(The Faith Forum Series – Batch 3)
In 2013, when I got some shocking news suddenly and then some more shocking news on top of that soon after, I spent about four days in endless tears, completely devastated and in more pain than I ever thought I would ever feel, again, over any guy. It rocked me to the core.
I spent that evening, the night and the three or four days after that, in pain like I never knew was possible, confusion and a torrent of tears.
In the midst of my low point, my darling Lord reached out from heaven (although he didn’t have to) and sent three (3) songs (among others) to comfort me, in my severe pain and brokenness.
Although I usually listened to a particular Christian radio station practically day and night, had been doing so since 2009 and knew practically all the songs they usually played by heart, as I listened on those three or four days, desperate for some relief to the intensity of my pain, it seemed that God changed up the usual programme entirely just for those three or four days and played songs to comfort my broken spirit, like nobody else on the face of the planet could. The usual slate of songs were not played although the programme had remained the same for years and everything was different on those three to four days.
I was severely broken, in a mess and feeling really low and I beliee that God led those who were choosing the songs to play, to suddenly do something totally different for those three to four days when I desperately needed help and succouring strength.
I believe that three (3) songs in particular were planted firmly in my spirit by God and I knew that he was speaking to me directly. I will never forget their comforting effect.
I believe that he sent them for me to comfort me because they suddenly played on the radio station that I had been listening to around the clock either with my headphones while on the road or on a radio, when at home. Yet, although I knew practically all of the songs that that radio station would usually play, in that period, these three (3) songs played and to my recollection, I had never heard them before!
It was seemingly unprecedented. I could not recall the programme being switched up like that before.
Also, the songs came on at strategic moments, at EXACTLY WHEN I needed to hear the very words in them and I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt, that God was comforting me through the words of those songs.
The first song was ‘DON’T CRY’.
I had entered a maxi taxi on one of those nights and sat down waiting for it to fill up with passengers. So distraught was I, that I could not control myself and started weeping silently. I felt so stupid, so unlovely and so rejected. I figured that the place was dark enough so that no other passenger would see, unless they stared at my face intently. As soon as I began my crying though (and I mean AS SOON AS I BEGAN) the song suddenly came over the airwaves in that maxi taxi and believe it or not, it opened with the words,“Why do you cry?”
These words instantly caught my attention, since, unknown to everyone else (but not God), I had just started to do just that: cry. I therefore stopped and listened intently to the rest of the song and I knew that God was using it to speak to me. He saw my pain and he was telling me that it would all be okay, even if it didn’t feel that way in that moment. He was letting me know that no matter how disappointed I was and how much I hurt, that I did not need to cry. He knew my whole story and I would be okay. I would heal and I would move on and I would get past this. I would survive this ordeal!
During that painful season, when I got the sad news, I had felt so ashamed, humiliated, shocked, depressed, absolutely worthless, stupid and even a laughing stock. I could not help myself. I was a colossal mess…BUT GOD!!! He is so awesome! Today, looking back at that time in 2013, I have been completely healed of my broken heart and I am so thankful and grateful for the way things turned out. My heavenly Father always knows best and sometimes, wrapped in the saddest of situations is your greatest blessing.
The second song ‘THE TEST OF TIME’ started playing as I was walking on the streets and listening to the radio station with my headphone from my cellular phone.
I was almost home and as I bent the corner and started walking up the last road, my heart was in pain and I felt so tired and weak and confused as to all that had transpired. What was going on? How could I be so wrong? Why did God allow this and allow me to go through this situation? I had thought that he was the one. This was so embarrassing! These were some of the questions and the thoughts that flowed through my mind as I walked and then the song: THE TEST OF TIME came on.
I had not a clue who had sung it in that moment but because I felt that God was speaking every word of it into my spirit on that day, I did a search on YouTube afterward with some of the words I remembered and found it.
The song brought such comfort to me in that moment. I felt that God was saying, even if you don’t understand and you are in pain now, never forget that I am God, nothing happens by chance and I know what I am doing. This situation took you by surprise but not me and everything that takes place in this world and in your little life is still under my divine control.
The third song ‘LOVE WINS’ started playing when I was in my little Studio Apartment and feeling sorry for myself and my future, right after the ordeal.
At my age, where was I going to find love? Where would my husband come from? Would I ever get married? To whom? Would I ever be loved by a man in the way that I knew I deserved to be loved? I never knew that dashed hope could hurt so much!
These were the thoughts I had and the questions I pondered in tears, as my heart ached miserably throughout the night of the very evening I got the devastating news and into the early morning. How was I supposed to get up from my depression and get ready to go to Church that Sunday morning? How was I going to face those people…and him?
At some point in all of that, when all seemed hopeless, a beautiful song came on with the words: LOVE WINS as the chorus.
To this day, I don’t know the name of the song and haven’t been able to find it on YouTube, although I have searched relentlessly for it. I have never forgotten that line though which was repeated over and over again in the chorus and the tune of that one line is still fresh in my mind.
This third song was so beautiful and impacted me tremendously because once again, I felt that God was using the song to let me know that despite how much pain I felt in that moment and who had turned their back on me and made me feel so unworthy, my story wasn’t over. HE knew how it would all end and LOVE would eventually win.
