321. GOD’S EXPECTATIONS OF FAMILY AND BROTHERHOOD

(The Information & Edification Series – Batch 11)

There are a number of stories in the Bible of relationships gone wrong between and among family members, including siblings.

For example, due to a lack of love, Cain killed his brother ABEL, his heart full of jealousy against him. God had accepted Abel’s offering and rejected Cain’s and instead of humbling himself before God and engaging in introspection as to where he had gone wrong and repenting of it, he instead was angry, angry that God had rejected his offering and angry that God had accepted his brother’s. Due to the envy in his heart for his brother who was in right standing with God, when he was not, he then killed him while talking with him in the field. Abel would have been taken off-guard it seems, betrayed by his own brother with whom he was talking with peaceably. Cain therefore acted wickedly and contrary to Proverbs 3:29 and 30, which state, “Devise not evil against thy neighbour, seeing he dwelleth securely by thee. Strive not with a man without cause, if he have done thee no harm.”

Cain did not get away for the evil that he had done against his brother. God judged him and punished him, so much so, that he said to the Lord, “…My punishment is greater than I can bear.” (Genesis 4:13)

The Bible states of the account given of these two full brothers that:

“…Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the Lord. And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the Lord had respect unto Abel and to his offering: But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. And the Lord said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.

And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper? And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother’s blood crieth unto me from the ground. And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother’s blood from thy hand; When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.”

JOSEPH, another character in the Old Testament, had half-brothers that hated him due to jealousy. Genesis 27:4 states of them “And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him, and could not speak peaceably unto him.”

Due to the animosity in their hearts for him, they plotted to kill him, threw him in a pit and eventually sold him to strangers going to a far off land, seemingly convinced that he would not make it and would die.

Esau, the twin brother of JACOB, also wanted his brother dead at one point, although they reconciled later. Jacob had done him wrong, although the predicament that he found himself in was primarily due to his own fault. Mourning the loss of the blessing that Jacob had gotten from their father Isaac, which had been intended for him, as the firstborn, Esau hated his twin brother so much that he planned to kill him after his father died. To avoid this outcome, their mother Rebekah instructed Jacob to flee to her brother Laban’s house for a while.

Absalom, a son of king David and therefore a prince, also hated his half- brother AMNON, also a prince. This was due to the wickedness that Amnon had done to their sister Tamar, who was the full sister of Absalom. To get revenge for the pain and suffering he had caused Tamar, whose life and future as a wife and mother, Amnon had ruined by his selfish actions, Absalom therefore bided his time and plotted to have his brother killed, which he succeeded in doing.

JEPHTHAH’S half-brothers, who their father had all had with their mother his wife, seemingly looked down and Jephthah because he had been conceived of a harlot. Such scorn did they have for him because he was not their full brother and not the son of their mother, that they threw him out from among them, so as to ensure that he would not inherit anything in their father’s house, along with them.

In Judges 11:7, Jephthah used strong language in describing how they regarded him, saying that they hated him and expelled him out of his father’s house.

Eliab, David’s eldest brother, did not seem to have a close relationship with DAVID and quite clearly looked down at him as never going to amount to anything worthwhile. When David’s brothers were in the battle against the Philistines and their father sent David to them, misread his motives for coming and for what he heard him say to some of the men in the battle, Eliab accusing him wrongfully. I Samuel 17:28 states:

“And Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spake unto the men; and Eliab’s anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart; for thou art come down that thou mightest see the battle.”

As much as it is commendable, admirable, emulative and wonderful to see people who are linked to each other as family and especially siblings, loving each other, supporting each other and being kind and respectful to one another, it is equally sad, shameful and disappointing when the opposite is true.

It is such a distasteful thing when people who are related to each other, whether as siblings or otherwise, invest their time, energy and effort to hate on each other, to position themselves as an enemy of the other, to pull down and discourage one another and to try to one-up and hurt the other.

