myself and don’t really have many friends in this environment. Some walked away from me over the years and those that have remained, I hardly ever see because of everyone’s busy schedules.

Yet, I feel that this loneliness is not really for a friendship with peers but out of a longing to meet and to start to get to know the one I am to marry.

I haven’t felt this way in years and am content with whatever state God would have me in but lately, I’ve been needing his strength to avoid feeling dejected.

There is a Bible verse that states that hope deferred maketh the heart sick and I think that that may be what is happening to me. I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting and hoping and hoping but week after week, month after month and year after year, this future husband-to-be, has been a no show.

What is taking him so long? Why doesn’t he get here already?

To make matters worse, prior to my returning to the smaller island which I’m from (which I’ll call Home Town), there was a guy that I noticed and found to be incredibly attractive at the Church I was attending in Work City. I noticed him since 2014 but he never has me.

I then left Work City in early 2015 and went back to my birth island, Home Town, based on God’s instructions. However, in June 2016, the Lord had me return to Work City and I re-commenced my attendance at the same Church as before. The problem is, I have found that I am still attracted to the same guy who continues to attend, although I know absolutely nothing about him and we have never met.

I know better than to place any confidence in my flesh and that physical attraction on its own, has no merit or substance whatsoever. However, I will admit that I do have a desire to get to know him, to determine if there is any substance within that extremely attractive exterior. However, given that I am reserved for God’s perfect will for my life, if he is not the one, I want absolutely nothing to do with him.

I absolutely hate being attracted to a guy who doesn’t even know I exist, especially when he may be nothing but a distraction. I have learned that whatever is not God’s will for my life, no matter how nicely it is packaged or presented, it is nothing but a distraction.

When I attend Church, I don’t cause my eyes to go looking for him in the service anymore and keep focused on the Word being presented. However, as much as I try to avoid it, I still sometimes see him sitting somewhere without the intention of looking and I must confess that the attraction is still there.

I have entrusted the situation into God’s hands because I cannot afford any distractions. Nonetheless, while temporarily at Home Town some months ago, I was on Facebook doing something and this guy’s picture and name suddenly appeared in my Facebook details, as someone I may know. I think this happened because apparently, we had people in common on both our pages and Facebook was recommending him as a friend.

As a result, I know his name and I am not pleased. Given my analytical nature (which sometimes works to my detriment), I clicked on his page but could not see anything other than his profile and cover picture because of his settings. My curiosity being aroused, I then typed his name into ‘linked in’ while being logged out and learned that we had studied the very same Masters programme at the very same institution, although I had done it some years before him.

I was disappointed with myself because I felt like my actions were beginning to amount to me pursuing a man, which I promised myself not to ever do again and so, to avoid checking his page (I know myself), I added him to my block list on Facebook and did not go back on ‘linked in’.

This has been the case for several months. However, recently, I thought of how ridiculous I was being to block someone who I had never even met and feeling able to control myself better, I unblocked him.

I have not been going to his Page on Facebook or ‘linked in’ though and for the most part, I don’t even think about this person during the week. It is only when I am attending Church at Work City on Sundays that I remember him, especially when I happen to accidentally glance his way. It would be lovely to attend service and not see him in the crowd but somehow, despite the fact that the Church has perhaps a few hundreds in attendance, I always tend to notice him, without even looking.

God’s timing and choice of a spouse is best and I am prepared to wait on Him. I just need his strength to handle situations like this when I am attracted to a distraction (which he most likely is) and keep seeing the person over and over again within the same setting. I consider him a distraction because God has not told me that he is the one and he has not seen it fit to date, to present me to him. Therefore, at this point, until and unless God gives further notice, he is nothing but a distraction.

Today, I saw him again although I had not been looking (Ughhh!) and given that my being attracted to him was still there, I entrusted the situation into God’s hands again. I also prayed for him that he would draw closer to God and that the Lord would provide him with the wife that HE wanted for him in HIS timing. Despite how I feel (and I know that physical attraction is superficial), I know that whatever God wants for his life is best. I am therefore fine if God were not to select him as THE ONE for me.

It is the not knowing who he has selected for me and when he will be coming, that makes me sad sometimes but alas, I am not in control, God is.

I would ideally like a man to notice me first before I even know he exists, not the other way around and this has not been the case with this particular gentleman so I am on my guard. Unless God changes my labeling of him by having him approach me, I consider him to be nothing more than an attractive distraction. And even if he were to somehow make it to the point of noticing me and approaching me, given that I noticed him first and for so long and that I know nothing about him, I intend to still be on my guard and subject him to my spiritual litmus test.

I am convinced that the man God wants for me will notice me (whoever he is I hope soon) and approach me. I long to put a face to the man I am to marry and not knowing who or when, can sometimes be nerve-racking. But yet, God has everything that pertains to me covered.

Admittedly, the waiting is getting to be a bit difficult, especially as I am getting older with each minute but despite how I feel, I know that God’s plan for me is best. I may feel a bit sad yes but when God is ready, he will turn my sadness into joy. Even now, there is still so much he is working on in me and in my heart, bringing poor attitudes to the foot of the cross and I am grateful.

Father in heaven, please give me the strength while I wait on you to make your presentation. I want to be aligned to the man that you want for me and nobody else. Help me when I see men that I am attracted to, where they are not the one that you have chosen for me. Help me to control how I feel, to stay focused and to wait on you for the one you have ordained for me to marry, to approach me. I have no idea who he is or where he is or what he looks like or when and how he will come and sometimes Lord, not knowing the details of your schedule for me, makes me sad and a bit restless.

I admit Lord, that week after week as I attend the Church service, although I do not go to look for a husband, I tend to feel a bit sad upon leaving because it has been yet another week, of me not having been noticed by anyone. But Lord, I know that you can use any environment you please, to bless me with the meeting of my husband-to-be.

Help me not to feel inadequate Lord because no one has noticed me in the crowd to date and thank you for honouring my prayer in keeping all of the wrong men from me.

Calm my emotions Lord and I thank you in advance for making the wait worth it, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

(Written on 4^th September, 2016)

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