74. PRE-MARITAL COUNSELLING – IS IT NECESSARY?

(The Courting Or Engaged Series – Batch 3)

Should a couple that is in a relationship and contemplating or working towards marriage, attend counselling sessions?

By counselling sessions, I mean that the parties invite a third and neutral individual or individuals in, so as to help them raise and discuss important issues that could impact on their decision to marry and on any eventual marriage. This third party is usually someone trained in the area of marriage and relationships but for Christians, it is a fellow Christian that is spiritually mature, that has a good grasp of the Bible and its principles of wisdom and that will through God’s enablement, guide the couple according to God’s Word.

There is the question though, as to whether, for Christians, counselling before marriage is a requirement. In answer to this question, I would say that there is no specific reference that can be made to the scriptures, which obligates a man and a woman to seek marriage counselling before getting married.

However, as with other matters, while it may not be spelled out as mandatory, there are principles in God’s Word that highlight the merits of receiving good counsel in life in general and I believe that they can be applied to a love relationship.

Given that marriage is serious business and permanent in God’s eyes, it would be foolish in my view, for a couple to rush into it without having carefully thought things through and without seeking some level of counsel from other brothers and sisters in the faith. For, this is a life-altering decision! Making a wrong choice can have debilitating and devastating consequences, as other failed couples have learned.

On the merits of seeking good and godly counsel for decisions to be made in life in general, the Word of God states:

“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.” (Proverbs 11:14)
“Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end. There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the Lord, that shall stand.” (Proverbs 19: 20-21)
“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.” (Proverbs 12:15)
“Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.” (Proverbs 15:22)
“Every purpose is established by counsel: and with good advice make war.” (Proverbs 20:18)
“Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.” (Proverbs 13:10)
“Take fast hold of instruction; let her not go: keep her; for she is thy life.” (Proverbs 4:13)
“Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out.” (Proverbs 20:5)
“Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel.” (Proverbs 27:9)

Now does this mean that a marriage is doomed to fail if a couple did not seek pre-marital counselling? Not at all. There are many examples of couples who went on to have a blissful and successful marriage although they were never counselled prior to marriage and those that failed, although they attended counselling.

Counselling is therefore not a guarantee of success or failure but I believe it to be a prudent step to take. For one, it enables the parties to sit with someone who is not blinded by infatuation, feelings, physical attraction or emotions and can therefore guide the parties to ask and discuss the hard questions, which ought to be addressed before marriage. It may equip the parties with information they did not have prior, although they may have spent months getting to know each other and courting, enabling them to make a decision as to whether they really want to marry this person, whether God is really for it, whether they should not marry or whether they should put things on hold for a while. I am of the view, although I have personally never attended or had cause to attend pre-marital counselling, that it will help bring issues and matters to the fore which may have never come to the surface, forcing the couple that may be operating under rose-tinted glasses, to see certain realities.

It is also important to ensure that wise counsel is sought. Not every person that claims to have counselling ability, qualifications or knowledge is a wise counsellor. Secular counsellors for example, have no fear of God, which is the beginning of wisdom and no relationship with him. What they offer therefore, no matter how many degrees they may have is bound to fall short of what is required for Christians. Even if there are persons in the Church who claim to be Christians and some of them may be, not all of them are able to give good counsel. Prayer is therefore needed for the Lord’s help in selecting who to go to for help. You need good and sound biblical counselling, as bad counsel can lead you down the wrong road to your detriment.

In 2 Chronicles 10:3-19, king Rehoboam, Solomon’s son, ignored the wise counsel given to him from the old men and instead, did as his peers (the young men) advised him. The counsel they gave to him was bad and cost him to lose a significant portion of the kingdom.

In 2 Chronicles 22:3-5, it states that king Ahaziah of Judah, received counsel from his mother, the daughter of Omri and from the house of Ahab, all of which were ungodly. The advice they gave caused him to do evil, which led to his destruction. The Word of God states of Ahaziah:

“He also walked in the ways of the house of Ahab: for his mother was his counsellor to do wickedly. Wherefore he did evil in the sight of the Lord like the house of Ahab: for they were his counsellors after the death of his father to his destruction.”

Having underscored the importance of seeking wise and godly counsel, the choice is up to each couple, whether to bring in someone to have them counselled formally or to sit informally with a trusted and respected confidante or not. Either way, whether a couple subjects themselves to counselling or not, what is really important is to have the Lord’s backing. Unless he is building the house, the parties will be labouring in vain and the results are bound to be disastrous.

