79. IS HE OR SHE A NARCISSIST? – NARCISSISM IN A NUTSHELL

I have written three (3) Articles before on the topic of narcissism and I think that this will be my last.

I think that I keep writing on this topic because having once been caught completely off-guard by it and still being in shock at the level of spiritual wickedness involved in it when I learned of its existence, it is something that I believe should not remain hidden from people, especially from God’s people but that should be unmasked, unearthed and completely exposed for the ugliness that it is. Having been a victim of it myself, I feel passionate about helping others who have been through it or are going through it but don’t quite understand what is happening or who may need information about it, to enable them to make wise choices in moving forward.

It is incredulous to think that some years ago, I had not a clue that there were people living and walking among us with this condition (which, without a doubt, is spiritual, not mental). I first learned about it after being around a particular individual for two (2) years and finding some things I was experiencing in relation to him, extremely puzzling, perplexing, odd and strange. Not understanding what was happening, I then happened to hear an international news story reported about an individual, which stopped me shockingly in my tracks. This was because the traits that were mentioned of the person in the news story, sounded exactly like those of the person I had been around! Curious, it led me to do research on the subject that was mentioned online and I was blown away. I could hardly believe it! I had not realized that the person I had been around was narcissistic because I had not known anything about this, although I had heard the term before. I believe that God allowed me to hear that news story, to open up my eyes as to what I had been dealing with which was taking a confusingly draining toll on me and trying to rob me of my peace.

Since then, given that I don’t trust secular sources to provide one hundred percent accurate information because they are unbelievers and therefore are limited when it comes to arriving at the whole truth, I have been looking to the Word of God for answers and realized that people with narcissism (or whatever you wish to call them) are mentioned in the scriptures. It is just that the term “narcissism” is not used to describe them. 2 Timothy 3:1-5 and 7-8 for example, describes the narcissist perfectly and warns us to turn away from such a person. It reads (and I have highlighted the main characteristics of a narcissist in bold):

  • This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boastersproud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God. Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away…Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith…

Apart from the fact that the term “narcissism” is not used in the Bible, when we read about their traits in scripture, we think of bad people and of them having some of these traits in isolation but understandably, we naively underestimate the level and depth of spiritual wickedness at work in some people who possess all or most of the traits mentioned, until we actually have the misfortune of being around someone who is a narcissist, for any length of time, where he or she has decided to target us. Sometimes, we may have even been around people who were exhibiting the evil psychological games that narcissists love to play and for years but not understanding what we were dealing with or why the person was how the person was, thinking that maybe our eyes and ears were playing tricks on us or something was wrong with us.

I am of the view that narcissism is something that in this day and age, people should know about, so that they will understand what they are dealing with if they happen to have to be around one for any significant amount of time. This will help them to cling to the truth (which the narcissist tries hard to get you to let go of) and to make wise decisions, like running in the next direction and far, far away, if it is someone that they are dating/courting but not yet married to.

I don’t believe that a Christian has to go out and study the subject. God is so faithful, that if one or more is in your life and targeting you, once you are submitted to God in obedience and seek his wisdom, I believe that he will reveal the truth of the situation to you (as he did with me) and protect you from this great evil.

Although some years ago, I had not a clue that this level of spiritual wickedness existed among us and in people, I have realized since then, that the condition is far more prevalent than we realize. No wonder, as we are in the last days, which is when the scripture states that people with these traits will surface.

If you’ve never encountered a narcissist or had to put up with one, be grateful and thankful. The term for you is merely theoretical. You may have heard it mentioned and have some idea of what it is said to be but trust me, you will never understand what I am talking about and the depth of satan’s wickedness operating through these people, unless you have had to personally put up with one of them. If you have and you have come to the slow and painful realization that the person you have been around is a narcissist, then you know that I am not exaggerating and that these words don’t begin to do justice in explaining what you have been going through.

