75. SHOULD CHILDREN (INCLUDING ADULTS) OBEY THEIR PARENTS?

(The Courting Or Engaged Series – Batch 3)

To answer the question of whether children, including adult children, need to obey their parents, I think it is important to look at the Word of God, the Bible and what it has to say on this topic. In this regard, I will begin by making reference to 2 Timothy 3:16-17, which states:

“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.”

These verses clearly tell us, that God intended us to derive useful lessons, wise principles and guidance on how we should live, when reading and meditating upon his Word. Having established that (and I am sure that every Bible-believing person agrees), one of the clear, consistent and undeniable principles of wisdom that can be extracted from the Bible is that of honoring, respecting and obeying one’s parents.

Ephesians 6:1-3 for example, commands:

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.”

Quite clearly, although it may present a shock to our society and culture today, this respect and obedience is to be given, even by an adult child. No age limit was provided in the verse. Notice carefully, that in the book of Genesis, all of Jacob’s twelve sons, although adult men with wives and families of their own, showed respect and gave honour to their father, up to the day of his death. Although Joseph’s brothers, for selfish purposes, kept the secret of what they had done to Joseph for a number of years until they could not hide it any longer and this was indeed dishonouring to their father, other than that, it is clear that Jacob’s sons respected him greatly and obeyed him without opposition. When he instructed them to go down to Egypt to buy bread in the famine therefore, they all went except Benjamin but only because he did not instruct him to go. When the food was finished and he told his ten sons to go again, they all did, along with Benjamin, given that the man who was second in command to Pharaoh, had told them to bring him along when they returned.

Jacob himself was obedient to his parents as a man over forty and of marriageable age. When they had earlier told him to go to his mother’s family in a far country and to not take a wife of the Canaanite women, he obeyed.

As an aside, it is important to note that the obedience expected of a child to his or her parents is not a blind and blanket obedience, where the child must do any and everything the parent says to do. This is not the case at all. The reality is that some parents give bad and even evil instructions and advice, which, if the child were to obey them, it would cause that child to sin, get into trouble or mess up his or her life.

This was the case with king Ahaziah, who obeyed the evil advice and instructions given by his mother, to his detriment. 2 Chronicles 22:3-4 says of him, that:

“He also walked in the ways of the house of Ahab: for his mother was his counsellor to do wickedly. Wherefore he did evil in the sight of the Lord like the house of Ahab: for they were his counsellors after the death of his father to his destruction.”

King Ahaziah was not blessed of God for following his mother’s instructions, as in obeying her to do wickedly, he disobeyed God. Proverbs 16:12 clearly states, “It is an abomination to kings to commit wickedness: for the throne is established by righteousness.” Yet, king Ahaziah did wickedly because his mother instructed him to do so. God therefore saw to it that he was destroyed, as he is a God that loves righteousness.

Psalm 11:4-7 says of the Lord:

“The Lord is in his holy temple, the Lord’s throne is in heaven: his eyes behold, his eyelids try, the children of men.The Lord trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth.Upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire and brimstone, and an horrible tempest: this shall be the portion of their cup.For the righteous Lord loveth righteousness; his countenance doth behold the upright.”

Whereas king Ahaziah displeased God when he obeyed the wicked counsel of his mother, king Asa pleased God when, in seeking to obey him by living right, he removed his mother from being Queen because she had used her influence and position to do wickedly.

2 Chronicles 15:16 reads:

“And also concerning Maachah the mother of Asa the king, he removed her from being queen, because she had made an idol in a grove: and Asa cut down her idol, and stamped it, and burnt it at the brook Kidron.“

The key thing to note therefore is that the command given in Ephesians 6:1-3 is that the child must obey his or her parents IN THE LORD. I take this to mean that there are times when it is right and good and just in God’s sight, for a child not to obey his parents and to take courses of action that they are not in favour of, provided that it is what God wants that child to do. This was demonstrated by king Asa and even by Gideon, who God instructed to throw down and destroy his father’s idols. This would not at all have been pleasing to his father but he put obeying the heavenly God over the will of his earthly father, to do that which was right in his heavenly sight.

