19. YOU ARE NOT PERFECT – CAN HE HANDLE THAT?

(The Single Woman Series)

I know that some of you are like, what kind of question is that? Aren’t relationships about presenting your best self?

Well, ladies, I ask the question because we live in an imperfect world and as hard as we try, we come with imperfections. Some of us even have baggage. The question is therefore, do you have a man at your side that loves you with not just your strengths but your weaknesses, not just your successes but your failures, not just your good character traits but also your flaws? Do you have at your side, a man that will help you through your issues, even as you are prepared to help him with his?

If you’re with a man that expects you to remain as slim and as fit as a fiddle with hair perfectly coiffed at all times, breath always fresh and your makeup on point, then that is not a relationship. That is pressure!

If your nails have to be perfect and your eyebrows always plucked and you always well-mannered and your outfit always fashionable and well-ironed, then you’re not in a real relationship.

The fact is that sometimes, your hair will be a mess, there are days when you may put on a pound or two, your face may break out with a pimple here and there and on some occasions (hopefully rare), your breath may not be very pleasant. Such is life.

The person you are courting/dating/getting to know is not perfect either. Sometimes, he belches after a meal or may emit foul stenches without first exiting the room. After meeting you for an evening out, directly from his long hard day at work, you may smell perspiration and he may be a bit grumpy.

The long and short of it is this: It is important when you are getting to know someone who you think may be your future spouse, to check whether he passes this VERY important litmus test. That is, you should ask yourself, does he appreciate imperfection?

Women always know it. You know if you’re in a relationship right now or seeing someone right now or getting to know him better, whether you feel pressured to present your best self at ALL times. Or, you may always feel like you don’t measure up to his high standards and always need to try a bit harder to please him, even if it means changing yourself. If so, that is not a good sign.

Mind you, I know how we as women can get if we see a guy we like. We select the best clothes to wear, spend twice the time in front of the mirror and pay careful attention to how we appear before them. That is understandable.

The problem arises though, if, in your getting to know someone or actually being in a relationship with him, you feel like you can never unwind and relax or show your true colours. You feel like you’re playing a bit of hide and seek because you’ve got to hide your true nature or all that you are or some aspects of who you are, to keep him. You feel like you can’t be your true self or that you have to appear perfect all the time and say the right things all the time, for fear of non-acceptance and….rejection!

While you may be pleasing him with the false image of perfection that you feel forced to project, you are losing yourself in the process. That cannot be good. If you have to pretend to be what you are not or his standard for a relationship is unrealistic to expect of any imperfect human being, then maybe you are with the wrong person.

If he can’t stand how you laugh or how you eat or the fact that you sometimes nibble on your nails or have nail polish on some parts while some remain bare, then you are in for major stress.

You may not let on that you feel pressured to be perfect or you may not have even realized that you are but if you’re not happy, maybe that could be one of the reasons why?

It is important that a man accepts and loves a woman with her good, bad and ugly ways. He does not have to love the ugly ways and it is not an excuse for her to continue nurturing her weaknesses and bad habits without improving herself but he ought to love her despite what he does not like about her. The things that she can change that are weaknesses and ugly in character, he should be honest with her about them, feel free to constructively criticize but only so that he can then encourage her lovingly to change. The quirks that are a part of her though, which are not bad character traits per se but ways and habits that he finds irritating, if they are so much a part of her that she cannot change them or at least not easily, he ought to embrace because the extent of the love, respect and admiration that he has for her, far outweigh those minor irritations.

You want a man that will pursue you from the perspective that no one is perfect, not even himself and not one who will put you high on a pedestal and then demote you slowly every time one of your flaws (and you know you have plenty!) is revealed.

You want a man that, if after you’ve married him and had a child and gain some rolls around the belly area and your nose stretches, that he still finds you attractive and still wants you as a wife by his side. You want a man that if, God forbid, you were to get a serious illness or get into an accident or lose some of your looks, he would still love you and still remain with you, not out of guilt but out of genuine affection.

That is why it is so important to examine what a man means when he says he loves you. In listening to a so-called Christian radio station some time ago and hearing people call in about relationships, I recognized that not many people, not even some professing Christians, understand what love is. Many confuse it with lust or how the person makes THEM feel. Yet true love is not about a person verbally professing this to another, at all. It is about wanting the best for the other person, investing in the success of the other person, esteeming the other person and that person’s welfare above your own and desiring to selflessly serve that person for that person’s good and to advance that person’s God-given purpose in so far as you are able.

What love is has been defined in the Bible and it doesn’t say that it is about how hot a person looks or how great that person makes another person feel. Nor does it say that to be loved, you must be perfect!

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 states of love (charity) as follows:

  • “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”

Notice that love suffereth long, that love beareth ALL things and that love endureth ALL things.

That means that someone who genuinely loves you will give you constructive criticism and want to see you improve on your weaknesses but he will not constantly badger you or demand that you change those things. Additionally, for those things you cannot change in your own strength and those things that are just a part of imperfect you, he will exercise patience, understanding, tolerance (not acceptance) and love you nonetheless.

There is a certain beauty that lies in the imperfection as one writer once recorded and the man that God wants for you will not expect you to always stay at a standard that is unrealistic and based on his idea of the perfect woman. He will allow you to be down-to-earth, make up or not, hair neat or not, good day or not, well-mannered or not, grumpy or not, a little food stuck between your teeth right after a meal or not and still see, love and appreciate the priceless gem in you.

The long and short of it is this: The right man is the one that has seen your ways (or at least most of them) and when he considers your good, your bad and your oh so ugly, he doesn’t like all of IT but he loves all of YOU and he STILL considers himself to be mightily blessed to have you (and nobody else) in his life and by his side.

(Written on 20th August, 2016)

Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be interesting, informative, edifying or beneficial, you may also be interested in the following:

  • Note 145 – ‘Does He ‘Love’ You Or ‘Lust’ You?’
  • Note 262 – ‘What A Love!’
  • Note 266 – ‘What Is Romantic Love?’

Additionally, under ‘COURTING OR ENGAGED Daughters of God’ Page”

  • Note 15 – ‘Does He Love You Fervently?’

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