Sometimes, as we have seen in the Bible, the hatred and animosity is one-sided, in that one family member harbours no ill-will to other family members and did not wrong them but those family members still hate that one family member, notwithstanding. Joseph loved his brothers but that did nothing to quell the hatred they harboured in their hearts for him due to the favour that he had with their father. They hated him enough to want him dead and sadly, there are family members today that feel similarly about their close relatives.

While they may not strike them down with their hands as Cain did to Abel or commission their murder as Absalom did to Amnon, they exercise violence against them with their tongues and with the same hatefulness.

David experienced this from people, who, although they may not have been his biological family were persons that he considered as spiritual family and therefore, of the household of God. They were therefore close to him but harboured hatred for him, using their tongues to speak wicked things against him. In desperation and pain at the betrayal, David reached out to God in prayer over the issue, stating in Psalm 55:1-14:

“Give ear to my prayer, O God; and hide not thyself from my supplication. Attend unto me, and hear me: I mourn in my complaint, and make a noise; Because of the voice of the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked: for they cast iniquity upon me, and in wrath they hate me.My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me. And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest. Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.

Destroy, O Lord, and divide their tongues: for I have seen violence and strife in the city. Day and night they go about it upon the walls thereof: mischief also and sorrow are in the midst of it.Wickedness is in the midst thereof: deceit and guile depart not from her streets. For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him: But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.”

Sadly, there are people who are family members or who we consider family due to close friendship ties, who hate or intensely dislike us or look down condescendingly at us and therefore concoct all sorts of plans and strategies, some subtle, to make us feel bad, to hurt us, to hinder, undermine, malign and suppress us.

Sadly, even in God’s spiritual family, there are people who have professed Christianity who harbour intense hatred, dislike and animosity to other persons in the faith, which, if they are truly saved, are supposed to be their brothers and sisters in the Lord. Personally, I do not believe it possible for a genuine believer in the Lord Jesus Christ to hate another genuine believer in his or her heart. Where this is the case, I believe that the one who hates is not a genuine Christian to begin with.

That being said, there are genuine Christians who harbour intense feelings of dislike against other brothers and sisters in the Lord or who through their pride, look down at other brothers and sisters who Christ died for and redeemed with his blood and that are therefore precious in his sight, as nothing or not good enough or not on their level.

I personally have experienced this. There are people who claim to be believers who I know intensely dislike me and some regard me with disdain. They cannot bring themselves to look at me with peace in their hearts, far more to love me and that is a tragedy. Although they themselves are imperfect, they hold things against me for years and years, refusing to truly forgive, when in truth and in fact, they have done me much wrong as well and I have had to forgive them. God is the Judge.

The fact of the matter is that we will all have something about us, how we look, how we carry ourselves, things we have said or done, that people just will not like. Sometimes, even if we are doing nothing wrong, some people will just not like some way about us, although we are just being ourselves. It is okay to not be drawn to everyone in the same close way and truth be told, there are ways and attitudes that we may have or see in others that we truly hate.

While we may hate their way though (which we only should, if it is a way that goes against God’s Word and therefore, that God too hates), we ought not to allow that to make us intensely dislike the person, especially if that person is a professing believer.

Whether that person is truly saved or not, God knows and we may come to certain conclusions in our minds speculatively. However, we are not to look at that person with daggers in our eyes because of a deep-seated dislike in our hearts. We ought not to wickedly delight and rejoice when we hear some bad news about that person, to hold talk forums to badmouth and bash him or her and to think the very worst of that person and their motives in every situation. We ought not, as believers, to even go up to that person and say something insulting to him or her in the wicked hope that it will hurt that person or make that person feel ashamed.

Such actions demonstrate that we have given ourselves over to be used by the devil and he is making full use of it. What we do not like about the person, we should perhaps pray to God about it. Is it that the problem is really with the person or with ourselves? Is it that we are too prideful, cliquish, selfish, desirous of vainglory for ourselves and those close to us and somehow, we perceive that this person as undermining these ambitions? Is it that we have harboured resentment against this person due to some incident or incidents and we refuse to let them off the handle for it? Is it a deep-seated jealousy or envy for something that the person has or who the person is or how the person carries himself or herself, that is really the problem?