Judges 6:24-27 states:

“Then Gideon built an altar there unto the Lord, and called it Jehovahshalom: unto this day it is yet in Ophrah of the Abiezrites. And it came to pass the same night, that the Lord said unto him, Take thy father’s young bullock, even the second bullock of seven years old, and throw down the altar of Baal that thy father hath, and cut down the grove that is by it: And build an altar unto the Lord thy God upon the top of this rock, in the ordered place, and take the second bullock, and offer a burnt sacrifice with the wood of the grove which thou shalt cut down. Then Gideon took ten men of his servants, and did as the Lord had said unto him: and so it was, because he feared his father’s household, and the men of the city, that he could not do it by day, that he did it by night.”

God will therefore sometimes call a child to do something that is not pleasing to his or her parents and to even disobey them, if need be, so as to obey Him. He is the ultimate Father to those who have been brought into his divine family by faith in his Son Jesus Christ and his instructions are to override every other instruction, including that given by earthly parents. As Peter and the other apostles stated in Acts 5:29, “…We ought to obey God rather than men.”

That it is God’s instructions and will first and everyone else after, was clear when Jesus bluntly stated, “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.“

The child should therefore obey his or her parents IN THE LORD, which I take to mean that he or she is to obey godly parents, who genuinely seek to live godly lives and give godly counsel, godly counsel simply meaning, that which God approves of.

I believe then, that where the direction an adult child wishes to go is at variance with the will of his or her parents, if that child knows that those parents are professing believers in the Lord, who, although not perfect, have generally set a good and godly example in how they have lived and continue to live, once their instruction as to what that child should or shouldn’t do, does not go against, undermine or contradict what God’s Word says or what that child genuinely believes that God is telling him or her to do (in which case, God’s will should overrule), that child, irrespective of his or her age, should take heed to what his or her parents are saying and give their counsel prayerful consideration, before arriving at a decision. For, undoubtedly, there is generally wise counsel to be had and to benefit from, when instructions and advice are given by truly godly parents. Them having been used by God to bring us into the world, having more years of life experience than us, having a relationship with God and therefore a link to heaven and being endowed by God with a special blessing that they alone can bestow on their children, a child usually chooses the path of blessing when he or she obeys godly parents and conversely, the path of curses, destruction, sorrow and regret, when he or she chooses otherwise.

It is clear in the scriptures, that a child that disregards the counsel of godly parents, particularly in the area of love relationships, usually suffers loss in the end. The opposite is generally true when he or she obeys. Blessings usually flow.

For example, Jacob obeyed the instructions of both his mother and father in Genesis 27:43-44 and 28:1-2 and throughout his life, although he had his share of difficulties and trouble, he was blessed by God and mightily so. He enjoyed his presence, his protection, his provision and so much more.

Rebekah his mother who loved him dearly, told him, when she got wind of Esau her other son’s plan to kill him, “Now therefore my son, obey my voice; and arise, flee thou to Laban my brother to Haran. And tarry with him a few says, until thy brother’s fury turn away.” In verse 46 of chapter 27, as to who Jacob should select as wife, his mother told his father Isaac, “…I am weary of my life because of the daughters of Heth: if Jacob take a wife of the daughters of Heth, such as these which are of the daughters of the land, what good shall my life do me?”

Verse 1-2 of chapter 28 then states:

“And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan. Arise, go to Padan-aram, to the house of Bethuel thy mother’s father; and take thee a wife from thence of the daughters of Laban thy mother’s brother.”

Indeed, when delivering the instruction, Isaac pronounced blessing and multiplication on Jacob his son, it being clear that this would be his portion once he obeyed. In verses 3-4, after instructing him, Isaac told him:

“And God Almighty bless thee, and make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, that thou mayest be a multitude of people; And give thee the blessing of Abraham, to thee, and to thy seed with thee; that thou mayest inherit the land…”

Jacob’s decision when instructed by his parents (who were both godly people although not perfect) was therefore critical and he made the right choice. He obeyed. Not surprisingly therefore, he reaped manifold blessings in his life.

Esau his twin brother on the other hand, took the wrong path. He himself had, by the time Jacob had been instructed by his parents, married two ungodly, heathen women, decisions which grieved both Isaac and Rebekah. Genesis 26:34-35 states “And Esau was forty years old when he took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite: Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and to Rebekah.”

The fact that his parents were sorrowful over his decisions to marry these women, tells me that Esau either got engaged and/or married to both of them without telling his parents (which would have been disrespectful and dishonouring to them) or disobeyed and disregarded their counsel not to marry these women, by going ahead and still marrying them.