A couple may feel so sure that God is leading, that they don’t think it necessary to attend counselling. This is the couple’s decision to make at the end of the day but if something is of God, I don’t see why the parties cannot wait to get married, until they attend counselling. If the marriage is of him, then he will be sure to confirm it during and at the end of that session. Nevertheless, parties are free to decide as they please. My position on the issue is, if the parties really believe that God is leading, then why not attend counselling? What is there to lose? And if they say that they have limited time, my question would be, if you believe that this is God’s will for your life and that you have found the person God wants to spend the rest of your life with then why the rush? Why can’t you wait so as to incorporate some level of counselling, whether formal or informal, into your plans?

Then there is the issue of timing. If a party intends to attend pre-marital counselling, when should they do so? Some couples discuss spending their lives together before the actual proposal and proactively attend counselling and relationship sessions prior to same. Nothing is wrong with this and I am perfectly okay with it.

However, the reality is that most couples wait until after the proposal and after the woman has accepted the man’s proposal and they are therefore engaged, to attend pre-marital counselling.

While this is the norm, even if Christian circles, personally, I consider it to be counter-productive and even dangerous. For, when the parties become engaged, it means that they have made up their minds that they are getting married to each other, for sure. When they attend counselling therefore, they do not entertain the thought that the outcome of the counselling might render it prudent for them not to marry. No. They go into the counselling for mere tips and suggestions as to how to make their marriage wonderful and as to how they can be the best wife or husband to their intended spouse.

Also, if something serious comes up in the sessions and it is realized that the engagement has to be broken off and the parties have to end things, this is heartbreaking and much more painful and shameful, than if the decision had been made prior to them becoming engaged.

This limits the full breadth and scope of counselling. Counselling should ideally equip the parties with important information about each other, whether in terms of each other’s past, how each person handles certain issues, how each person feels about certain topics, their life philosophy, whether there is truly compatibility on the necessary dimensions and agreement on the fundamentals, especially about faith and doctrine, so that they can decide from that informed position, if they are truly right for each other and whether God is truly in their intended union.

While this may seem strange therefore, if the parties did not attend counselling prior to the engagement, I am of the view that they should not become engaged before they have availed themselves of some level of counselling.

For me, I intend, if God should ever grace with a proposal from a man, to indicate that while I wish to spend the rest of my life with him, that I need to reserve my answer until we have sought counselling. I intend to indicate, by God’s grace, that if after we have attended pre-marital counselling, he still wishes to marry me and me him, that I would give my answer.

In relating this to my mother some time back, she joked that the man would leave. This is because that the expectation is that once a guy proposes and a girl loves him and wants to be with him, that she immediately accepts.

However, I am different and intend to do things differently. I have never been one to just go along with what is socially accepted as the norm but I think for myself and reason for myself and then make decisions accordingly.

I firmly believe that if God has sent a guy to me for marriage, that there is nothing that I could do that would make him leave me. If after my response, a guy exits the picture because of a bruised ego or whatever else may be at work, this confirms to me that he is not my God-sent. I will not be able to shake my God-sent because God sent him!

I believe that the right man would see the wisdom in my answer and would love me more for it.

This is what I intend to do personally though and is by no means a requirement for couples contemplating marriage.

On a final note, it is important to remember that seeking counsel from an earthly man or woman ought not to ever be regarded as a substitute or replacement for your seeking counsel from God. If you are a Christian, then you are supposed to have a relationship with God by faith through Jesus Christ his Son and to therefore know what it is to speak to him and to hear him speak to you. You are supposed to know what it is to be in the habit of coming boldly to God’s throne of grace through prayer (Hebrews 4:16) and to have experienced time and time again, him guiding you on matters and answering your petitions.

As the all-knowing and all-wise God, he has also made his will known on practically every matter, in his Word the Bible, by providing good and sound principles for you to follow. If you are seeking counsel on a specific decision you need to make therefore, like if that person you are interested in is the one for you, God is faithful. He is able to guide you through his Word and as you pray seeking his will, as to what you should do.

You are to therefore seek counsel first and foremost from God. The counsel you seek from people should secondarily serve to confirm what God is telling you, if those people are truly Christians, god-fearing and spiritually mature in Christ. The counsel they give you should be consistent and in alignment with God’s Word. If it is not, then this is not good counsel and should be rejected, no matter who the person that is counselling is and how high he or she is regarded spiritually.