If it is really a way or an attitude about the person that is sinful that we hate, perhaps we should go to the Lord and pray for the person, that he would change that way in him or her. We can also approach the person with the issue, the intention not being to accuse or belittle or hurt the person but in love, wanting to see that person change whatever the sinful way may be.

Sadly, we are in an era where Christians (including myself) are reluctant to approach other professing believers to let them know what we have perceived or what we think they should change or letting them know where they have offended us by their actions. We reason that they know when they have wronged us and in most cases, they do. Yet, the Word of God tells us that if we have aught against another, we should go to them and tell them.

Matthew 18:15-17 for example, states:

“Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.”

For balance, the person who has done the wrong, has equal responsibility, if not more, in bringing about a reconciliation for the trouble he has caused. Matthew 5:23-24 states:

“Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.”

Needless to say, where there is disharmony in family relations, especially when it exists in the body of Christ, it is usually the devil that is behind it, instigating and brewing and stirring up trouble where he can. Whereas God loves peace and loves it when brothers (meaning brothers and sisters) dwell in harmony, the devil loves the opposite. He loves trouble and they that allow themselves to be used by him for mischief, he readily uses.

In Proverbs 6:12-19, God states:

“A naughty person, a wicked man, walketh with a froward mouth. He winketh with his eyes, he speaketh with his feet, he teacheth with his fingers;Frowardness is in his heart, he deviseth mischief continually; he soweth discord. Therefore shall his calamity come suddenly; suddenly shall he be broken without remedy. These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.”

Contrastingly, of his desire to see brethren dwelling in love and harmony, God’s Word states in Psalm 133:1-3:

“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard, even Aaron’s beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments; As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of Zion: for there the Lord commanded the blessing, even life for evermore.”

God’s command when it comes to our brothers and sisters, especially those in the faith, is to love them and fervently so. In Leviticus 19:17-18, God’s people in the Old Testament were instructed not to hate their brother or to seek vengeance or bear a grudge against their fellow brothers and sisters who were also God’s people and that they should love their neighbour as themselves. The command stated:

^“Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord.”

In the New Testament and for the Church, the same instruction has been reapplied to those under the New Covenant. Hebrews 13:1 for example, exhorts, “Let brotherly love continue.” 1 Peter 4:8 states, “And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.”

In John 13:34-35, Jesus told his disciples, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.”

Loving our brothers and sisters in Christ, therefore sends a message to others that we belong to Jesus. As a matter of fact, whether we love or don’t love is also an indication, based on the Word of God, as to whether we truly belong to the Lord or are deceivers.

In 1 John 3:10-12-21 it states:

“In this the children of God are manifest, and the children of the devil: whosoever doeth not righteousness is not of God, neither he that loveth not his brother. For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another. Not as Cain, who was of that wicked one, and slew his brother. And wherefore slew he him? Because his own works were evil, and his brother’s righteous…We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death. Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.

Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoso hath this world’s good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?

My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him. For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things. Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.”

1 John 4:16-21 clearly states:

“…God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. We love him, because he first loved us. If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.”

What should this love that true Christians possess for other Christians in the faith and for people in general look like? How can we know whether we have it and are truly therefore blood-washed and regenerated followers of Jesus Christ?

Well, in addition to the fact that we will have bowels of compassion for the object of our love as highlighted in 1 John 3:17 above and that this will move us to take selfless action in the best interest of our brother when he is in some kind of need, love and what it is, is explained in detail in 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 and 13. In fact, this scripture makes it clear that, no matter how well we may think of ourselves and of our so-called Christian faith and walk, no matter how much we may do and how highly others may have us in regard, if we don’t have love in our hearts for others or for a particular brother and sister, we are wasting our time, we are deluded in our faith walk and we are self-deceived because we have nothing really. Love is what ought to be at the core of our hearts and it is out of this love that everything else will flow. That this is the standard, should not be surprising. For, the God we claim to know and love is the God of love.