None of these two scenarios augured well for Esau, him having brought curses on his life through his own poor choices. Not surprisingly therefore, he lost out on the blessings that came with the birthright of having been born first. This was bestowed upon Jacob, who he made another poor choice years earlier, to sell his birthright to. Now, standing outside of God’s favour, him having made the choice to disrespect, disregard or disobey his parents in his choice of wives, Esau, beginning to understand the ramifications of his poor choices, took note of how Jacob had been instructed of his parents and that he obeyed.

Genesis 28:6-9 states:

“When Esau saw that Isaac had blessed Jacob, and sent him away to Padan-aram, to take him a wife from thence; and that as he blessed him he gave him a charge, saying, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan; And that Jacob obeyed his father and his mother, and was gone to Padan-aram; And Esau seeing that the daughters of Canaan pleased not Isaac his father; Then went Esau unto Ishmael, and took unto the wives which he had Mahalath the daughter of Ishmael Abraham’s son, the sister of Nebajoth, to be his wife.”

Esau therefore sought to make reparations, in taking a third wife who was from the family of Isaac. However, it was too late for him. Ishmael his father’s half-brother having been conceived through desperation and faithlessness, outside of God’s promise to Abraham and to an Egyptian woman Hagar, Esau marrying Ishmael’s daughter was not a good choice. In trying to make amends according to his own intellect, he messed himself up even more.

Whereas God appeared to Jacob when he was sleeping and while on his long journey to Rebekah’s relatives and thereafter told him, “…behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest…”, Esau received no such promise. In fact, in Malachi 1:2-4, of Esau and his descendants the Edomites, God stated through his prophet many years later, after both Jacob and Esau had left earth’s scene:

“Was not Esau Jacob’s brother? saith the Lord: yet I loved Jacob, And I hated Esau, and laid his mountains and his heritage waste for the dragons of the wilderness. Whereas Edom saith, We are impoverished, but we will return and build the desolate places; thus saith the Lord of hosts, They shall build, but I will throw down; and they shall call them, The border of wickedness, and, The people against whom the Lord hath indignation for ever.”

Samson, a godly man, also disregarded and disobeyed his parents’ counsel, to his own detriment. Although called by God to a great and holy purpose, this having been identified even before he had been conceived (Judges 13:5), he clearly had a weakness for women, disregarding the call on his life to holiness, disregarding God’s command to the Israelites not to marry heathen or ungodly women outside of their own people (Deuteronomy 7:1-6) and aligning himself repeatedly with them.

When he saw an ungodly Philistine woman in Timnath therefore and told his parents that he wanted to marry her, them being godly, they were not in agreement and sought to change his mind. Although their advice was wise counsel in light of God’s laws, Samson did not pay heed. He was determined to marry this woman and went ahead to do so.

Judges 14:1-3 and 7 states:

“And Samson went down to Timnath, and saw a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines. And he came up, and told his father and his mother, and said, I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife. Then his father and his mother said unto him, Is there never a woman among the daughters of thy brethren, or among all my people, that thou goest to take a wife of the uncircumcised Philistines? And Samson said unto his father, Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well…And he went down, and talked with the woman; and she pleased Samson well.”

Him having taken the wrong path in disregarding God’s law and the godly counsel of his parents, Samson’s life was a downward spiral from there. When his wife was given to another man and later killed, he then engaged in fornication and with a Gazite prostitute (Judges 16:1). After that, failing to guard his heart as Proverbs 4:23 advises godly people to do, he again aligned himself with an ungodly woman from the valley of Sorek called Delilah, who he loved (Judges 16:4). He clearly trusted this woman and seemed to believe that she cared for him too, allowing himself to fall asleep on her lap and contrary to Micah 7:5, which warns, “Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom”, he confided the secret of the source of his strength to her, when she accused him repeatedly of not loving her.

Whereas Samson thought this woman was for him and loved him though, she did not. She made a bargain with his enemies who she knew wanted to kill him and sold him out to them, for money. Samson therefore, seemingly based on this woman’s flattery and most likely beauty, allowed himself to be captured by an evil woman, his choice to keep disobeying God and his parents’ godly counsel, resulting in him eventually losing his own life.

One of the benefits of obeying the godly counsel of godly parents is that it keeps the child from evil. More specifically, in terms of a love relationship, it helps steer the child away from evil prospects and to the right path, in terms of a life partner. In Proverbs 6:20-28, this is clear. Solomon, a godly man, urged his son to obey the instructions of his parents, pointing out that one of the benefits would be, that it would help him avoid being duped by evil women, who would do nothing but destroy his life.