IS HE OR SHE A NARCISSIST OR NOT? – QUICK CHECKLIST

Apart from those who have never had to deal with a narcissist (Praise God!) or have (you have my heartfelt sympathy), there are some of you who are currently going through something, that you can’t quite define. You are around a person, where you feel like they are playing games with your mind, without playing games with your mind, if you know what I mean. It is like a subtle attack, where it looks like they are doing nothing but yet, things are being done to make you feel miserable, unhappy and confused. People you were once close to, have turned on you without explanation and while you are in the doghouse, another person who has been abusive, insulting, nasty and competitive to you, among other things, has grown in popularity and won over their favour! You feel like your reality is being distorted and you find yourself questioning whether something really happened or it was just your imagination, whether you read too much into a situation and whether you’re losing your mind or going crazy. You are feeling as if you are being drained when around that particular someone and as if you are being poisoned but don’t quite know why. You are feeling sad, tired, anxious, fearful and as if you need to walk around egg shells around that person, so as to not offend him or her. No matter the situation, this person never accepts responsibility for wrong, projects his or her sins unto you, is never sorry for what he or she has done, even if it caused much pain to others and is never receptive to any criticism, even when it is the truth. This person sees life through a lens where everything revolves around him or her and is therefore about him or her. You are confused as to why this person seems to have two sides: One that appears kind, caring and loving to others and even to yourself on occasion but ruthless, wicked, abusive, oppressive, insulting, accusatory, spiteful, vindictive, drama-loving, lying, competitive and non-empathetic, when it comes to you and perhaps, some others with whom he or she may live, even not hiding the fact from you with whom he or she feels comfortable to remove the mask, that he or she wishes others (even their friends) ill-will and secretly rejoice in their troubles.

If any of the above rings true or maybe you have been experiencing other strange things, feelings and emotions when around this person and you want to know once and for all, if you are dealing with a narcissist, a term you have heard repeatedly but you don’t know much about, this Article might help!

Below I have prepared a quick Checklist/Diagram you can use, after sufficiently observing someone in your life, to assist you in determining if this person is a narcissist (full-blown) or has the tendencies, which sadly, could one day progress to the full-blown. While the Checklist/Diagram is not exhaustive, as there are other traits not mentioned here, I am of the view (although I don’t understand everything about narcissists – only God does) that if a person has most if not all of these traits, he or she is undoubtedly narcissistic (or whatever you want to call him or her).

Note that the traits in the diagram, which I have provided a brief explanation on below are interrelated, in that one enables the other. The narcissist uses them together to achieve his or her diabolical ends. Note as well, that some narcissists have high doses of some traits and low doses on others, while other narcissists have traits in different degrees. For example, all narcissists may love and expect praise, attention, admiration and adulation but for one narcissist, this may be the strongest one of the traits they possess. It may therefore be obvious to everyone. For another though, while this trait may exist, it is more understated and subtle, while his complete lack of consideration for others and high level of self-centeredness, stands out.