Romans 5:5 states of those who Christ has saved that, “…the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” In 1 John 3:1, before John goes on to talk about the definite manifestation of God’s love through us for our brothers (and sisters) when we are genuinely saved, he declares, “Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God.” Given the extent of what God did for us, in love, how he saved us and then outpoured his love on us, if we truly began in love and have been rebirthed by the God of love, in humble gratitude, we will in similar fashion, have love in our hearts for our brothers (and sisters) and will outpour that love on them. If instead we find that we are outpouring hate, malice, venom, envy, competition, strife and wicked attacks against our brother through our words or otherwise, then we must examine ourselves whether we are truly in the faith or not.

1 Corinthians 13:1-8 and 13, refers outlines the characteristics of love, which it refers to as “charity”. In conducting our self-examination therefore, we can assess whether we have these characteristics in relation to our family members, especially our brothers and sisters in the faith.

It states:

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away… And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.”

Romans 13:8-10 lets us know that we have a duty to love others, as Christians. When we truly love others (not in words or with acts for show but from the heart), we will find that we are able to overcome by God’s grace, many of the sins that tend to be done by people to others because of a lack of love.

The scripture instructs:

“Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.”

Romans 12:10-21, gives an indication as to how this love, if it is in our hearts for our brethren, will be demonstrated. It is a love, which, even if wronged by others who have positioned themselves against us as an enemy, will not seek any kind of vengeance but will continue to bless the one who has wronged us and to help and support him or her, always seeking that person’s welfare, despite what was done. It is a love that will have integrity in its dealings with its brethren and will not elevate itself over and above any such person but will humble itself and condescend, so as to relate to that person, even as Jesus Christ did in relation to mankind, so that they could benefit from his salvation, although undeserving of it. Ultimately, it is a love that will not be overcome with evil but will be so powerful, so fervent, that it will overcome evil with good. The scripture states:

“Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord; Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer; Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality. Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not. Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits. Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.”

In Zechariah 7:10, seventy (70) years after God’s people had been taken captive because of their sins and God had begun to stir up things to have the temple rebuilt, they sought to enquire as to whether they should continue fasting and weeping in the firth month as they had done all those years, before him. Yet, God highlighted the hypocrisy in their fasting and tears which had not been acceptable to him, given how they had been living. Instead of focusing on fasting and weeping in an attempt to please him, he told them what he wanted of them and what would bring him joy. Among others, he wanted them to be merciful and compassionate to their brothers and not to think evil in their hearts against their brothers.

This thinking of evil in their heart, suggests that they were outwardly giving the impression to their brothers (and sisters) that they loved them through acts and words and that they were at peace with them and genuinely had their best interest at heart. However, the God who searches the heart and tries the reins (Jeremiah 17:10), saw and knew otherwise. For, deep down in their hearts, they wished their brother evil, hated or intensely disliked him and rejoiced at his calamity.

God was therefore calling them out from pretence, hypocrisy and performance. He was not interested in these. He wanted them to genuinely love their brother from their heart, a heart that he could clearly see. While they could fool people, even the brother who may have thought he was loved, they could not fool God.

God stated in response to their question:

^“Speak unto all the people of the land, and to the priests, saying, When ye fasted and mourned in the fifth and seventh month, even those seventy years, did ye at all fast unto me, even to me? And when ye did eat, and when ye did drink, did not ye eat for yourselves, and drink for yourselves? Should ye not hear the words which the Lord hath cried by the former prophets, when Jerusalem was inhabited and in prosperity, and the cities thereof round about her, when men inhabited the south and the plain?”

The scripture continues:

“And the word of the Lord came unto Zechariah, saying, Thus speaketh the Lord of hosts, saying, Execute true judgment, and shew mercy and compassions every man to his brother: And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart.”