Solomon stated:

“My son, keep thy father’s commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother: Bind them continually upon thine heart, and tie them about thy neck. When thou goest, it shall lead thee; when thou sleepest, it shall keep thee; and when thou awakest, it shall talk with thee. For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life: To keep thee from the evil woman, from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman. Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids. For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adultress will hunt for the precious life. Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned?”

When it comes to a life partner and life in general therefore, children should pay heed to their parents’ instruction and advice, where the parents giving it are genuinely godly people and the advice does not go against or contradict the Word or the clear will of God.

It is not quite fully understood but it is clear that God has graced godly parents with the ability in many cases, to direct a child’s path, especially as it pertains to the question of who to marry. Parents can discern at times, ill-motives on the part of the one their child is interested in and wants to marry and even when they can’t quite put their finger on it as to why, they usually have an unsettling feeling about a potential union between the interest and their child. When it comes to godly parents, I believe God puts that there, to the point where sometimes, the parents oppose the idea of marriage to the person, although they can’t really explain why. They sense that something is amiss, something is wrong and that for their child to take this path, would be a huge mistake that he or she would one day regret.

Godly parents have also been given the power, I believe, to bless a child and one of the surest ways for a child to set himself or herself up for a life of success is to obey the instructions of his or her parents IN THE LORD. Jacob fared well but Esau and Samson did not, a large part of this being due to the choice they made, to disobey their godly parents’ counsel.

Today, the scriptures are before us with lessons we can choose to learn from or not. Even if a child has parents that he or she believes are merely religious without genuine relationship with Christ or parents that are openly not saved and ungodly, I personally believe that because in God’s sovereignty, they have been given the prestigious role of being that child’s parents, their advice on any matter, should not be dismissed without at least careful and prayerful consideration, except where it blatantly goes against God’s Word the Bible or what he has instructed that child to do. Even in such a case, the child has a duty to remain respectful. Disregarding the advice of parents because it conflicts with God’s Word or goes against what you believe he has told you to do is no reason to be rude to one’s parents or to treat them with scant courtesy. You can respectfully disagree and respectfully inform them why you are unable to obey their instruction. You can do what God wants you to do and still honour your parents, in the approach you take in handling the situation.

Many children can attest to the fact that they messed up their lives after paying no heed to their parents’ instructions. Women, in particular, often pay the price after aligning themselves with men that their parents opposed.

If you are a Christian, my advice to you is to always inform your parents of any love interest or prospect you may have and if they are godly parents, seek their advice on the matter. Listen to what they have to say and if for some reason they oppose, be cautious as to how you should proceed. Go to the Lord with the matter and seek his counsel. If he does not give you peace about the issue (I believe that God gives peace of mind in any love relationship that he is building) and your parents do not experience a change of heart and the tense impasse continues, this may be a red flag. God may have allowed it to let you know that this person is not his choice for your life. Ask him therefore for wisdom in the matter and once he gives it, make sure you obey.

(Written on 9th and 10th April, 2025)

Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be interesting, informative, beneficial or edifying, you may also be interested in the following:

Under the ‘Bible-Believing Daughters’ page:

Note 249 – ‘Called To Honour People, Not To Worship Them’
Note 308 – ‘Respectful But Resolute’
Note 307 – ‘The Lord Leads’
Note 199 – ‘Dear Christian, Disobedience Does Not Pay’
Note 215 – ‘Relationship Advice Without The Word Of God?’
Note 262 – ‘Why We Should Let God Direct Our Path’
Note 273 – ‘He Wants To Be Enquired Of’
Note 286 – ‘The Consequences Of Our Wrongdoing’

Also, under the ‘SINGLE Daughters’ page:

Note 137 – ‘Who To Marry?’
Note 274 – ‘I Being In The Way, The Lord Led Me – A Match Made In Heaven’
Note 317 – ‘God’s Choice = The Best Choice’
Note 323 – ‘When God Gives You The Green Light’
Note 327 – ‘God – The Best Gift Giver’
Note 338 – ‘Measure That Man Against The Yardstick Of God’s Word’

Additionally, under the ‘BROKEN Daughters’ page:

Note 34 – ‘Wisdom Is The Principal Thing’

Also, under the ‘COURTING OR ENGAGED Daughters’ page:

Note 41 – ‘The Seriousness Of Marriage & The Sanctity Of Wedding Vows‘
Note 42 – ‘Making The Wrong Decision Can Be Costly– When You Don’t Wait On God To Introduce You To Your Spouse’