Seeking counsel from God is therefore your first and most important priority. If you are truly his, then as his sheep, when he speaks to you, you will hear his voice, although not audibly. Jesus said in John 10:27, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” He also said in verse 5, “And a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers.”

If you claim to be a Christian but yet have no relationship with Christ (which involves two-way communication) and therefore have not been in the habit of speaking to God and hearing him speak to you, then you are deluding yourself, as you do not yet know Jesus as your personal Lord and Saviour. If you are a Christian and therefore know what it is to abide in Christ but know that you have backslidden in your faith walk as you have not been living right but have been rebelling through self-will, then you cannot expect to hear his voice on the matter that you seek. For, your sin needs to be confessed and forsaken in genuine repentance, first.

For those who are saved by faith, seeking to live right and that have been submitting their lives to the will of God, his counsel is available and when they seek the Lord on a matter, he will be sure to guide them.

Counsel from the Lord is always the best counsel. It is infallible and him being the God of all-wisdom, he always leads us in the best and most joyous path. When we seek his counsel as his children and receive it and do whatever he tells us to do, there are beautiful rewards to be gained.

David declared in Psalm 16:7 and 11:

“I will bless the Lord, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons…Thou wilt shew me THE PATH OF LIFE: in thy presence is FULNESS OF JOY; at thy right hand there are PLEASURES FOR EVERMORE.”

(Written on 09^th September, 2024, added to thereafter)

Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be interesting, informative, beneficial or edifying, you may also be interested in the following:

Under the ‘SINGLE Daughters’ page:

Note 8 – ‘My Quick Ten Point Checklist – Is He The One?‘
Note 51 – ‘Characteristics Of A Counterfeit‘
Note 18 – ‘You Cannot Change Him’
Note 21 – ‘When He Doesn’t See Your Worth’
Note 53 – ‘God-sent vs Devil-sent – The Difference’
Note 58 – ‘To Tell If He’s The One Put On Your Spiritual Glasses’
Note 69 – ‘Taking On His Last Name – Is It Significant?’
Note 128 – ‘God-sent Or Just God-ly?’
Note 130 – ‘Ladies, How Long Are You Prepared To Wait?’
Note 144 – ‘Before You Say ‘I Do’
Note 145 – ‘Does He Love You Or Lust You?’
Note 147 – ‘How To Tell If He’s Your God-sent And Not Just God-ly’
Note 148 – ‘What Does The Bible Say About Being Unequally Yoked With An Unbeliever’
Note 149 – ‘Spiritual Benefits Of A God-approved Marriage Union’
Note 258 – ‘The Man Of The World vs The Man Of God’
Note 260 – ‘Common Sense Tips For Choosing The Right One’
Note 268 – ‘Making The Wrong Decision Can Be Costly’
Note 271 – ‘Not Just Any Man Will Do – My Top Ten (10) Pet Peeves In A Man’
Note 274 – ‘I Being In The Way, The Lord Led Me – A Match Made In Heaven’
Note 275 – ‘How God Wants Us To Treat With Our Idols’
Note 300 – ‘God’s Traffic System’
Note 322 – ‘Should I Allow Him To Pursue?’
Note 323 – ‘When God Gives You The Green Light’
Note 338 – ‘Measure That Man Against The Yardstick Of God’s Word’
Note 339 – ‘I Like Him! What Should I Do?’

Additionally, under ‘COURTING OR ENGAGED Daughters’ Page:

Note 16 – ‘Dear Christian, Does God Approve Of Your Relationship?’
Note 50 – ‘Taking On His Last Name – Is It Significant?’
Note 16 – ‘Dear Christian, Does God Approve Of Your Relationship?’
Note 41 – ‘The Seriousness Of Marriage And The Sanctity Of Wedding Vows’
Note 42 – ‘Making The Wrong Decision Can Be Costly – When You Don’t Wait On God To Introduce Your Spouse‘
Note 62 – ‘I Being In The Way, The Lord Led Me – A Match Made In Heaven’
Note 63 – ‘Who To Marry?’
Note 67 – ‘Are You Making The Right Choice?’
Note 68 – ‘Wilt Thou Go With This Man?’
Note 69 – ‘Is He The One? Ten (10) Practical Factors To Consider Before Marriage’
Note 70 – ‘Love Cannot Hide’