Similarly, in Zechariah 8:14-17, the prophet told them:

^“For thus saith the Lord of hosts; As I thought to punish you, when your fathers provoked me to wrath, saith the Lord of hosts, and I repented not: So again have I thought in these days to do well unto Jerusalem and to the house of Judah: fear ye not. These are the things that ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates: And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour; and love no false oath: for all these are things that I hate, saith the Lord.”

Of the importance of not using our tongues to attack, undermine or malign our brothers and sisters, James 4:11-12 states:

“Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge. There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?”

Of a truth, when we truly love our brothers and sisters, we will not speak evil of them or think wickedly against them in our hearts, wishing them ill-will or enjoying their down moments, difficulties, losses and pain. We will not try to suppress them, so that their light cannot shine, while trying to elevate ourselves. We will not harbour envy in our hearts against them because they are too successful, have too much money, dress too well, are too happy, are too good-looking, are engaging in too many ministry activities, have too much of God’s favour, are doing too well in life, have too much popularity, have too big a house, handle adversity and life’s difficulties too well, have too loving a husband, too good a job, too many children when we have none or any other such nonsense.

We will not seek to malign them in the minds of others, to paint ourselves as very good and them as very bad. We will not harbour resentment, deep-seated bad-mindedness, jealousy and unforgiveness for them. We will not pretend to be on good terms with them to their face, while hating or disliking them in our hearts, knowing that we fool no one but ourselves in the process. We will not treat them like dogs, like nobodies, like lesser than the rest of the body of Christ or other family members, for we will not have respecter of persons which God hates because we will know that that person is highly valued of God and loved and is therefore worthy of respect and dignity.

If the person wrongs us, while he or she is to come to repentance over what he or she has done, we will not refuse to forgive that person, year in and year out, giving the impression that we have but holding fast to the wrong in our hearts. Instead, we will let it go and if the person persists in wronging us, we will leave them in the hands of almighty God, who judgeth righteously. Even in such a case, as hard as it may be, we will not stop loving that brother or sister. We will love them and hope that God, who is all possible, will be merciful to them and do a work in their hearts, so that they will cease their wickedness.

There is the need for limitless forgiveness when wronged by our brothers and sisters, in light of how far greater a debt God has forgiven us and continues to be merciful to us each day, although we are undeserving. On the need for forgiveness, the Word of God states of Jesus’ conversation with Peter:

“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.

But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.

Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.”

The forgiveness that Jesus spoke of here is not one where we claim we have forgiven the person with our lips or even where we put on a performance as if all is well again. No. He speaks of forgiveness from our hearts, where, if God were to search it, he would find that we truly no longer hold a grudge against the person and that we have not put them on a lower level in terms of their standing with us because of what we perceived they have done against us.

If we don’t truly forgive our brothers and sisters (and this is no excuse for those who do us wrong to keep doing it as God will deal with them too and therefore, they do not get to escape), the Word of God says God will also adopt the same hard-hearted mentality that we have and will not forgive us when we do him wrong.

In fact, Mark 11:25-26 states:

“And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.”

On the whole, if we love our brethren, we will have in our hearts, bowels of compassion toward them, we will be merciful, forgiving, always willing to reconcile with them and make peace, in so far as lieth in is us. We will be kind, respectful of them and treat them with dignity. We will esteem them better than ourselves and look for opportunities to bless them, selflessly. We would “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.” (Romans 12:15). We will pray for them, wish them well and be concerned about their holistic success. We will have good thoughts in relation to them and not ill-will or malice. We will not harbour jealousy and envy and desire to suppress or shame them. We will not want to hurt them or to see them hurt, neither will we take delight inwardly when we hear some bad news about them. We will help them, encourage them, rebuke them in love when need be but we will ultimately be a support to them, especially when they are experiencing some form of adversity.