  • Proud and Puffed-up/High Sense of Self-Grandiosity – Narcissists think highly of themselves, think that they are God’s gift to the world and that there is no one like them or as special as them. This makes them treat people who they consider as beneath them, in a condescending manner and they believe in levels, classes of importance and cliques, associating only with those they consider as having some semblance of greatness like themselves (e.g. because they have lots of money, a high profile position or something else they value and want or need) while casting scorn on those who they consider as dogs and nothings.
  • Self-centred, Inconsiderate & Self-Serving – Narcissists see life as revolving around them and all about them. Some don’t see people at all, only themselves in every decision they make and what they do (inconsiderate), while others see people but think of them as existing only to please and to be used by them.
  • Love and Expect Praise, Attention, Admiration and Adulation – Narcissists consider themselves as worthy of praise, honour, glory and worship and get upset when people don’t behave as if they are or remain silent and therefore, rob them of what they believe they rightly deserve.
  • Entitled & Self-Important – Narcissists don’t hope that people admire and worship them. They expect it. They think it is their right and can’t understand when some rebel against this order. They can’t understand why all don’t understand that because it is them, this is their right and act accordingly.
  • Deceptive and Lying – Narcissists are always trying to shape the narrative to make themselves look good, others bad and to cover for their transgressions. Deception is the harbour under which they operate and the cloak that they wear. It is their friend, whereas truth, honesty and integrity are their mortal enemies. They will therefore never face up to the truth. Even if it confronts them and there is no way out, they will still try to hoodwink you with a lie, in the hope that they can find a way out of the fix they’ve been cornered in and if they can’t, they will blatantly lie to your face, saying they didn’t, when the evidence clearly shows they did or they will say that they didn’t mean to do what they did or they did it absent-mindedly or some other lying flimsy excuse.
  • Non-supportive, Non-caring, Discouraging, Demotivating, Abusive and Insulting – Narcissists demonstrate traits that range from being completely unaffected about your issue because they could care less, to investing time and effort so as to ensure that you feel down and discouraged or even worse, using their words and energy to insult and abuse you. Sometimes, one narcissist can choose any one or more of these traits to use, depending on who the person is and the situation. On the whole, such people don’t build up, encourage, support or edify anyone. They are not genuinely happy for anyone but themselves. Even if they tell you nice things that seem supportive and caring, it is motivated by their own self-interest. They want you to think of them in a positive way or want something from you. The narcissist cares nothing for building up and esteeming others. He or she only cares about self and thinks that only he or she is deserving of being on a pinnacle. The narcissist very much enjoys pulling others down, making them feel hurt, sad, discouraged, anxious and insecure. Don’t expect a kind or uplifting word from one of them therefore. If it is uttered, understand that the narcissist is only doing this as in investment. There is something that he or she wants from you or plans to get from you later, so he or she will deliberately tell you nice things to make you think they care and are a nice person, when deep down, it is in the narcissist’s nature to not care at all or to pull down, discourage, destroy, insult and abuse others.
  • Controlling and Manipulative – Narcissists are always trying to control you and how people see them and will go to great lengths to try to manipulate and mould people and situations to get the outcome they want. If they want something from you for example or to shape or influence how you think of them, they may flood you with gifts and do all sorts of kind acts for you, so you come away thinking, this is a wonderful person or I thought they were not nice but after all of this, I have changed my mind.
  • Calculating & Strategizing, Plotting & Conniving – Narcissists are always plotting and planning how to get what they want, how to make those who have dared come against them pay and how to emerge the winner, since for them, life is a competition.
  • Not Remorseful, Introspective or Repentant – Narcissists see no weakness within themselves or anything that they need to change or repent for. They are perfect as is and perfectly good. For example, I have recently been liaising with someone who is a narcissist (I have to be around this person pretty much for all of my life because of who it is), in relation to something that someone had conveyed to her about some traits that she had, which were not nice. Realizing that some of what the person had said was true (although it had been delivered harshly and in a malicious way), choosing my words wisely because I knew that she could not accept criticism, even when it was the truth, I carefully suggested that she not ignore what had been communicated but use it to engage in introspection and self-examination. I told her through phone conversation and again via WhatsApp, “I would not suggest that you ignore it but use it as an opportunity to engage in introspection, self-examination before the Lord. In so doing, whatever may have been intended for evil, will be turned by God for some good. As indicated before, there are some issues raised… that have a ring of truth so it would not be the best thing to just ignore them, given that self-improvement, humility, honest reflection and repentance are necessary in the lives of every human being, especially those who profess to know Christ…” Not surprisingly, this advice was rejected, I was considered to be an enemy for having given it and after the person sought to defend herself repeatedly through a phone conversation because in her dysfunctional mind, there was nothing to engage in self-examination for (although ironically, there was much wickedness for which the person needed to repent of), the person refused to go before the Lord and ask him to reveal anything for which she may need to repent of (as I had also suggested). Instead, she typed back somewhat sarcastically, “Closing the door on the need for introspection. Thanks.” I indicated to the person that I was not surprised and left it at that. I had already told her a few years prior that I believed that she was narcissistic, after having been verbally attacked and suddenly by her (as she had done for many years) and in her desire to take me down a notch and keep me suppressed. However, in moving forward and wanting to preserve the peace, I did not tell her that her response was that of a typical narcissist, which, ironically, was what the person mainly accused her of. It would have gotten me nowhere. For, narcissists see no flaw in themselves or at least, nothing major enough to repent of or change.
  • Doing Evil & Doing People Wickedly – Whether blatantly so or through subtle means, Narcissists are always doing wickedness to someone, whether as payback (because they are vindictive) and/or for fun (they love to create mayhem and drama as this entertains them and brings satisfaction) and/or because it is necessary to ensure that their reputation and false image are preserved in people’s opinions and/or to ensure they are elevated in people’s opinions of them, while you are demoted and because evil is what they are and wickedness is their hallmark.

(Written in October, 2024)

Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be interesting or informative and you want to know more about narcissism, you may read the following:

Under the ‘Single Daughters’ page:

  • Note 270 – ‘Did You Imagine The Abuse?’
  • Note 291 – ‘Can A Narcissist Be A Christian?’

Under the ‘Bible-Believing Daughters’ page:

  • Note 161 – ‘Overcoming Oppression – Spiritual Warfare’
  • Note 243 – ‘Overcoming That Accusatory Spirit’
  • Note 261 – ‘The Dark Spirit Behind Narcissism’

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