I took it to mean that God was saying that one day, he would send me a man that would love me genuinely and without pretence. LOVE, not lust or infatuation or any other flimsy imitation, would win! Indeed, Jesus loves me selflessly like this and I believe that he was letting me know in that moment, that one day, he would send a man after his own heart, one who would emulate his character and love me like this as well.
I don’t know if I’ll ever hear the song again. I really hope I do! Maybe I’ll hear it in time for my one day Wedding. Now wouldn’t that be rightly timed and romantic?
Having heard the song and receiving some level of comfort with what I believed was a promise for my future, in God’s strength alone, I got up, got ready, made sure I looked beautifully immaculate and I went to Church on the morning right after I had gotten the news. I saw the guy and by the grace of God, I kept my composure (and my distance). I think I saw him glance in my direction a few times out of the corner of my eye, probably looking for a reaction but he got none. I participated by making my contributions as usual in the Bible Study that preceded the Sunday morning service and I sang lustily when the service started and the congregation sang hymns.
God and God alone got me through that day. I was hurting on the inside. People who knew that I knew were probably thinking, she is supposed to be hurting on the inside but I didn’t show it.
At one point, while giving my contribution during the Bible Study, I caught the guy, who was in another group at the time, glance over at me. I think even he was baffled. Why was I looking so calm, so radiant and as if nothing had happened, when his aunt had delivered such devastating news to me just the day before, while visiting a friend we had in common?
I made it through the service, stuck around a bit afterwards for the usual interactions (far away from the guy of course), ignored him when he tried to greet me with a slight wave of acknowledgment as he was seated in his vehicle and leaving and I happened to be outside the building at the time and unfortunately glanced in his direction and then, after he had left and I was ready to leave, I left that compound like a boss because the God I serve had comforted me.
Of course I still cried when I got home and did so for about two more days but I was more grieving the loss of what I had hoped would be. Deep down, despite the pain, I knew that whatever God did and allowed was the right thing and that if he shut this door, he knew best. I knew that I was better off without going through that door and knew that God would heal me of my pain in time but in that moment, it still hurt like hell.
I was hurting but because I knew that God ALWAYS knows best, even when I was confused and shocked and the news took me completely off guard and I was feeling and looking foolish, I still gave God thanks in the middle of my intense pain. Through what seemed like a sea of tears, I thanked him for what he had allowed and what he had decided. It was not his will for me to marry this man as I had hoped and thought and the situation was humiliating but God had allowed it and so I thanked him.
I was mindful of 1 Thessalonians 5:18 which reads, “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”
Deep down I knew that God was ALWAYS right, he ALWAYS knew what was best and if he said no to this, even when I did not understand fully why, it was for the best. I also knew that despite how horribly I felt at the moment, in time, I would praise and thank him even more for shutting that door.
Two things that took place in the aftermath, pretty much confirmed, although I already sensed it in my spirit, that it was a blessing that God had closed that particular door. I will not go into the details but the first was a subtle message I received on my cell phone from the guy maybe a few weeks after the news, after I had decided to attend another Church and had contacted the Elders and notified them of my decision. I did not respond to his text, although it upset me.
The second was a very strange phone call I received from a guy I did not know, a number of months later, who kept grinning on the phone throughout the conversation and claiming that I had been highly recommended by the guy for a business transaction he needed. He kept repeating the worth of the transaction which was a significant amount of money and that he wanted me to travel to where he was located, which was miles and miles away, so I could get the instructions to start working on the matter. I remembered giving the guy I had been interested in, some of my business cards to distribute, maybe close to two years prior, when he had asked and offered to do same but it couldn’t have been that he distributed the card back then when we were on better terms because the stranger on the phone (who kept repeating that I had been highly recommended and laughing as well), let me know that the guy was standing right next to him.
Maybe the intentions were noble and it is within the nature of the stranger to laugh and giggle after every line but to say the least, the call disturbed me, as I felt uneasy in my spirit. I immediately declined and asked that the friend visit my office instead and made an appointment for him to do so the following Monday. Under no circumstances, was I travelling miles and miles by myself, to go to some unknown place, to meet a man that I had never met and on an island that was not my native island and therefore, which I did not know very well. Needless to say, he never showed the next Monday and nobody cared to call to cancel the appointment.
That incident over the phone was pure madness. Till today, I find it to be so eerily strange. I will nonetheless give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he had genuinely been trying to help me and the stranger who called, may have been a coworker of his, that had mentioned to him that he was genuinely in need of assistance.
Today, my thoughts in relation to the dear gentleman are nothing but peace. I wish him well and all the best in life but I am thankful that I did not end up with him. Too many issues, even when I interacted with him back then on a professional basis (we both taught a Sunday School class together) left me devoid of peace, fearful for some reason and troubled in my spirit.
I am still waiting on God to send THE ONE. Sometimes it is difficult but I know that I serve a God that is all powerful and who knows best. He knows how my story is supposed to read because he is the one with the pen. He is the best matchmaker, my script writer and he knows how to write amazing love stories for his children.
(Written on 22nd March, 2015 and modified on 23rd March 2019 and 21st December, 2021)
Dear Reader, if you found the above Article to be informative or interesting, you may also be interested in reading the following under my ‘COURTING OR ENGAGED’ Daughters Page:
- Note 61 – ‘I Being In The Way, The Lord Led Me – A Match Made In Heaven’