Proverbs 17:17 rightly states of what brotherhood entails, that “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

On the topic of support, in Obadiah 8-15, God expressed his displeasure with how Edom, the descendants of Esau, had treated the people of Israel, the descendants of Jacob their brother by lineage, when they were down and out and downtrodden. They had not shown love but hatred to their brother the Israelites, when they needed help. They had not supported them but stood on the other side. They had joined with the enemies of Israel and seemingly made it easier for them to be defeated. They had ill-spoken them, done them evil and rejoiced in their calamity.

God therefore pronounced judgment on them, stating through his prophet of what they had down to their brother and how he would requite it:

“Shall I not in that day, saith the Lord, even destroy the wise men out of Edom, and understanding out of the mount of Esau? And thy mighty men, O Teman, shall be dismayed, to the end that every one of the mount of Esau may be cut off by slaughter. For thy VIOLENCE against thy brother Jacob shame shall cover thee, and thou shalt be cut off for ever.

In the day that thou STOODEST ON THE OTHER SIDE, in the day that the strangers carried away captive his forces, and foreigners entered into his gates, and cast lots upon Jerusalem, even thou wast as one of them. But thou shouldest not have looked on the day of thy brother in the day that he became a stranger; neither shouldest thou have REJOICED over the children of Judah in the day of their destruction; neither shouldest thou have SPOKEN PROUDLY in the day of distress.

Thou shouldest not have entered into the gate of my people in the day of their calamity; yea, thou shouldest not have looked on their affliction in the day of their calamity, nor have laid hands on their substance in the day of their calamity; Neither shouldest thou have stood in the crossway, to cut off those of his that did escape; neither shouldest thou have delivered up those of his that did remain in the day of distress. For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen: as thou hast done, it shall be done unto thee: thy reward shall return upon thine own head.”

How Edom had behaved in relation to its brother Israel was an affront to the principle of brotherhood and God was not pleased. Brothers were to look out for each other, to help each other and to uphold each other when needed. They were to seek the interest and welfare of the other, not to stand against each other or on the other side, as a spectator, watching their brother or his interest suffer and doing nothing about it or adding to his afflictions. In Zechariah 1:14 -15, the Lord expressed displeasure with the heathen, who, when seeing his people suffer because of their disobedience against God, saw it as an opportunity, not to help them but to make them suffer more. He stated through his prophet:

“Thus saith the Lord of hosts; I am jealous for Jerusalem and for Zion with a great jealousy. And I am very sore displeased with the heathen that are at ease: for I was but a little displeased, and they helped forward the affliction.”

Whereas it is expected that strangers or our enemies may treat us in this way, God holds brothers where by biology or spiritually in the faith, to a higher standard.

In Deuteronomy 22:1-4, the principle of brotherhood and God’s expectation that we are to seek the welfare of those in our family, be it in the household of faith or biologically is clear. God commanded his children the Israelites:

“Thou shalt not see thy brother’s ox or his sheep go astray, and hide thyself from them: thou shalt in any case bring them again unto thy brother. And if thy brother be not nigh unto thee, or if thou know him not, then thou shalt bring it unto thine own house, and it shall be with thee until thy brother seek after it, and thou shalt restore it to him again. In like manner shalt thou do with his ass; and so shalt thou do with his raiment; and with all lost thing of thy brother’s, which he hath lost, and thou hast found, shalt thou do likewise: thou mayest not hide thyself. Thou shalt not see thy brother’s ass or his ox fall down by the way, and hide thyself from them: thou shalt surely help him to lift them up again.”

This principle of helping, uplifting and restoring is reiterated in Galatians 6:1-2, in relation to brothers and sisters in the Church, which is God’s divine family. If we truly love them, we will feel compelled by our bowels of compassion, to do this, not to pull them down further, laugh at them, mock them, rejoice in our hearts at the evil that has befallen them, condemn them, gossip and badmouth them.

The scripture states of how we are to lovingly and caringly treat other brothers and sisters who have fallen into some kind of sin:

“Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.”

Given how strongly God feels about the need for us, if we call ourselves Christians, to love our brothers and sisters and all that comes along with that, we can expect that if we don’t, that we too can expect to reap what we have sown, which is his righteous judgment against us.

(Written on 19^th June, 2025, added to thereafter)

ADDENDUM

It is indisputable that God calls us to fervently love our brothers and sisters in the faith and that he expects us to love our biological family members as well.

That being said, the reality is that there are some family members who hate or intensely dislike us, love putting us down and abusing us, whenever they can. They view the fact that they are related to us, not as an opportunity to forge a strong and loving bond but as their right to remain in close proximity to us for the rest of our lives, so as to torment us. Such family members are not concerned about doing us good, only evil continually. They therefore exert their energies and invest their time competing with you, even when you are not competing with them, They badmouth you and concoct subtle strategies to make themselves look good in the eyes of others, while making sure that you look bad.

These people, though they are family by blood are toxic to be around and for the preservation of your sanity, health and well-being, it may be best in my view, if they refuse to repent of their wickedness and have no remorse for what they have been doing, for you to create some distance.

By all means, if possible, you should maintain communication with them and continue to speak to them peaceably whenever you have cause to interact with them. You should also pray for them, in love, peradventure God will be merciful and deliver them from the devil’s clutches. However, if such persons are not interested in peace, as is true of narcissists, only in stirring up drama, conflict or having some semblance of peace but based on their terms, one being that you must accept the lie that they have not wronged you and have not sinned, then there is not much that you can do in that circumstance. Romans 12:18, states, given that some people are simply not interested in a harmonious relationship, “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.”

Do all you can for your family therefore but if you reach the point where they keep doing stuff to drain, damage and discourage you or to discredit you in the eyes of others, it is okay in my view, to create some space, respectfully, where possible. If from their actions, you discern that they have no intention of changing, be prepared to keep the door open or to reopen it in the event that they ever should truly humble themselves in the sight of God and be changed by him. However, if it is absolutely necessary for you to limit your involvement with such poisonous people, at least for a time, in the hope that they will change, then so be it. Being family is not licence for members to keep abusing you.

Some family members as well are not interested in forming close family bonds and in loving each other. If it is that you have been endeavouring in this regard, reaching out in love and it has been continuously rejected, them always imputing evil motives to your every action like Eliab did David, if they have let you know repeatedly that they do not care for a loving relationship with you and are comfortable with coldness, hypocrisy, deceit and pretence, then leave them alone. God wants family members to live in love and to have strong relationships but strong relationships can only be built when both parties are on board.

Pray to God about the situation, keep loving your family members and be ready to help them if they should ever need you to but accept that they may never be interested in the bond that God expects of families. Never be so bitter against them that you turn your back on them if at some point, they need your help.

It should be noted as well, that having toxic, dysfunctional and unloving family members, some of whom may genuinely hate you and have therefore positioned themselves as your enemy, hurling attacks at you whenever they can and rejoicing or being indifferent when you hurt, is no excuse for you to imagine mischief in your heart against them or to do evil to them, as vengeance or repayment. You should not allow a person’s sin to make you sin. You ought not to also allow your heart to become so hardened by bitterness at how much they have hurt you, maybe for many years and without even being sorry for what they have done, that you permanently close the door to reconciliation, even if God works on them and they humble themselves and repent. This is where forgiveness comes in.

You may not have a good relationship and a strong bond with a family member due to his or her actions but always be merciful, forgiving, gracious and kind, even if these are traits that he or she does not possess and has withheld from you. Even if you need to create some space due to the venom he or she constantly spews, always love your family, no matter how much he or she may hate or dislike you. Don’t allow him or her room to stress you out. Guard your heart but love that person enough to keep praying for him or her. This is pleasing in God’s sight.

(Addendum written on 19^th June, 2025, added to thereafter)